Saturday, September 3, 2011

Dear Person... & Cyclists Terrify Me

Dear Person who walked their dog to the top of my driveway, allowing said dog to poop in between my car and the garage door,

Congratulations on an incredible level of passive-aggressiveness.

Very bold, and very baffling. My front door is literally steps away.

You are a fucktard. We clean up our dogs' crap without fail, and the one time Feyoncé™ ran out of bags (after 3 consecutive dog poops), he walked the dogs home quickly, grabbed a bag, and LITERALLY SPRINTED BACK to scoop the mess.

So go fuck yourself.

I clean up enough dog poop on my own.



Dear Hypothetical Old Man on a bicycle who I possibly didn't see this morning as I backed out of my driveway going 4 km/hr,

I swear to mother-effing-Jebus I checked both sides of the road, my mirrors, my rear view. I constantly remind myself that although the street I live on is not busy, there are always people/kids/cyclists/dogs out and about, so to be very aware.

Your hypothetical white hair and blue shirt somehow manifested into the stealthiest camouflage I have ever seen. My windows were even open and I never saw or heard anything, except my own completely startled hypothetical voice, apologizing wholeheartedly and calling you sir.

I looked and I have no idea how I didn't hypothetically see you. I am very sorry. Very, very sorry. I still feel awful and probably more afraid than you were of my meep-meep sedan. The fear is increased by the fact I still understand how I hypothetically didn't see you. I vow to be EVEN MORE terrified of driving now than I was before.

I swear I looked everywhere I needed to, yet failed.

Apologetically (hypothetically),


p.s. Did you come back with a small dog and poop in my driveway? You or the dog? Just curious...


Dear Cyclists,

I was going to write you a letter a few days ago and didn't. This morning's hypothetical cyclist incident got me thinking.

YOU TERRIFY ME when you are on the road. I know you are supposed to be, you are allowed to be, I know you have every right to be, and I honestly try my best to watch out for you, give wide leeway around you, and basically stay the fuck away from you as much as I can, because... well,



Also? If you are going to ride on the road, then you should be ADHERING TO TRAFFIC RULES, and be wearing a MOTHERLOVING HELMET for Chrissakes. (I saw a man with his skull cracked open, who surely died, from a bicycle accident. I don't blame the man and didn't see the actual accident, but I would like to think that his chances would have improved with a helmet). That being said, drivers can't be DERP DERP and not be aware.

Don't run stop signs or stop lights. It's MOTHERLOVING dangerous. And it makes you less predictable, increasing the danger factor.

Ride on, cyclists! Hey... where's your... helmet? (Image Source)

I am also afraid when I am walking and see a cyclist with headphones in. I understand the desire for and enjoyment of music, but if you are riding in traffic and are not following traffic rules, then at least leave one motherloving earhole free to hear the sounds around you! Please!!!

Mutual respect folks. Even though you TERRIFY me.

Curled up in the fetal position,



Dear Image Search,

Thank you for showing me that the number one search following the word "RIDICULOUS" is....

"pictures of Céline Dion".

My very own Canadian. How I beam with pride.

And on that note, a ridiculous photo of Céline Dion:

In all fairness, there are A LOT of ridiculous photos of Céline Dion on the interwebz. (Image Source)




Pin It Now!


  1. Hahaha...celine dion....almost as bad as whitney spewstain in my books....
    wow this post is all over the place in a very funny way...the dog deposit one is awful...i have actually picked up a dog shit...with tongs of course..and delivered it to the doorstep of the people who let their beast run free all over the neighbourhood and using it as a public convenience without bothering to clean up....
    It nearly ended up in court but a mediator told the owner to clean up or else...
    ewww abbott and costello on bikes...wrong wrong wrong hahahaha

  2. I am also terrified by cyclists. Very rarely are they on the right side of the road going with traffic. They speed along while you are stooped at a cross street looking left to see if you can merge into traffic. Then they have hissy fits when you see them at the last second.

    I am also scared to pass them when they ARE going in the right direction in case they hit a rock and tumble sideways onto the road and land right under my tire. This scenario always flashes before my eyes as I pass.

  3. There are people in this town who try to scare cyclists off the road. They are oblivious to the actual rules, and think bikes should be on the sidewalk.

    Nothing worse than riding down the street, following all the laws, and then suddenly HRRRRRRRNK as a 30 year old pickup almost hits you because the driver is on the phone.

    It's a mutual fear. And why I rarely ride.

    (oh, and to answer your question on my post today: close enough for my heartrate to spike for a few minutes... and strip in public...)


    "Street Justice". you might like this, just sayin'.

  5. People on bikes scare me too! Sorry someone dookied in your driveway!

  6. That looks like a normal photo of Celine Dion to me.


I get far too excited when new comments come in here...