Thursday, July 12, 2012

Oh. Hai.

12 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
So... yeah, I've been here.

Oh, shit, looks like Blogger ate my last two month's worth of every-other-day posting.

Geesh, how could that happen?

Didn't you guys notice? It's totally not that I have been actually NOT writing anything on the blog. No, that's just crazy talk. Crazy talk.

I mean, normally auto-draft comes in and saves everything, but... uh... Blogger totally ate the posts. Posts, I must say, that were the highest caliber of writing you could ever hope to see on these pages. Brilliance. Wit. You would have laughed. Cried. Stopped for a moment, holding yourself in the fetal position on the floor.

Also? I know this is shocking, but I am a super anxious person.
I know, I know. I bet you're floored.

Anyway, just been spending the last week researching cars and SUVs and flying dogs as cargo and generally not sleeping or eating... but most certainly losing my mind. You know, the usual.

After all the discussions, it came down to logistics:

Meet our new Great Dane-approved SUV. Also, please stop judging me, the other dog is just peeing. I thought I would refrain from adding dog poop to this post. But just this one.



So, yeah, I'm pretty sure my dogs are the most expensive dogs in the world. I hope they enjoy the tour of the Canadian countryside. They had damn well better, because I am guessing that me and the hubs won't be speaking to each other by day two.

We've got a wee drive ahead of us.

Thank goodness for satellite radio.

________
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Sunday, June 24, 2012

Top 13 Ways to Ruin Your Vacation

20 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
I'm not one to brag, but... I f_cking know HOW to ruin a vacation.

Like a champ.

Like a motherf_ cking champ, you guys.

Like, I can hear the throngs of readers gasping at my mad skills. Practically.

Here, in no particular order, are the top 13 (lucky, right?) ways to ruin your vacation:

  1. Spend the 15 preceding days putting in 17-hour days with little-to-no sleep, eating one meal a day, living with severe nausea.
  2. Be absolutely too fatigued to be excited/sleep properly/eat/enjoy yourself on the way or once you arrive at your vacation destination.
  3. Bring a laptop and Wifi (wireless internet) device.
  4. Discover that from ANYWHERE in the resort, you can and DO access internet for free (in your typical-at-home-unhealthy-addiction-to-the-internet fashion). Get sand in your Wifi device.
  5. Decide to wash your only pair of pants and hang them outside to dry. See #6. 
  6. Leave your hometown when it is experiencing a sunny heat wave. While gone, experience constant cloudy skies and thundershowers at your destination. Ensure you pay too much for the trip AND experience the full rain and humidity.
  7. Discover that the 5-star (hahahah! FIVE stars?!? In your dreams, Breezes Grand Negril!) resort is incapable of meeting your allergy/food dietary restriction needs. Discover they expected you to bring your own gluten-free pasta/food. Commence 6 days of hunger pangs between bouts of crippling nausea.
  8. Realize that a working telephone is necessary. Then realize your room phone is 97% static, and 3% sassy Jamaican attitude. Refer back to #4, and Skype the shit out of people.
  9. Be too sick to your stomach to drink alcohol. At an all inclusive resort. That you paid too much for. While it's raining and you can't lay on the beach. And you are pissed at your travelling companion because they crushed your ego and spirit in a disastrous game of Scrabble a few hours before.
  10. Be wholly and completely constipated. I mean 100%. Until the day of departure. Then go to the opposite extreme. EXTREME.
  11. Discover far too late that you actually despise rum.
  12. Have a long, relaxing, hot shower and unknowingly flood the entire hallway and part of the bedroom floor of your room. Try to call housekeeping, then refer to #8. Following this realization, spend 85 minutes trying to flush out the water into the outdoor hallway with your feet, your travelling companion's feet, one semi-dry towel and one small plastic cup. Fail at this.
  13. Oh, and have your house up for sale the whole time. While you are in another country. (Does wonders for the nerves/soul/general feeling of helplessness and detachment). Also replace "people" in #8 with "Realtor".
If you need any additional tips on how to ruin your vacation, ruining a vacation to Jamaica, how to waste a lot of money on vacation, or general stupidity when planning something that should be relaxing and fun - you know who to talk to.

And if you want an even MORE painful version, talk to my husband.

Yup.

___________
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Sunday, June 10, 2012

I haven't abandoned the blog

8 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
Life has just thrown me a speedball.

Not the illicit substance kind, but the "holy shit I have to deal with something really huge in a really short period of time, no exceptions" kind of speed. And ball. Or balls.

Not a curve ball, since I knew this was a possibility, but more of a speed issue.

I haven't seen my friends, I haven't done anything fun (except for my birthday last weekend, that was a blast), I haven't blogged, I've read a few emails and sent a few quick messages on Facebook.

I've missed baby showers, concerts, enjoying the summer days.
But I am hoping it will all pay off in the end.

I shall return, sooner rather than later, so don't be nixing me from your blog rolls just yet.

And don't forget to tip a stripper. You know you want to.

_______
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