Sparkling Clean Colon?

WARNING: The following post is not intended to be viewed by anyone with class, anyone who is easily offended, or by those who do not appreciate toilet humour. That is all.


Not only am I on my way to a sparkling clean colon, I may opt in to the buff and wax, and THAT, my friends, will surely be a treat after all this... purging (so to speak).

MY MISSION: (should I choose to accept it): ... And I quote, "pass a bowel movement clear enough to read a book through". (Gotta love the doctor's honesty).


MY METHODOLOGY: Take laxatives and drink 4 litres of the equivalent of Mr. Clean All-Purpose Bowel cleaner, but with a vanilla-over-chemical-over-salt flavouring. (See steph, see how I used litres with an "re" and flavouring with an 'ou'? I am soooo Canadian, eh?) 

MY ADVICE:

• Do not, under any circumstance, think you can work for any amount of time during this process. You + Your Toilet = BFFs forever.
• Wear elastic waisted pants. Pants with ties (which are the only kind that fit these days, unless a belt is involved, which only adds additional hurtles to overcome on my way to the facilities) can severely inhibit your ability to drop trou in sufficient time.

Your enemy on this quest.      (Image Credit)

• Do not disillusion yourself with the idea you can pass gas at ANY point after you start the liquid. The key word here is liquid. It's ALL liquid from here, baby.
• Do not think you can "live blog" and update. You will accomplish nothing but fits, starts, and sharts.
• 250 mL is a goddamn lot to drink every 10 minutes. Instructions read "you may feel nausea or a feeling of fullness."... 4 litres in my stomach? Yes... full and nauseous is an understatement, you pricks.
• Despite the fact you drink 250 mL SIXTEEN FREAKIN' TIMES, please realize this is not a delicious drink, and please, for the love of all things not disgusting, don't suckle/siphon in the liquid from your upper lip after chugging your chemical-liquid-poo-inducing mixture. It still tastes awful. It's not like chugging Coke. So... just... don't.
• Don't describe the colour transitions of your "adventures" to your BF. He will not be interested and may, in fact, be severely repulsed. He may leave the house. He may not return.
• Don't forget to use the stove timer to remember to drink the horrid shit-liquid every 10 minutes. Be sure to curse and comment every ten minutes how quickly that last ten minutes just passed. Even if it is only to yourself and your dog since your BF has vacated the premises.
• Suppress, with every living cell in your being, the urge to vomit, or you will be back to the pharmacy getting more Mr. Clean - Bowel Edition. And drinking more than 4 litres. (You DO NOT WANT. Trust me).
• Remember which line you are drinking to (it's not that hard, there are only 4). I think I doubled up twice, by accident, because I couldn't keep that simple rule straight.
• Turn up the furnace, put on a hat/toque/balaclava. Add another sweater and a hood. Put on slippers, as long as they do not impede your ability to sprint to the washroom. You will be shivering due to large amounts of cold liquid, huge amounts of loss of bodily contents, and dehydration onset. Stay warm, my friends.
• Do treat yourself you the most luxe toilet paper available on the market (I say this should apply any day). Your butt will thank you big time.

So sooooooothing.       (Image Credit)

•  Damnitalltothell... timer is going off again... 2 more cups to go....

What nightmares are made of.

My colon better damn well sparkle after all this. The doctor had best be blinded by the shiny reflection, or else I will be PISSED when I wake from the anesthetic.

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 Colon cleansing at its best.

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