Thursday, November 4, 2010

Hey Everyone! Halloween Sucked.

How's it going? Did you miss me? No? Okay.

So I kind of exposed myself in my last post. I hoped it would be a bit freeing. I think it was.
A Director from Ryerson's School of Journalism asked me if I would be interviewed regarding the IT GETS BETTER content. I was immensely flattered and really wish I could have contributed, but they wanted to interview me the next day in Toronto.

Anyway, whenever I get the chance to defend something like this, or speak up for the "little guy" I am all over it, so I would have loved to have done it if the timing worked out better.

So, I've felt immensely uncreative lately and have been putting more hours in at work, leaving me really tired and kind of comatose afterwards (well, along with the nausea and all THAT bizznazz).

I thought I would share about how I felt like an utter douchebag at a Halloween party I recently attended. Last year I went all out (the day AFTER Halloween, people, I'm no fool, I buy my shit on sale).

My devilish items included:
  • Sub-par polyester red she-devil dress that wasn't revealing
  • Black pantyhose with red and gold flames up the side
  • Red elbow-length lace-up vinyl gloves (WHAT?!? Every devil has them!)
  • A red polyester tail
  • A headband with red "devil horns" (or potentially red cat ears, if you were a red cat)
  • A full-on, real deal, red wig complete with affixed rubber devil horns
  • Crayon make-up to complete the crazy-ass devil look (I was clearly not going for sexy).
So this year I was determined to dress up and not mope around the house (BF was away and hates Halloween anyway). Last I had dressed up was about 5 years ago as an (unsexy) cop. Like with pants. (It was a guy's costume).

So I got dressed up. I even googled YouTube she-devil make-up videos.
(I owned few of the colours and even less of the application knowledge).
I attempted my make-up, and my friend told me I looked like a man trying to look like a woman.


I forged ahead. My company to the party's outfits consisted of:

  • Flattering tank top, tight-fitting spandex pants, and accessories to complete the costume
  • Flattering tank top, tight-fitting spandex pants, and two accessories to complete her costume
  • Dude wore jeans, a plaid shirt, and a hat (promptly removed) as a lumberjack? Hunter? There may have been a tree branch involved.

Okay, no biggie, they went for simplicity. I felt over the top and a little obvious/EXTREMELY RED/dude-like and self-conscious. But alas, not to worry, we were going to a FREAKIN' COSTUME PARTY! Surely I would blend in, in all my hideous red glory? I mean, IT IS HALLOWEEN! You get to basically hide behind a costume, pretend to be something else, that means my day HAD to get better, right?


Hostess greeted us. She was tiny and cute and wearing a short green satin dress with angel? bug? fairy? wings. There was a group photo, but I teeter in my heels, I appear to weigh approximately 150 lbs. more than my companions, and the red is blinding.

Click to make larger. Not that you need to see me any larger.... but, ya know, to read the text.

Well, how about the others? The host? He was dressed as a warrior-type dude like in that 300 movie. He did say something not complimentary about my outfit. In front of everyone. I then felt like a douche to the power of 3.

I was then critiqued and insulted at least three more times (before the wine caused memory-retention issues).

Other costumes included:
  • Sexy cop in short dress and fishnet stockings
  • Sexy duck in short dress with feathery edge and visor-like-head-beak accessory
  • Second sexy cop in short dress
  • Duck hunter dude (also in jeans, a plaid shirt and a hat. Also some pond-like plant-life accessory)
  • Sexy navy girl? in short dress
  • Male thief (in form fitting clothing)
  • Glen Quagmire from Family Guy (awesome when mask was affixed, indeed)
  • Bob Barker (in a more form fitting suit than my own)
  • Other things much more flattering, form-fitting, and attractive than a larger-than-life she devil (ME).
I removed the wig. I was told my shoes did not match my outfit (I don't own red shoes, and really didn't need more red anyway). I drank. Then drank a little more.

I met a lovely girl who was dressed as an electrical outlet. She was the only person there who was wearing something less form fitting than I. I think the host's sister arrived at some point in paper bags (paper bag princess?) but I was really unwell by then so I can't say for sure (and we all know this blog is, if nothing else, HONEST AT ALL TIMES... *snicker*).

In order to maintain anonymity, electrical outfit girl was super sweet and friendly and I hope to chat with her again.... when I am not flaming red and consuming wine on an empty stomach.

SO.... in order to remain cool, remain calm, not feel like a dork-face in a room full of strangers without BF, I did what any level-headed, mature 30 year old woman would do.
I've borrowed these wicked illustrations by Pierre A Lamielle (waiting for his reply if it's cool, if it isn't, I will remove it) from his awesome blog here:

I drank wine when already feeling ill. Felt more ill. HAD TO LAY DOWN IN SOMEONE's BEDROOM at the house, may have visited the porcelain king a time or two, then got in the car to go home.

Approximation (add more red in your head).

This is why I need THE MOTHER or BF to supervise me at all times. Even when shopping. We implement that daycare rope thing, just so I don't get lost/lose my shit/get abducted.
See? I'm safe this way!   Image Credit (except for my head, I did that)

So yeah, fantastic.

Also? I didn't learn learned from this mistake and bought a pirate wench/gypsy rose costume on Nov. 1 at 50% off. I plan on getting some fishnet stockings and thigh high boots and feeling moderately nasty and attractive next year (if I actually decide to go somewhere). With a push-up bra and a hope, I might pass as decent-looking.

I was   this.close  to getting the sexy, short, Wonder Woman costume, but it was size small and I assume this horrendous health stuff will be at least a little bit better by next year and I will have gained weight back to healthy for me (A.K.A. not gonna fit a small). Either that, or I'll be dead.  AIM HIGH!!!! Pin It Now!


  1. Your fellow party-goers? LAME. (seriously, what kind of lame ass party has not one but TWO duck-hunters??) Your costume, however, looks awesome. I can't believe people would openly mock it.

    If it's any consolation, I was in head to toe blood and spent much of the night peeling dried fake blood off my face.

  2. I guess it all depends on the costume style of a given party happens to be, but I personally am a little sick of the sexy costume du jour. Take whatever boring costume you want (cop, nurse, toll booth operator) and cut the skirt short, lower the top and it suddenly becomes sexy cop, sexy nurse, etc. Yawn. Those are easy costumes, but I prefer some originality... like say.. ohhh... i dont know, maybe a penguin.

    BTW I thought you looked good!


  3. Well, your pantyhose were adorable. All those other people were just jealous. And yes, I missed you.

    I sat at home this year with the lights off as I ate miniature cupcakes all night. Last year my step-mother started yelling at me in the middle of the street when little kids were trick-or-treating, she was drunk and I was wearing sequined devil horns. The year before that, I got so bombed on wine at a house party, made sexy time and got walked in on only a billion times, and then I vomited all over the carpet.

    ...I don't really have a good Halloween track record, hence the cupcakes this year.

  4. *blinks*

    Uh, who was the 300 rip-off douchebag who told you that your costume wasn't flattering? I honestly thought that it was well put together...

    Plus, I would kill to look half as good as you do in the outfit. I recently commented in a post that I wouldn't "rock" in a slutty Candy Corn Witch outfit (because I know my body).

    When horrid people like 300-douche show up, it just makes me want to tear my hair out! GAAAHHHH!!!

    (Okay. The rant's over. I needed to let it out.)

    -Barb the French Bean

  5. Hey Y'all! Thanks for all your comments, I will address them individually when I get back from my niece's hockey game...

    JUST WANT TO CLARIFY - The company I went with are good people. Not slutty.

    Also - that was the first time I met 300-warrior dude. While we didn't hit it off, I've been told by reliable sources that he is a *really great guy* and has recently been through a lot of shitty personal stuff. So he was probably just having a rough night. And I was probably overreacting/over-sensitive. And I'm quite certain he said later he never meant to offend me.

    That is all.


  6. hey, i think you're being too hard on yourself! i thought your costume was really cute, and you looked great!! halloween is the night you get to dress as crazy as you want! so if some people went simple, fine! but you shouldn't feel bad because you got decked out. you looked *super* cute!

  7. You looked awesome Steph !!
    Don't doubt that for a minute, just because of what
    those jackass party poopers said !
    If I could look as good as you did in that outfit, I would wear it myself....Halloween or

  8. You looked amazing! If it's any consolation, two years ago I wanted to go as a phoenix but didn't get everything done in time. So instead I wore a red dress and painted all visible skin red. Face, neck, chest, arms, legs. Red.
    The worst part? I work for my student association and had a committee meeting for a conference one of the days i dressed up at work. It was picture day. The photo was on hundreds of conference programs.

    I was also dressed like that for three days and the paint didn't come for daaays. I hope this makes you feel better ;-)

    Overall, your costume looked great, don't let anyone get you down.

  9. *Yandie, Goddess of Pickles - thanks for the "awesome" categorization (did I just make a word there?). Yeah, two hunters (aka guys in plaid shirts) is really lacking. Also - better dried fake blood than real blood. Right??

    *Simple Dude - I read your Halloween post after I posted mine. I see you feel the same. I think I was probably just jealous I was big ugly devil instead of sexy cop #3... But either way, Penguin Dude trumps 'em all!!

    *Amy - your Halloweens sound intriguing. We should arrange to hang together next year and see what kind of crazy shit happens! I hope the cupcakes were yummy. And thanks for missing me. ;-)

    *Barb the French Bean - I'm too sensitive, but still, I am sure it wouldn't have killed folks to bite their tongues a bit/not voice the jabs. But then again, once I was drunk, who knows what the hell I said, so maybe it's a draw.
    I wish I'd have made better use of my unhealthy-but-thin body this year! Although, not as much fun without BF there...

    *jess - awwww, thank you for the cute comment. I am hard on myself, but SOMEONE has to be. With all you supportive blogging commenters. ;-)
    I need to start acting as tough as I do when I have road rage. That would solve all my problems.

    *BettyBo - I wouldn't recommend angled-cut red polyester for everyday wear. Especially once you get it out of the package and realize there is a v-cut right at the crotch (who designed that thing, Paris Hilton???) but thanks. :-)

    *Ashley Rose - ouch. That is a bummer. Conference handouts = everlasting memory of extended redness for days. But I commend you on your dedication to full-on redness. RED SOLIDARITY - WOOT WOOT!


I get far too excited when new comments come in here...