Holy Divorce Batman!

So, I was reading People online (go ahead, judge). I had actually broken a hard-core addiction to celebrity gossip about a year ago, and figured I would pop on over to see what was new. (I bet you thought I was going to say porn, didn't you?)


And my gaaaawd... there is so much I have been missing out on!

Alicia Keys, Neil Patrick Harris and 8 bajillion other celebs had babies!
But, more interestingly.... holy effing hell is everyone and their dog breaking up? Divorcing? Separating? "Trial" Separating?

Obviously, if a couple isn't in love any more, then it's time to move on if you are both unhappy. Or there's abuse. Or cheating.

But honest.to.Jebus this stuff scares me. I mean, if a solid, secure, normal, down-to-earth, wholesome, squeaky clean couple like Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratwurst Bratface Bratman can't stay together, do the rest of us have a hope in hell?

She is practically DRIPPING with commitment, people!  Image Credit

BF and I have discussed our fears about that dreaded 50% statistic for marriage success. SO, I did the math, and that means at least ONE OF US is going to get divorced after we get married. Fuck.

I know people in their early twenties who (whom? whatever) I love dearly who are already divorced. It breaks my heart. Not because I think they should stay together if it ain't workin'... but... what a shitty deal.

You fall in love with someone, commit to spending the rest of your life together, and then things turn so sour, sometimes so violently/horribly/gut-wrenchingly sour that you despise the person.

In a million years, I couldn't imagine ever being more than a tad bitchy at BF for, say, not using a clean dish cloth to do the dishes! (WHAT?! Go ahead, judge, but food-counter-wiping-uppage leaves bacteria on that shit! I don't want bacteria-laden clean dishes~! Hmph!). I couldn't imagine a life without him. I wouldn't want a life without him.

And when I think about it, I can only assume that almost every.single.other.couple out there at least started out feeling the same way. HolyShitPanic.

Some of the bloggers I follow are divorcees once or twice over. While I ADORE the snippy edge it gives some of them and their dastardly humour, I couldn't imagine enduring one divorce, never mind two! To those of you out there that have had to do this, I tip my hat.

Well, not like, good job, so happy to hear you are divorced. But I mean, for, you know, surviving through it all. Especially if you have children, too, and have to see your asshat of an ex semi-regularly.

All of this feeds my fears about marriage and beh-bees. I am not a religious person (please don't unfollow me, lol), but I feel the need to be married first before having any beh-bees. I need to lock BF in at least THAT much, so it will be a real hassle for him to leave my future-saggy-pimple-covered-stopped-going-to-the-gym-'cause-I'm-married-and-don't-have-to-even-try-anymore ass. Oh, and my beh-bee(s).

Approximation of post-marriage pimply ass.

Wow, I'm getting ahead of myself.

But I fear that, too.

More than a couple of people have told me that people just 'stop trying' after marriage. Jaysus... I don't want that. I need the motivation in the pre-engaged state we are in to keep showering (sometimes) on the weekends. If we're married... hell, maybe I'll go weeks unbathed.

Have to chisel off the lumps, as my dad says. (Which reminds me, I need to dedicate an entire post to all the odd sayings I have learned from my father that I thought were mainstream phrases until I frequently saw the look of confusion on BF and co-workers' faces. I digress).

Celeb couples who have recently bit the dust (or at least recently enough that I remember, or was saddened at some point):

• Sandra Bullock and Jesse James (though he always seemed a little douchey)
• Britney Spears and K-Fed (Whahhh? Not happily ever after forever?)
• Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt? (I am STILL mad at Brad for that one)
• Courtney Cox-Arquette and David Arquette
• HELLOOO? Jim Carey and Jenny McCarthy (that made me so sad)
• Ryan Phillllllipppppe and Reese Witherspoon
• Christina & Jordan
• Patti Stanger and Andy Friedman (She's the Millionaire Matchmaker, people, the light of hope is dwindling...) Okay, they weren't married, but still.
• Heidi Montag and that Spencer Pratt douche.
• A bunch more I've forgotten and am too lazy to google.
• Did Catherine Zeta Jones and the old Douglas break up?

This is sort of the opposite of my point, but the results are still horrifying, nonetheless.

Alrighty... well, I never expected this post to go quite the way it did, but, meh, too lazy to overthink it tonight.



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