Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Cheapest Homeowner Ever

So I had an amusing conversation with my husband the other night.

No, he isn't the cheapest homeowner.

As I've been pulling my hair out, rocking in the fetal position, and packing the odd box or so, it seems like I am being forced to make decision after decision about whether or not everything I've ever owned is worth packing.

As a frame of reference, the reputable moving companies are quoting us around $1.52/lb to move our shit. Yes, PER REMOTHERBLOODYFRIKKENDICULOUS POUND.

That 30lb ceramic slow cooker from 1972 that doesn't even have one of those one-prong-bigger-than-the-other-electrical-cord-safety-plugs? GONZO.

That sweet stereo from 1995 that took me forever to save up for? You know the one... with the real, ADJUSTABLE equalizer on the front? With the double cassette deck? The one I was listening to when I heard Kurt Cobain killed himself? That doesn't even have a CD player, just an auxillary plug where you've housed your sister's ancient 6-carousel CD player? YOU KNOW, for those DISC things that us old people use to play music?

(Jeez, kids these days, what with their minuscule iPods and lack of interest in hulking stereos and obscenely huge CD storage cases that outweigh the car's spare tire) . GONZO.                                                                                                     (._.)   (<- That's me looking all sad at it, while I grieve the loss)

QUALITY = Goldstar. Although, in all fairness, it HAS lasted me almost 20 years... Christ I'm old. (Image = my own, yo).

That six thousand pound ORANGE wall unit from IKEA that cost a whopping $780 about 8 years ago? You know the one that took up the entire dining room wall? The one that took a day to assemble with your handyman father? That had a GAJILLION pieces, screws, shelves and was dearly beloved by your husband?  / sarcasm font. Yeah. GONE. For a huge loss.

I only bought it for the 649 free Allen keys. And so I could get the 99 cent ice cream cone. (Image = my own, yo).

Lather, rinse, repeat.

House in shambles? CHECK.
Giving shit away for free online? CHECK.
Donations through the wazoo (again - is it good enough to donate? should it just be thrown out?) CHECK. Then second guess. Then change your mind. Repeat.

So I dismantled the lamps in the house as best as possible. We'll see if they make it to the end destination in usable condition. It's a crap shoot, really, when you throw something with a lamp shade into a wardrobe box.

Yeah, I live on the edge, motherf_cker.

After said dismantling, I have a pile of energy efficient CFL bulbs, full of trace amounts of harmful chemicals. Not supposed to throw them out, you know. Don't want to pack them poorly, have them break, and end up with shattered glass and MERCURY on, or in, our shit.

So I am on the phone and I ask the hubs what I should do with the light bulbs. He pauses. Then he says:

"Aren't we supposed to leave them there?"

Careful, there, photographer person. You rattle that change too much and you're lookin' at mercury poisoning.
Okay, not really.  (Image VIA)

I ponder this. I'm pretty sure that lamp contents were not signed over in the deal. So I sass him about it.

He still seems unsure of what to say to me.

It is at this point that we realize that I am talking about loose lamp bulbs, and he thinks I am contemplating removing every single light bulb from every single overhead light fixture in the house.

In the midst of my stress, I had to laugh. Could you imagine moving in to a house and some bastard taking all the light bulbs? Moving in the dark?

In some ways I am surprised the people we bought this house from didn't do the same. They took all the toilet paper and even window coverings that were supposed to stay with the house.

Ah well.



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  1. when we bought our house in florida, the bastards we purchased it from took all the ceiling fans. and all of the damn knobs and pulls from the cabinets. oh, and the STOVE.

    1. @steph gas - What the hell?? That must be illegal, unless expressly stated in the deal. What bastards... no ceiling fans in Florida would suck donkey balls. And the pulls from the cabinets?? That's BRUTAL!

      And the stove is downright theft if it was to be left.

      And the thing is, who wants to sue or deal in small claims court. Not worth it, and the buggers know it.


      Thanks for stopping in here other steph!!

  2. Goldstar. Believe it or not, that's the G in LG. The L stands for "Lucky". No luck for you, just a gold star.

    1. @Anonymous - Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. I love LG. I just googled that shit!

      My ancient cell phone is LG, our DVD player is LG, and I've always wanted one of those LG Smart Fridges that let you surf the internet and read a list of all the food that's spoiling inside. (Because who doesn't want to surf the net in their kitchen??)

      I had no idea! So this stereo is practically an antique, pre-LG days!

      Who are you, you wondrous, knowledgeable anonymous commenter????

  3. There's a reason that people have children. They're the ones that can finally man up enough to throw out all the crap their parents have been hoarding for decades, because they remember how expensive it was, or how much of their blood was spilled putting it together, or they have an emotional attachment to it for some reason. Did you see the IKEA lamp commercial? I suspect you were bawling at the end of it, that poor lamp abandoned in the rain.

    I, too, have difficulties tossing out stuff that still functions for the purposes that I bought it for. A for instance. We have a plasma TV that is coming up on 10 years old. it's probably actually a year older than that, since we got it on a killer sale. The resolution sucks in comparison to today's screens. It doesn't talk to the internet, and doesn't have the inputs to allow it to talk to a box that talks to the internet. I think the only inputs are RCA and S video. Yet it still works for playing DVD's. Except we can't rent them from anywhere now, except the library. And the new TV's are so cheap that the only reason they don't come in cereal boxes is that they're too big. Yet I can't throw it away. Woe is me. Good thing I'm not moving.

    Anyways, you hinted you were moving through Calgary. Or maybe I just imagined it. You can get my email from my blog. Give me a ring, and we'll do coffee. Or something stronger if you need it.

  4. Just keep reminding yourself that it will be over soon. And drinking will help with the deciding what to keep and what to toss.

  5. True story, hopefully worth the extra long comment:

    There are, in the back of my husband's closet, as we speak, garbage bags full of clothing from four moves ago. We moved into this house 9 years and 6 moths ago. He moved into his previous condo at the beginning of 2001. Before that was a crash house for bachelor law students. The clothing was put in the bag when he and wife number one divorced. At the beginning of 2000. Twelve years those clothes have been in garbage bags. Can you imagine the fashion awfulness in there? I can't.

    Not only do I hate moving and feel your pain right now, I think I just decided that when the time comes I will burn this house to the ground.

    I love your blog. You make me laugh and laugh!

  6. Werd!! I've missed the post where you say where you're moving to! Charging per pound, that's insanity! Hang in there!!

  7. I just want to throw everything away and live in a tent.

    And some bastard DID take the lightbulbs on a place I rented. I complained to the property manager, and she looked at me like I had lobsters growing out of my ears. "They aren't supposed to do that."

    Me: "Well, they did. Also, the lawn is dead."

    Her: "They were supposed to water."

    Me: "So, I want it noted on the rental agreement that the house is not in the condition expected."

    Her: "Well, that's going a little far, don't you think?"

    In the end, I convinced her to reduce the rent for one month by $50 to cover the cost of light bulbs and grass seed. After I moved out, no one watered for 2 months, and I was hit with a "dead lawn" fee taken out of my deposit.

    Basically, I hate everyone. Seriously. I am going to live in a tent.

    1. I had a friend whose psycho ex took all the lightbulbs when he moved out. Left her sitting there in the dark.

      Fortunately, my building had just replaced all the bulbs in my apartment with the fancy ones, and left me a kitchen table covered in light bulbs that I had no idea what to do with. So, me to the rescue. I said let there be light, yo.

  8. Moving DOES suck. Granted, I'm only moving fifteen minutes away, and not across the country, but I fucking hate it. I am LOATHE to throw things out, either because sentimental (I have stacks of my kids school work.. I want to toss it - all but the writing and artwork, my kids can add and subtract and that's awesome but I don't need every last shred of evidence to that effect) or because I hate the hell out of thinking about stuff in landfills.

    The electronics donation boxes and scrap metal donation boxes are awesome. The Sally Ann, not so much (partly because questionable policies toward LGBTQ folk and partly because they side-eye you if you bring too much at one time).

    Having a valid fire permit is good for getting rid of years of paperwork. Hell of a lot more fun than a paper shredder.

  9. You know how attached I used to be to my things. However, my newly-found bravado has taught me that it only hurts while you rip off the band-aid. When you are in your new home, chances are you won't even think of the stuff you left behind.

    In other news, I wanted to let you know that I have moved my blog to a new domain. I can now be found at and hope to see you there :)

    Good luck with the rest of the packing&moving, and have a great day!

  10. Ugh...I hate moving. Primarily because I have a gazillion books. They probably way a ton. Well...close.

    Good luck with your move!


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