I feel like all the mothers out there secretly snicker to themselves when they see one of us "newbies" coming along. Some mothers aren't even secretive about it, but I can identify the smirk that falls upon their mouths when I share that I am pregnant for the first time.
I KNEW it would be uncomfortable.
I KNEW it would be hard.
But I THOUGHT it would be glowy, and maybe a teensy bit softly romantic, and fascinating.
It is not. At least, not for me.
Being pregnant is BULLSHIT, save the reward at the end. No, not the vein-popping, vagina-ripping delivery "reward at the end" part. The part when that is over and you finally get to meet the squirmy blob that has been taking residence in your midsection for 9 months, stealing all your vitamins and nutrients.
I've wanted to write this post for a while, but kept hesitating because of friends who have had sad things happen.
Then I realized that I need to voice this toxic shit before it eats me ALIVE.
Things no one told me about pregnancy (aka likely knowingly withheld from me so as to not give me reason to never reproduce):
1. For whatever reason, you will become a drizzly, drippy pee-er, and will constantly have to go. **Bonus points for creative ways to wipe without throwing out your back.
2. Even the most seasoned-hemmorhoided-vet cannot prepare for the carnage a growing fetus will have on your rectal region. A baboon has got NOTHIN' on a third trimester pregnant woman.
3. While possibly not commonplace for most women, it is possible (as with me) to have CONSTANT abdominal pain and ache. 24 hours a day. With no relief.
4. Throw in the fun and good times of an umbilical hernia just behind the ole belly button, and you've got yourself a freakish baby bump, extreme pain, inability to exercise or meet others at pre-natal fitness events, full-on uselessness, and the inability to do anything that engages the core/abdominal muscles. I'm sure you can all see how this is going to end well after the baby is born. Better yet, just imagine all that pushing with completely flaccid, unused-for-9-month ab muscles. Expect a horrifyingly graphic post on this come June.
5. Sleep. Hahahahaha. Propping up with pillows? Nice try. Recovery position? Nope. Side sleeping? Well, I can be on my side, but I'm still missing the sleeping part.
6. Some/many/most? obstetricians don't give a flying fuck. You get a 7 minute appointment time, and you'd best talk fast. The best gem so far from my OB when asking about safety of medications and supplements: "Well, pretty much anything is safe to take". Really? SERIOUSLY? Are you fucking for real? Because I am pretty damn sure that is not accurate. But I'm going to go drink some Drano and take a boatload of Advil and get back to you. (Note: I'm kidding. Don't touch Advil if you're pregnant, or Drano if you value being alive. Both of 'em can be dangerous).
7. Whining. So much whining. Hungry, thirsty, not thirsty, no room to eat, need comforting, can't get comfortable, back aches, feet are swollen, tailbone feels bruised, baby is painfully kicking my vagina/bladder/uvula....
8. That "pregnancy glow" everyone is referring to is just a fancy term for too-goddamn-hot. I sweat like a waterfall. I need to tear my shirt off at random times because I am totally overheating. The more hot I am, the less I drink, and the cycle worsens and repeats!
9. The fatigue. Oh the fatigue. And the iron loss. I think a normal level for iron is supposed to be above 50, even better if it's closer to 100. I am sitting at 12. I can't take iron pills and I can't keep the liquid iron down. At all. And I've shared this with my doc many times. Low iron can result in low birth weight for baby, possible increased blood loss/need for a transfusion during delivery, possible increase in the likelihood of post-partum depression, and an increased risk of still birth. But hey, my OB doesn't care. Her solution? Take iron pills. Thanks.
10. The weight gain. I was perhaps slightly underweight before the Hubs knocked me up. I have since had temporary, drastic changes in my nausea and ability to eat. I capitalize on those moments, and have managed to pack on about 40 lbs. in 6 months. FORTY POUNDS, YO. And I still have 3 months to go!!! I am going to be a tank come delivery time, and who knows how long it'll take to lose... especially if I have hernia surgery in there, too!
There's more, including reading stuff that indicates passing things larger than a mango AFTER the baby is born could mean trouble (W. T. F.?????!???!)... I just don't even know how to cope with these last months. And it only goes downhill from here...
Time to syphon that pint of cotton candy ice cream into one side of my mouth while I comfort myself with pineapple I will regurgitate shortly on the other side of my mouth.
Honey? Have you seen the antacids anywhere???
____________________
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I KNEW it would be uncomfortable.
I KNEW it would be hard.
But I THOUGHT it would be glowy, and maybe a teensy bit softly romantic, and fascinating.
It is not. At least, not for me.
Being pregnant is BULLSHIT, save the reward at the end. No, not the vein-popping, vagina-ripping delivery "reward at the end" part. The part when that is over and you finally get to meet the squirmy blob that has been taking residence in your midsection for 9 months, stealing all your vitamins and nutrients.
I've wanted to write this post for a while, but kept hesitating because of friends who have had sad things happen.
Then I realized that I need to voice this toxic shit before it eats me ALIVE.
Things no one told me about pregnancy (aka likely knowingly withheld from me so as to not give me reason to never reproduce):
1. For whatever reason, you will become a drizzly, drippy pee-er, and will constantly have to go. **Bonus points for creative ways to wipe without throwing out your back.
 |
| Ready? AIM! Splaaaaaatter! |
2. Even the most seasoned-hemmorhoided-vet cannot prepare for the carnage a growing fetus will have on your rectal region. A baboon has got NOTHIN' on a third trimester pregnant woman.
 |
| Even the obstetrician baboon on the right is shocked at the size of her arse balloons. |
3. While possibly not commonplace for most women, it is possible (as with me) to have CONSTANT abdominal pain and ache. 24 hours a day. With no relief.
4. Throw in the fun and good times of an umbilical hernia just behind the ole belly button, and you've got yourself a freakish baby bump, extreme pain, inability to exercise or meet others at pre-natal fitness events, full-on uselessness, and the inability to do anything that engages the core/abdominal muscles. I'm sure you can all see how this is going to end well after the baby is born. Better yet, just imagine all that pushing with completely flaccid, unused-for-9-month ab muscles. Expect a horrifyingly graphic post on this come June.
 |
| You may be asking yourself, "Self, what the f_ck does this graphic have to do with an umbilical hernia and pregnancy?"... At least, that's what I said when the free image site gave me this when I searched "hernia". Oh well. Too bad. It's free, so it stays. |
5. Sleep. Hahahahaha. Propping up with pillows? Nice try. Recovery position? Nope. Side sleeping? Well, I can be on my side, but I'm still missing the sleeping part.
6. Some/many/most? obstetricians don't give a flying fuck. You get a 7 minute appointment time, and you'd best talk fast. The best gem so far from my OB when asking about safety of medications and supplements: "Well, pretty much anything is safe to take". Really? SERIOUSLY? Are you fucking for real? Because I am pretty damn sure that is not accurate. But I'm going to go drink some Drano and take a boatload of Advil and get back to you. (Note: I'm kidding. Don't touch Advil if you're pregnant, or Drano if you value being alive. Both of 'em can be dangerous).
7. Whining. So much whining. Hungry, thirsty, not thirsty, no room to eat, need comforting, can't get comfortable, back aches, feet are swollen, tailbone feels bruised, baby is painfully kicking my vagina/bladder/uvula....
8. That "pregnancy glow" everyone is referring to is just a fancy term for too-goddamn-hot. I sweat like a waterfall. I need to tear my shirt off at random times because I am totally overheating. The more hot I am, the less I drink, and the cycle worsens and repeats!
 |
| I'm pretty sure he's got that pregnancy glow. AMIRITE?!?! |
9. The fatigue. Oh the fatigue. And the iron loss. I think a normal level for iron is supposed to be above 50, even better if it's closer to 100. I am sitting at 12. I can't take iron pills and I can't keep the liquid iron down. At all. And I've shared this with my doc many times. Low iron can result in low birth weight for baby, possible increased blood loss/need for a transfusion during delivery, possible increase in the likelihood of post-partum depression, and an increased risk of still birth. But hey, my OB doesn't care. Her solution? Take iron pills. Thanks.
10. The weight gain. I was perhaps slightly underweight before the Hubs knocked me up. I have since had temporary, drastic changes in my nausea and ability to eat. I capitalize on those moments, and have managed to pack on about 40 lbs. in 6 months. FORTY POUNDS, YO. And I still have 3 months to go!!! I am going to be a tank come delivery time, and who knows how long it'll take to lose... especially if I have hernia surgery in there, too!
There's more, including reading stuff that indicates passing things larger than a mango AFTER the baby is born could mean trouble (W. T. F.?????!???!)... I just don't even know how to cope with these last months. And it only goes downhill from here...
Time to syphon that pint of cotton candy ice cream into one side of my mouth while I comfort myself with pineapple I will regurgitate shortly on the other side of my mouth.
Honey? Have you seen the antacids anywhere???
____________________