Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Things No One Told Me About Pregnancy

I feel like all the mothers out there secretly snicker to themselves when they see one of us "newbies" coming along. Some mothers aren't even secretive about it, but I can identify the smirk that falls upon their mouths when I share that I am pregnant for the first time.

I KNEW it would be uncomfortable.
I KNEW it would be hard.

But I THOUGHT it would be glowy, and maybe a teensy bit softly romantic, and fascinating.

It is not. At least, not for me.
Being pregnant is BULLSHIT, save the reward at the end. No, not the vein-popping, vagina-ripping delivery "reward at the end" part. The part when that is over and you finally get to meet the squirmy blob that has been taking residence in your midsection for 9 months, stealing all your vitamins and nutrients.

I've wanted to write this post for a while, but kept hesitating because of friends who have had sad things happen.

Then I realized that I need to voice this toxic shit before it eats me ALIVE.

Things no one told me about pregnancy (aka likely knowingly withheld from me so as to not give me reason to never reproduce):

   1. For whatever reason, you will become a drizzly, drippy pee-er, and will constantly have to go. **Bonus points for creative ways to wipe without throwing out your back.

Ready? AIM! Splaaaaaatter!

   2. Even the most seasoned-hemmorhoided-vet cannot prepare for the carnage a growing fetus will have on your rectal region. A baboon has got NOTHIN' on a third trimester pregnant woman.

Even the obstetrician baboon on the right is shocked at the size of her arse balloons.

   3. While possibly not commonplace for most women, it is possible (as with me) to have CONSTANT abdominal pain and ache. 24 hours a day. With no relief.

   4. Throw in the fun and good times of an umbilical hernia just behind the ole belly button, and you've got yourself a freakish baby bump, extreme pain, inability to exercise or meet others at pre-natal fitness events, full-on uselessness, and the inability to do anything that engages the core/abdominal muscles. I'm sure you can all see how this is going to end well after the baby is born. Better yet, just imagine all that pushing with completely flaccid, unused-for-9-month ab muscles. Expect a horrifyingly graphic post on this come June.

You may be asking yourself, "Self, what the f_ck does this graphic have to do with an umbilical hernia and pregnancy?"... At least, that's what I said when the free image site gave me this when I searched "hernia". Oh well. Too bad. It's free, so it stays.

   5. Sleep. Hahahahaha. Propping up with pillows? Nice try. Recovery position? Nope. Side sleeping? Well, I can be on my side, but I'm still missing the sleeping part.

   6. Some/many/most? obstetricians don't give a flying fuck. You get a 7 minute appointment time, and you'd best talk fast. The best gem so far from my OB when asking about safety of medications and supplements: "Well, pretty much anything is safe to take". Really? SERIOUSLY? Are you fucking for real? Because I am pretty damn sure that is not accurate. But I'm going to go drink some Drano and take a boatload of Advil and get back to you. (Note: I'm kidding. Don't touch Advil if you're pregnant, or Drano if you value being alive. Both of 'em can be dangerous).

   7. Whining. So much whining. Hungry, thirsty, not thirsty, no room to eat, need comforting, can't get comfortable, back aches, feet are swollen, tailbone feels bruised, baby is painfully kicking my vagina/bladder/uvula....

   8. That "pregnancy glow" everyone is referring to is just a fancy term for too-goddamn-hot. I sweat like a waterfall. I need to tear my shirt off at random times because I am totally overheating. The more hot I am, the less I drink, and the cycle worsens and repeats!

I'm pretty sure he's got that pregnancy glow. AMIRITE?!?!

   9. The fatigue. Oh the fatigue. And the iron loss. I think a normal level for iron is supposed to be above 50, even better if it's closer to 100. I am sitting at 12. I can't take iron pills and I can't keep the liquid iron down. At all. And I've shared this with my doc many times. Low iron can result in low birth weight for baby, possible increased blood loss/need for a transfusion during delivery, possible increase in the likelihood of post-partum depression, and an increased risk of still birth. But hey, my OB doesn't care. Her solution? Take iron pills. Thanks.

   10. The weight gain. I was perhaps slightly underweight before the Hubs knocked me up. I have since had temporary, drastic changes in my nausea and ability to eat. I capitalize on those moments, and have managed to pack on about 40 lbs. in 6 months. FORTY POUNDS, YO. And I still have 3 months to go!!! I am going to be a tank come delivery time, and who knows how long it'll take to lose... especially if I have hernia surgery in there, too!

There's more, including reading stuff that indicates passing things larger than a mango AFTER the baby is born could mean trouble (W. T. F.?????!???!)... I just don't even know how to cope with these last months. And it only goes downhill from here...

Time to syphon that pint of cotton candy ice cream into one side of my mouth while I comfort myself with pineapple I will regurgitate shortly on the other side of my mouth.

Honey? Have you seen the antacids anywhere???

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  1. This brought back memories for sure.
    OMG the heartburn, constant. The mood swings, feeling hot, no matter the weather.
    I copped leg and back pain too. Pregnancy isnt fun but it will be wrth it when you have your little baby

  2. I remember dealing with lots of those things with my two pregnancies. At least the end is in sight and before you know it, you will have your little baby..no sleep though

    1. @Mynx - I'm sure it will be erased from my mind once I am holding the baby... but I'll have this detailed blog account that will remind me of the harsh reality, in case I get ideas of having a second kid! lol

  3. Ugh I hear ya. I'm so uncomfortable and frustrated and still 3 months to go too. Nobody told me about the ridiculously crazy itchy belly! And back. And arms. And legs. It starts out because your skin stretches so much, but is also linked to the nutrient-sucking Baby is doing. Oy vey.

    1. @Marianna Annadanna - I've yet to get that, but usually once I read about another pregnancy discomfort, it hits me about 4 days afterward!

      I've even been in chlorinated water, which kills my skin normally.

      I've been using Weleda stretch mark oil on tha belleh and it really does help. And less sticky moisturizer on my belly and backfat every other morning-ish.

      These babies better damn well appreciate all these nutrients they're stealing!!

  4. Holy crap! You know, if pregnancy were a product you ordered off the internet like an app, there would be reviews. Star ratings. All we get are anecdotal stories from other moms, and what they don't tell you is that SOMETHING plays with your head so you forget the worst parts of it. The obvious evidence, of course, is that some moms have more than one child. Maybe there's something in the drugs they give you, or genetic programming is stronger than we think.
    You do not seem to be having any fun at all, and as a guy, there isn't much for me to say about the whole darned thing. My sympathies. I'd give you a consolatory hug, but I'm afraid you'll pee on my leg.

    1. @Keith - I read your comment first thing this morning and I was laughing out loud. I'd give pregnancy a half star out of 5, for sure.

      And I hear the female body released oxycodone during labour to provide pain relief AND to help encourage memory loss for the pain and awfulness. For reals. So I blame that on moms that have more than one little vampire baby!

      BWHAHAHAHA and lol at the pee on your leg. You, my friend, are not too far off from the likely truth!

    2. I read this a while ago. It might be good for you to read, but I can't tell these things. Hopefully it's encouraging.

    3. @Keith - That was funny, true and TERRIFYING!

      It makes me fear the first 6 months of baby even more than before... but it's reality.

  5. In good news, you won't be fat forever? Sorry, all I got.

    Good luck ;)

    1. @Carmen - I will take this as a guarantee that you are backing up with all your life savings. If I am still fat this time next year, you're paying up, buttercup!


    2. I'll pay up with cupcakes so we can be fat together.

    3. @Carmen - Sounds fair. But you will need to eat far more than me to even it up, sister.

  6. Oh my back pain and the hormones are making me all mushy and caring and stuff. My daughter is 9... This is bullshit!! First time mom or not, it's not what they say it is. THEY LIE!!

    1. @Hey Monkey Butt - THEY DO LIE!! It's the biggest conspiracy I've faced to date in my life. Any new mom that comes into my path from here forward gets the whole truth and nothing but, regardless of the terror I will instil in them!

      Was delivering your daughter rough?

  7. Oh, honey. So sorry. Welcome to the sisterhood. There's a reason I went one and done- my pregnancy sucked ASS! I will say that if you can get in an OB office that includes midwives, they will save your ass. Literally and figuratively. I had a friend who was pregnant at the same time (same due date even) and she had a straight up OB, I had a midwife. She had a 6 pound baby that ripped her to shreds, I had a 9 1/2 pound baby and NOT A SINGLE STITCH. Not saying the "Ring of Fire" didn't make me think I had ripped my clit off, but it was just a temporary pain and didn't require six weeks of donut rings and sitz baths.

    Good luck. It'll be worth it eventually. But you're not alone in feeling cheated by the myth of pregnancy.

    1. @Nagzilla - What a succinct an clear summary of how I feel:


      I've warned the Hubs that this may well be the only baby we have. I found out VERY early on about the pregnancy, and the midwives in the area had already filled up. Ridiculous! I fear I am stuck with the OB this time. I have some other complications that warrant an OB, but I hope to hell that she looks out for me in the end. I doubt it, though.

      Kudos to your delivery, and stitchless at that! That's pretty phenomenal. I am just dreading what recovery is going to be, and just how fine a grind this baby is going to turn my junk into. *sigh*

  8. From maycri:


    Your post made me LMAO this morning and I sorely needed it. I am an inch away from wearing diapers to bed and yesterday I had a freak out moment of anger+afraid+crying+hysterical laughter... 32 weeks over here and I keep on begging hubby if I can just start pushing now...take her out!! and swearing that never again, one is enough.
    Write more later, taxi driver needs to get me to work since belly is now too close to the wheel :/

    Hugs & Ice-cream sister!"


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