Thursday, April 11, 2013

Ways Depression Can Save *YOU* Money! 1st Edition

[Quick edit: I am making light of something fairly dark here, but I am talking about the apathetic kind of depression... if you are in danger, crisis, you need help, or you need to talk to someone, please go HERE for Canadian support, or click HERE for options in the USA.]

You know, tears, sadness, hopelessness and helplessness aside, depression can provide some upsides.

It's just really hard to see it when you are in the midst of it. Positivity isn't exactly high on the list of side effects when you are down and out and chemically imbalanced.

BUT - HAVE NO FEAR! Have all the apathy you want... I mean... what do I care? I'm apathetic, too. But fear not! Here are some surefire ways you can turn that frown upside down (even though it probably will continue turning right back into that frown - but let's just grasp that moment where it resembles a half-assed smile!)

Now I'm not SAYING that free stock photography sucks, but...

Unrelated aside: I hate it when someone says a person has "done a 360" when they've totally changed their mind. That means they are back where they started and not, actually, 180 degrees away and doing the opposite. Anyway....

Ways that depression can save you money (fuck, there have to be SOME plusses, right? RIGHT? NO? Shit.):

   1. Toiletries. You will save a SHIT TON on toiletries. They will be used less often than military rations of food. Case in point:

      1a. Soap. You only use it up when you get your stanky ass in the shower. Based on personal experience, said showering can occur quite infrequently. Suck on that, Dove manufacturers! For every bar of soap I'd use up, the hubby would go through about 15. Yes, I'm gross. But if you laughed because you can relate, we should likely be gross together.

      1b. Shampoo. Same as above, but even THEN, when IN the shower, sometimes all that lathering on long hair is just SO MUCH EFFORT.

      1c. Conditioner. That shit is more rare than a whooping crane. Or whooping cough. Or something rare. Not only must you overcome the hurdle of soaping AND shampooing - you have to start all over with the conditioner. This is clearly reserved for extremely special occasions, like heading to the hairdresser (shit, I should TRY to appear normal) or you know, say, getting married.

      1d. Disposable razor blade ends. I can last on a free sample or clearance bonus pack for months. MONTHS, I say. My only real nemesis here is rust. Damn you, rust.

      1e. Expensive face wash. I use it, I love it, but again - it only works when a water source is involved.

      1f. Toothpaste. WAIT, WHAT?? You mean all that dentist's office propaganda is legit? I'm supposed to brush TWICE a day? Like, with real toothpaste and not just running the tap water to make it seem like I am concerned for my teeth and gums? Whoa.

      1g. Floss. I'm not even going to attempt to pretend here. Moving on...

   2. Long distance charges.

      Personal isolation has its pocket-book advantages! Withdrawing into oneself may be highly destructive, detrimental in the long (and short) term, and counterproductive for mood issues, but damned if I don't save myself a small fortune by not calling Grandma, Uncle Bob, or anyone I know/care for/love/associate with at 15 cents per minute!

Now, I'm not SAYING that this was on a 3-day showerless bender, and I am DEFINITELY not saying that the puppy was fully awake and aware before my BO knocked her unconscious in my arms. Nope, not saying a word on that.

   3. Entertainment Budget. 
      "What's that honey? You think it would be healthy for me to leave the house once this month? [Insert multitude of excuses as to why that would be a bad idea]. And what's that you say? It would be best if I considered showering before we left the house? Whoa no. That's just too much for one (depressed) plate. What's that you say? YOU showered AND left the house today and every day this past week? Well, that's why I love you, and clearly opposites attract!"

      You will save hundreds upon hundreds of dollars. That Marianas Trench/Maroon 5/Jay Z concert at $200 a ticket? Money in your pocket, because your shitty mood, horrible self care and unmanageable anxiety will keep you nice and firmly planted on your couch! Your partner should be THANKING you, really. That magic show? Eff that. Going to the movies? No way you want to cry in front of all those people - and no, it DOESN'T matter that it's an action movie, you will probably cry regardless.

Okay, yes I have felt this way, but clearly the stock photography place got it wrong. This woman is clearly not depressed because she took the time to braid her own hair. That's high functioning self-care, kids.

      That art festival? No, it would take too much brain power. That craft show? Too much fragrant potpourri, sparkles and sweatshirts with puff paint application. And all that sensory overload - you know, breathing air, talking to people and having to walk and be upright. Do I LOOK like a marathon endurance person to you? DO I??

Yeah, didn't think so.

Okay, that's it for the first edition. I have to pee and go to sleep. Priorities, folks.

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  1. I'm fairly sure wine would improve the whole darned thing. But then, you have a temporary problem with that. Have we discussed chocolate?

    Firstly, because I'm a guy, and don't do all that emotional shit, here is a practical thing. Rusty razor blades. There is a trick to that. Run the razor backwards a few times over a pair of jeans that are about to go in the wash. (Let's not talk about if jeans are being washed, assuming, if we must, that they're your partners. True love and all. Or rather, TWUE WUVE!) That cleans the rust off the business end, and sharpens the twisted shards that make shaving with an old razor so unpleasant. I can make a mach 3 blade last for months, as long as my wife doesn't use it.

    I was reading the other day that shampoo is destroying our hair. It's too clean. My rule is brush once, floss once. (The teeth, not the hair, and don't use hair for floss. Can't save money that way, even if it's clean hair.)

    Phone calls. There are a zillion plans for cheap calling. Put your partner on finding one that works for you, unless you feel up for it.

    There are books and the internet. Who needs to go out for entertainment anymore? Only go out to see your friends. Ah, friends, you remember those, right?

    1. @Keith - yes, twue wuve, lol.

      Do you mean run the razor with the sharp side up? Or run the razor away from the grain? I can't picture it.

      And let's just say it's a good thing there isn't hair floss. Yet another toiletry to be neglected. HA.

      We have a fine long distance plan, I'm just being an ass. And what's this "friends" thing you speak of? I assume there are none of those things available in BC since we haven't got any? lol.

    2. Lay jeans out nice and flat. Take razor in hand as if you were going to shave the jeans. Try not to think about that too much. Then instead of pulling the razor in a shave motion, push it. It doesn't matter which way the nap of the jeans is going. Sort of like the same idea as stropping a razor like the old fashioned barbers. (This might not help, you being a girl and all, and way too young to remember when barbers shaved their customers.) The pushing motion runs the blades the wrong way against the jeans, using the blades to flatten the jeans fabric, rather than shaving them like hairs. This also starts pulling the very fine shards of metal off the edge, and will clean any rust and other guck off the business end of the razor. You don't care about the stuff up away from the sharp end. It's a visual only, with no relationship to reality. The other trick, necessary outside Alberta, is to actually dry the thing off after, using a hair dryer for a few seconds.

  2. Wow! To all of the above. Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone in this but I am actually saving money and stuff. Now I don't feel so bad.
    Sadly....summer will be coming and that means using those rusty razors once a month and then the bandages and people asking questions causing me to go back inside to the safty of just me and...hey, that's cool. I won't have to shave if I just stay home.

    1. @middle child - And there will be several more editions, unless the apathy wins this battle!

      Yeah, summer is tough for the shaving thing. LONG LIVE LONG SKIRTS!



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