Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Aero is BULLSHIZZ!

9 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
I had the recent pleasure of buying a... wait for it... KING-SIZED Aero chocolate bar (you know, "candy bar" for my American friends).

I then had the displeasure of having said Aero chocolate bar melt in my car.

Not to be deterred by a little melty-ness, I tried to open the package, but the high quality  pure milk chocolate    pure chocolate   chocolate-like-chocolate   modified milk ingredients had deteriorated into a tube of liquid poo-like contents, reminiscent of the soggy-poop-yard-waste-clean-up of days past.

So I refrigerated that shit as fast as I could, planning to  healthfully  obviously eat the "chocolate" bar for dinner.

Once solidified, I intended to eat it as fast as I could, with no witnesses, so the calories wouldn't count as much. (That's how it works, right?)


Fresh out of the fridge, utter disappointment = half a chocolate bar.


Anyway, Aero is bullshit. There's a reason there are air bubbles inside. Check the grams (or ounces) on the bar, peoples! You are eating AIR!

You pay the same as you do for other types of bars, but you're a sucker because you're paying for nothingness!!

Once it melts you are left with half a freakin' chocolate bar. All air and little chocolate bar makes Stephanie a dull boy. No wait. REDRUM, REDRUM, REDRUM.

Oh, forget it.



At least it explains all that flatulence....


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Sunday, November 13, 2011

An Open Letter To Canadian Tire:

9 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
Dear Canadian Tire,

I realize that you are a Canadian company. Based on my 30+ years of experience in Ontario, my frequent trips to your rubber-scented store with my father over the years, and the implications of your name, I assumed that you would be a wise choice for me to purchase tires from.

I was wrong.

I am not quite sure how a store named CANADIAN mothereffing TIRE could suck so damn much at the entire process of selecting, purchasing, receiving and installing tires, explaining warranty, and recording info like my odometer reading.

My personal experience was PAINFUL when purchasing tires at Canadian Tire. I called to ask what the best option would be for my wee car. I had it narrowed to 3 choices (What?! The New Husband refused me to research this shit for weeks on end like I normally do, so I had to act fast), all of which your tire rep insisted were "fine tah-ers".

Could he comment on the all season-ness? No. Would any be better in wet conditions? Not sure.

Okay, fine, I'll take the Michelins.

You have 4 in the store? Perfect, can you please hold them and I'll bring my car in?

No, you won't hold them? Ok. What if I give you my credit card info? No?
Can I just come into the store now? No? Because you are busy?
WTF?

So I called back later to schedule an appointment. The new gent explained that the system wasn't working right and that he didn't know what to do, but I "could just come in when we open tomorrow first thing, and if you get here first you hopefully shouldn't have a problem".

Reassuring.

Gee, sounds swell. I really hope I can get up early, head to your shop, HOPE you have the 4 tires I want, and ASSUME you will install them then for me.

Screw it. If in-store wasn't reliable, I'd order online.

Despite the name, they suck when it comes to tire purchases.


Dear God. If any store has ABSOLUTELY no communication between online tire transactions and the store, Canadian Tire takes the prize when ordering tires online.

Be advised, dear Canadian Tire customer, that your online confirmation is NOT a receipt, but that you will get a receipt in store. HOWEVER, once you get to the store, the store will tell you there is no record of purchase and no receipt to give you, because "you didn't buy the tires from us. You bought them online."

Uhh... but...?

Canadian Tire online emailed me at least three times to tell me to CALL MY MOTHEREFFING SELECTED STORE to schedule my installation.

Said local store had no record of my tires.
For days.
And days.
And a few more days, while assuring they would call me once my tires were delivered to the store.

They did not call. Ever.

Online emailed me AGAIN.

So, dear Canadian Tire customer, after you walk in to the store with your online confirmation and wait 15 minutes for them to locate the tires that they do, in fact, have in store with your name on...

- You will get to hear the guys at the desk takes bets on what one employee decides to "sell" someone that day (Niiiiiice).
- You will be temporarily talked into an additional $7/tire warranty to replace your tire because (and I quote) "the included warranty isn't really a warranty and you're screwed if damage happens near your sidewall."
- Your husband will tell you the extra warranty is bullshit and you will save yourself $60.
- You will have to call the store 3 more times, and make another return trip because they have 'accidentally' recorded your odometer reading 8,000 km LOWER than your odometer reading, which impacts your not-very-comprehensive "comprehensive" warranty. (Be sure they correct this in their system with a new work order, even if they protest, tell you there is nothing they can do if you've already "cashed out", and offer to correct it in pen, in their own hand writing).

- Don't give them the business or the satisfaction of forcing you into an overpriced alignment "check" for $50, or an alignment for $90. Take your shit elsewhere. It will NOT void your warranty if you don't get it done then and there. I'm going to get it done at Active Green & Ross.

Even your main customer service line wouldn't confirm if not getting an alignment would void my warranty.

In truth, it would seem that uneven wear due to misalignment is not covered in your warranty, but by the sounds of it, not much is covered in your warranty... so... as a Canadian Tire customer, why would you want to spend another $100 at Crappy Tire?

Anyway Canadian Tire, if you are truly looking to get back to being a leader in tire sales once more, you have a hell of a lot of work to do. PATHETIC, after spending nearly $1,000 in goods and services, along with much too long on the phone and in store.

Apathetically furiously yours,
Stephanie

p.s. The more I hear that damn whistle on your commercials, the more rage-y I get. Just sayin'.

p.p.s. I look forward to your cease and desist letter.

[Edit:] p.p.p.s. Yandie had it right... I forgot that my father has referred to your company as Crappy Tire for as long as I can remember. How... relevant.
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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I Am Mutant... Hear Me Roar!

14 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
Or rather, smell me coming.

What? Huh?

I am mutant. I believe this for many reasons, one of which I will share with you here.

I don't have extra toes, extra nipples, or extra Halloween candy stored above the stove which I dip into every morning before breakfast. (One of those may be a lie).

I don't turn green when I become enraged, although lately I have been very ragey/stabby, but I just mostly get sad. It's like the SADDEST Hulk-A-Stephanie you ever did see.

But I digress.

No, my mutant-status has been achieved through one thing: My Armpits. (Okay, fine, TWO THINGS, shaddap).

I have discovered that typically before I get to the end of my deodorant of choice, my armpits and sweat gland-y system have adapted and mutated to no longer respond to the anti-perspirant properties.

It's like how upper respiratory infections spread through animal shelters because the infection mutates faster than the antibiotics/antibodies. But with less cats and slightly less mucous.

If I am ever so lucky as to have SUCCESS WITH A DEODORANT! for a full container's worth, I swear-to-mother-effing-Jebus that it is, without a doubt, unquestionably and mysteriously a  flavour  smell  blend  perfume-y.thing  formulation that has been DISCONTINUED by the manufacturer.




With less enthusiasm & facial hair, but definitely more muffin top.  Via



It's like my pits and Secret are out to get me. Orange jasmine? Check. Baby powder coconut caffeine? Check. Ylang ylang lavender concrete rose blossom? Tea tree antibiotic lemon zest candy cane-infused menthol? Check. Every fucking time.

I go to Walmart, Shopper's Drug Mart, the grocery store. NOTHING. I ask the clerks who give me a side glance and tell me to keep moving, that they never carried the deodorant in the first place.

Swear.To.Gahd.

Anyway, I have officially run out of new brands to try, so if you know me offline, you've been given fair warning.

Married and smelly.

That is all...


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