Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I Am Mutant... Hear Me Roar!

Or rather, smell me coming.

What? Huh?

I am mutant. I believe this for many reasons, one of which I will share with you here.

I don't have extra toes, extra nipples, or extra Halloween candy stored above the stove which I dip into every morning before breakfast. (One of those may be a lie).

I don't turn green when I become enraged, although lately I have been very ragey/stabby, but I just mostly get sad. It's like the SADDEST Hulk-A-Stephanie you ever did see.

But I digress.

No, my mutant-status has been achieved through one thing: My Armpits. (Okay, fine, TWO THINGS, shaddap).

I have discovered that typically before I get to the end of my deodorant of choice, my armpits and sweat gland-y system have adapted and mutated to no longer respond to the anti-perspirant properties.

It's like how upper respiratory infections spread through animal shelters because the infection mutates faster than the antibiotics/antibodies. But with less cats and slightly less mucous.

If I am ever so lucky as to have SUCCESS WITH A DEODORANT! for a full container's worth, I swear-to-mother-effing-Jebus that it is, without a doubt, unquestionably and mysteriously a  flavour  smell  blend  perfume-y.thing  formulation that has been DISCONTINUED by the manufacturer.

With less enthusiasm & facial hair, but definitely more muffin top.  Via

It's like my pits and Secret are out to get me. Orange jasmine? Check. Baby powder coconut caffeine? Check. Ylang ylang lavender concrete rose blossom? Tea tree antibiotic lemon zest candy cane-infused menthol? Check. Every fucking time.

I go to Walmart, Shopper's Drug Mart, the grocery store. NOTHING. I ask the clerks who give me a side glance and tell me to keep moving, that they never carried the deodorant in the first place.


Anyway, I have officially run out of new brands to try, so if you know me offline, you've been given fair warning.

Married and smelly.

That is all...

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  1. Just blame the deoderant manufacturers for making faulty products. That's how I roll.

  2. i'll still put my face in your armpit. it's just what friends do.

  3. well we all have our issues but smelly or not your still awesome

  4. Yikes. Thankfully Dove continues to work well for me. I am a sweater but not from my pits...no that'd be too normal. I get that sexy nose and upper lip sweat...awesome! Ugh. If only I could slather deodorant there.

  5. ack! good luck w/ finding something that works and when you do - buy a couple cases

  6. whoops - the rest of that was "quick before they discontinue it again!" : )

  7. @J.Day - I can't deny the obvious mutinous properties of my pits. And I agree with you on the YUCK of Chai tea.

    @Kage - That's why I luv ya and leave inappropriate comments on your blog posts. Next time I'm in your neck of the woods...

    @becca - Why are you so nice to me?!?! It baffles the mind, you are so sweet. :)

    @According to Jewels - Dove worked for two rounds, then stopped working, dammit. Also? Way good call on Kage's BILF status. Spot on, Jewels, spot on!!

    Also? Clinical strength you wipe on the night before. Honest to goodness, it could potentially help with your upper lip sweat. Worth trying in a travel size.

    @carmar76 - Yes, but you see, my armpits would be there when I buy the cases, and they would morph appropriately to not respond any longer.

    On the honeymooon, not only did I forget my deodorant, but my body didn't seem to like The New Husband's Degree, either.

  8. I swear by Degree. That stick works! And if I'm being cheap and don't buy that, I get Dove. Not only does it work, it smells good AND I'm moisturizing!

  9. dang it! gonna hafta figure out a way to trick the armpits...

  10. did you try any of those ridiculous organic mulch-and-cuckoo-spit varieties? maybe your pits would appreciate.

    or, you know. you could try great dane spit.

    p.s. i fucking hate typos.

  11. I'm so jealous....I only have mutant toes.

  12. The same thing started happening to me about a month ago. I had to switch from my favorite brand because I smelled awful!

  13. I'm not an Amway dealer, but you might try them. It will probably take your body a while to mutate through their selections.

  14. @Michael - I've tried them both. Using a tea-tree oil Degree right now with no success. Dove no longer works, either. Mutant pits, I say. Mutant!

    @carmar76 - I am honestly all out of ideas. Even tried men's deodorant and it was Degree, so my body was all like "nuh-uh, not gonna work!"

    @steph gas - I think organic would curl up and die right on the bathroom counter, but it's the only next option. And I find Great Dane spit feels even WORSE than roll on.

    @Jo - Hi Jo. Are you a new commenter? If so, I welcome you, and if not, sorry I am such an ass and didn't remember your last comment. :)


    @Paula - I've cycled through them all. My poor, poor New Husband.

    @Fred - Hey there. No idea what Amway is. I thought it was a thrift store. But if it costs me customs brokerage fees to cross the border into Canada, then no dice! I'm smelly AND cheap! hehe



I get far too excited when new comments come in here...