Sunday, June 24, 2012

Top 13 Ways to Ruin Your Vacation

I'm not one to brag, but... I f_cking know HOW to ruin a vacation.

Like a champ.

Like a motherf_ cking champ, you guys.

Like, I can hear the throngs of readers gasping at my mad skills. Practically.

Here, in no particular order, are the top 13 (lucky, right?) ways to ruin your vacation:

  1. Spend the 15 preceding days putting in 17-hour days with little-to-no sleep, eating one meal a day, living with severe nausea.
  2. Be absolutely too fatigued to be excited/sleep properly/eat/enjoy yourself on the way or once you arrive at your vacation destination.
  3. Bring a laptop and Wifi (wireless internet) device.
  4. Discover that from ANYWHERE in the resort, you can and DO access internet for free (in your typical-at-home-unhealthy-addiction-to-the-internet fashion). Get sand in your Wifi device.
  5. Decide to wash your only pair of pants and hang them outside to dry. See #6. 
  6. Leave your hometown when it is experiencing a sunny heat wave. While gone, experience constant cloudy skies and thundershowers at your destination. Ensure you pay too much for the trip AND experience the full rain and humidity.
  7. Discover that the 5-star (hahahah! FIVE stars?!? In your dreams, Breezes Grand Negril!) resort is incapable of meeting your allergy/food dietary restriction needs. Discover they expected you to bring your own gluten-free pasta/food. Commence 6 days of hunger pangs between bouts of crippling nausea.
  8. Realize that a working telephone is necessary. Then realize your room phone is 97% static, and 3% sassy Jamaican attitude. Refer back to #4, and Skype the shit out of people.
  9. Be too sick to your stomach to drink alcohol. At an all inclusive resort. That you paid too much for. While it's raining and you can't lay on the beach. And you are pissed at your travelling companion because they crushed your ego and spirit in a disastrous game of Scrabble a few hours before.
  10. Be wholly and completely constipated. I mean 100%. Until the day of departure. Then go to the opposite extreme. EXTREME.
  11. Discover far too late that you actually despise rum.
  12. Have a long, relaxing, hot shower and unknowingly flood the entire hallway and part of the bedroom floor of your room. Try to call housekeeping, then refer to #8. Following this realization, spend 85 minutes trying to flush out the water into the outdoor hallway with your feet, your travelling companion's feet, one semi-dry towel and one small plastic cup. Fail at this.
  13. Oh, and have your house up for sale the whole time. While you are in another country. (Does wonders for the nerves/soul/general feeling of helplessness and detachment). Also replace "people" in #8 with "Realtor".
If you need any additional tips on how to ruin your vacation, ruining a vacation to Jamaica, how to waste a lot of money on vacation, or general stupidity when planning something that should be relaxing and fun - you know who to talk to.

And if you want an even MORE painful version, talk to my husband.


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  1. oh wow. that really, really sucks.

    hope you're feeling better...

    1. @pensive pumpkin - Feeling a bit better, thanks, but still so queasy. Sucks donkey sac.

  2. Well, in all fairness, numbers 7, 8, 12, are not your fault and nothing you have any control over. Number 4 is a wash, since you can't control them supplying the wifi, but then there is your accessing it. I sure hope number 10 happened well before the airplane, and preferably, before the airport.

    As for the rest, well, it doesn't sound like much fun, that's for sure. I think if I'm going to talk to your husband there had better be lots of rum involved.

    1. @Keith - I knew you would present a balanced perspective! ;)

      I got my shizz under control before the plane, literally, thank goodness.

      And you are COMPLETELY correct in needing rum to hear the truth. Just make sure I am nowhere close, so as not to smell the rum...

  3. Next time, just stay home. That's the lesson I learned here. lol Sorry you had such a horrible experience!

    1. @J.Day - It's like I'm a sucker for punishment who insists on continuously going back for more. I never, ever seem to learn.

      I always think "Well, hey, can't be worse than last time!"

      And I am usually wrong. lol.

  4. Oh dear, you dont have much luck with holidays. Hope the next one is better

    1. @Mynx - Thanks Mynx. I have a big big trip planned in the near future, and I hope to hell it goes better than this one! More to come on that one.

      Hope you are well! {hugs back}

  5. Wow! That stinks. The phone thing is totally Jamaica, Mon! Negril is very pretty, I hope you had a smidgeon of fun. I'm not a rum lover in general but I do like it in something coconutty on a beach. Fingers crossed for a house offer.

    1. @Gina - Negril was very nice - that 7 mile beach is lovely. And the house is sold!

  6. I hate to laugh but that was damn funny. Next time just come to Florida where we only have 1% sassy jammies
    cheers, Sausage...

    1. @sausage - I'd actually be hurt if you didn't laugh. Someone needs to benefit from my horrid luck and subsequent stories!

  7. Ok, did you piss off the travel gods or something? That's craziness!

    I kept waiting for something to go wrong on my trip, in particular, on the way home. Unfortunately, nothing did, and I was expected to join the "real" world again, 105 degree weather, and a massive fire that sets off my asthma when I got "home". I can't leave for a week without the frigging state burning down, apparently.

    I hope you're feeling better, and I hope you yelped the hell out of that resort.

    1. @Leauxra - The travel gods fucking hate me.

      You are crucial to your state's fire safety. Did you go to Hawaii??

      I'm mildly better, and have yet to review the resort. Too tied up in house sale bullshit.

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. OK, there were so many typos, I had to delete that.

      Let's try again.

      I DID go to Hawaii, actually. AND I got made fun of by a shuttle drive in Las Vegas! Neat!

      I have the first of three posts with photo-realistic drawings and everything. And Hawaii was awesome. I am still considering figuring out what it would take to move... and how to work from home because there are NO JOBS.

  8. Oh honey. That just sucks. Even my Japanese earthquake vacation was better than that!

    Would it help ease the pain if I nominate you for a couple of awards?

    1. @nagzilla - I am too lazy to handle awards. I would likely drop them and break them. Along with my toes. Or toe.

      I find a way to ruin all travel. It's a curse and a gift. I guess.

  9. What-the-fuckery just seems to follow you no matter where you are. I'm sorry your island vacay was less than appealing.

    1. @CrazyTragicAlmostMagic - You'd think I'd be used to it by now.

      But I'm not.

      Damn you, Jamaica!

      Okay, not really, but DAMN YOU, what-the-fuckery!!


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