Exposed Genitals, Scarred Teens. Also? I Am Getting Old.

So first off, let me explain that the scarred-for-life teens in this post are not related to me (thank gawd for them!).

Let me also explain that this post is a separate entity from my promised vacation posts which I will get back to, if I can remember them.

It all began on December afternoon when I thought up a different type of Christmas present for my niece and nephew, who are both younger than 12 (that's all you get in terms of description or my sister may murder me for exploiting her children on the interwebs). And no, the initial idea had nothing to do with exposed genitals.

OH! And I almost forgot. No children's bizznazz was exposed. You guys know - it was aaaaaaaall me.

So, as a way to spend some quality time with the kids, niece and nephew, I figured I would take them for an overnight stay in Niagara Falls and get a two-day pass to a waterpark there. At Christmas they were like "oh... great." (but I will stick with the concept that the print-out I gave them wasn't enough to relay the FUN we were going to have, and the fact that I also got them out of a day of school!).

The morning we left, I wanted to ensure they had breakfast.

ME:            [redacted name of niece] did you and your brother have a decent breakfast this morning?

NIECE:      Yeah, we did.

ME:            What did you have?

NIECE:      I had chocolate milk and [redacted name of nephew] had a bun (read: small dinner roll).

ME:            Dude, that is not a decent breakfast. Please have some toast or something.

NIECE:      Nooooo, I'm not hungry and neither is [redacted name of nephew]!

Let me first explain that:

• Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and is totally a huge preventer of pre-lunch child crankiness.
• Changing, packing clothes, hauling ass to a pool of any kind, continuing to play and having fun is much easier if entire party does not have to haul ass back to hotel to change and get in car to go somewhere to eat.
• These kids navigate towards snack booths and vending machines like magnets to a fridge. (Like their Aunt Steph) they would prefer sugar and/or salty snacks with soda pop over anything nutritious if the opportunity presents itself. I believe they will hold out for it. Grandparenting has encouraged this behaviour. Love = snack booth shopping spree with one grandparent.
• Niagara Falls is a ginormous, insanely-scaled tourist trap, anywhere within a few kilometers of the falls. For example, fries at the waterpark were $10. Fries. $10. *choking on my own cheapness frugal instincts*.

Anyway... after peanut butter toast was force-fed and nephew ate a plain dry piece of white bread at his own insistence (how my sister does this at 3 meal times per day baffles my mind), we were off.

We headed out for the busiest two days of my life ever. I think I did less on safari in Tanzania and Kenya in two days, less than packing last minute before I moved. These KIDS.CAN.GO.FOREVER. My nephew gains speed/volume/unruliness/strength/determination and energy the more tired he gets. It baffles the mind. If he could find a way to bottle and market that shizz, he'd put Red Bull out of business in an instant.

So we went. And we played. And we had a blast. And Aunt Steph hauled double inner-tubes up flights and flights of stairs. We went down multiple slides, we went in the wave pool, the kids sat under the massive tipping bucket.

My delicate ladyparts were ravaged by the level of chlorine and chemicals in those bodies of water. Ravaged.

But... the traumatizing of the teens was on day one. You see, I washed my bathing suits after our most recent vacation. Apparently, the elastic in my black bikini bottoms decided that only half would be functioning and present for the next wearing of said bottoms. I did not know this until I was changed and in the waterpark. And there was no way we were turning back (see first bullet point).

So I approached the inner tube, to ride down with nephew. What's that you say, teen waterpark tube run employee? I need to straddle the tube and put my legs on either side of nephew's body? Oh, okay, but my butt goes into the back space, and he sits in the front? Okay. SO... just drop and straddle?

1. DROPPING COMMENCES.
2. BATHING SUIT BOTTOMS DIVERGE.
3. ELASTIC FAILS.
4. BIKINI BOTTOMS ATTEMPT TO HIDE IN ANY AND ALL OF MY LOWER REGION CREVASSES.
5. GENITALS ARE ACCIDENTALLY AND HELPLESSLY EXPOSED. 
6. HUMILIATION COMMENCES.
7. SLIDE BEGINS. I TUG AT BOTTOMS FEVERISHLY.
8. STOP RIDE.
9. ATTEMPT TO ADJUST BOTTOMS ONCE MORE BEFORE STANDING AT BOTTOM OF SLIDE. ASSURE CHILD I AM GETTING UP AND DOING SO AS FAST AS POSSIBLE while extracting my double wedgie. Yes, double.
10. REPEAT STEPS 1 THROUGH 9.

Now, I did all I could after this to hang on to my bottoms when I "straddled and dropped", but it was pretty impossible. Blissfully unaware, niece and nephew never saw or came within a foot of this exposure due to the double seat of the inner tube. How terribly embarrassing. Just those poor waterpark employees who happened to catch a glimpse before we went down the tubes.

All while straddling the width of this thing. Loveable niece and nephew blocked out for privacy's sake. Who the hell would want to be associated with a post like this, anyway???

BF joined us on day two, and the kids loved it. Also making an appearance was a bathing suit bottom for me that stayed in place. Thankfully I packed another suit.

Also? I am old because, at 30, before we left the Falls, after non-stop going from 9am until 11pm on day one, having a horrendous sleep at the Skyline Inn, and going from about 9am until about 7:30pm on day 2, I was in tears on a bench in the "Adventure City" arcade, because I was so tired, had a raging headache, and was so physically fatigued. My body hurt EVERYWHERE. It still does today. I don't know how many times I climbed those stairs, but let me say it was more than my body can handle.

I am bruised and battered. Physically SPENT, even after another night of sleep. I feel so sick and rotten, but I am glad I got to spend the time with the kids.
Wanted to go tobogganing today but knew I wouldn't last more than one run.
So glad to have spent the time with the kids, but so sore. And so pH-unbalanced. You know what I mean.

Did I mention we didn't even get a chance to see the Falls?

I am getting old, and I am clearly painfully out of shape. I am surprised I lasted as long as I did.

But now, I really see why they need all that chlorine in the water.
For accidental pervs like me.

Oh, and all the kid pee.
That too.

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Christmas Wrapping Tutorial (Crappy Sound Included At No Additional Cost)

This is for my good Blogger friend, Jess, over at "not your average joan of archetypal patterns", in response to her much better quality, much better video in her post here.

You also get to see the server-waitress-branded outfit from my last post (I opted for a necklace, straight hair, no pink lipstick, and oodles of frizz-taming serum).

I apologize for the horrendous sound. I did try to caption and annotate the video in some places, but it is hard to hear. However my adorable smiling face should be enough to make you want to sacrifice 7 whole minutes of your life, 6 minutes and 59 seconds of which you will never get back.

There are no close ups. Except for my face when I move towards the computer. All in all, a pretty ass-tastic tutorial. But promises are promises, and my taping rampage may help Jess in her quest for less-lumpy Christmas wrapping.

Behold the wonder of built-in laptop microphone and camera:



Consider it my gift to you all. HAHAHAHA. No, seriously, I'm sorry you just lost 7 minutes of your life.

I love you!


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