Showing posts with label lion and tigers and hairs oh my. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lion and tigers and hairs oh my. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Hair Washing 101

30 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
I just read an article in "Glow" Magazine (the magazine that Shoppers Drug Mart puts out with the odd article, essentially just showcasing all the shit they want you to buy at Shoppers Drug Mart) saying in winter it is best to wash your hair twice a week.

Twice a week?

First of all, not gonna sell a lot of shampoo that way, Shoppers!

Then I got thinking.... I just had to blow a good chunk of change to fix my horrible hair.

It was a deal for    leopard spotting bleach 2" from my roots   highlights and a  butchering  cut from one of those "deal sites" where they oversold themselves and in turn hired some random people who "may" or "may not" be ACTUAL hairdressers.

I have no doubt in my mind that Polished & Pampered Wellness hired  Coulda just been random people armed with damaging bleach and determination. One never really knows these things.

I can't be certain, but it's possible that the girl that did my hair was related to the Travelocity Travelling gnome, was sprinting through Hamilton, and was given a job opportunity she SHOULD have refused.

I digress.

The orange/spotted/leopard/hack job that resulted was pretty awesome.

Just...  tear-inducingly horrific   awesome.

I'd post a picture, but I was too vain to have that shit documented.

The hair I wanted. (Via)

Essentially, what I got. (Various Sources).


So, after getting my money back (because the "salon" was a joke and ended up COSTING me 6 times the cost of the voucher to get my "hair did" properly), my hair is now totally fried.


Back to the hairwashing... maybe if I wear enough perfume AND hats, I can salvage the white-blonde-straw that I am currently fashioning as hair, via less damage by jumping on this minimalist hair washing bandwagon.

I almost feel deceived. Even at the NEW, qualified salon, the stylist cut SO MUCH HAIR OFF, then thinned it for good measure. You know, ensuring a mullet-like-style with regrowth.... trying to fix it.

But she flat ironed it all purrrdy, and it looked reasonable.
Then I went to a wedding.
And drank far too much.
And acted like a drunkard.
And broke my toe.
And came home.
And cleaned up puppy shit for 3 hours (another day, another blog post).
And then showered and washed my hair.

Dear god, it's like a dehydrated lion. A dehydrated lion with zebra stripes.


No V-O-5 hot oil can even begin to smooth this hot, or rather, dry, mess. (You know what else is a hot mess? My comma use. Another day, another blog post).

So... perhaps in an effort to keep the over-dyed, unhealthy, over-bleached, under appreciated hair that is left on my head, I may reduce hair washing.

Lord have mercy on my pillow.
And the complexion at my hairline.


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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Woolly Mammoth Much?

18 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
So, have you ever accidentally skipped a Saturday's worth of brow plucking... only to realize in your tacky mirrored closet doors in the bright sunlight (as you let the dogs outside) that you have somehow morphed into a woolly mammoth?

If you said no, you're a fucking liar.

Or a dude.

Approximation. Slightly less tusk-y.


Also? The person who invented the 5-times or 10-times magnification mirror is one sadistic motherfucker.

Have you ever had a day where you kicked some ass at work and felt great? Did a workshop and felt like you accomplished a lot? Had fun being a social butterfly, gettin' out there, feeling good? Then looked in one of those goddamn mirrors?

GAH.

Some things are just not meant to be seen that close up. Or in high definition.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. Just IMAGINE his EAR HAIR!

Moments like this make me wish that:

A) I had a home waxing kit
B) I had the balls to actually use the wax and personally, painfully tear it off of my face without losing flesh
C) Spend my life savings on total body laser hair removal. Give or take a few regions.


I'm pretty sure that I need that dude that drives the blade-sharpening truck around the neighbourhood (with creepy music) to help restore what once was back to my tweezers. They are currently shuddering in the bathroom drawer.

You know the guy... he preys on suckers like me and FeyoncĂ©™ who are all green 'n shit and use a push blade mower. You'd recognize our house by the uneven, patchy grass and general inability to cut down that wheat grass weedy-shizz.

Anyway, gonna have to set "tweeze" as a recurrent event in the ol' Google calendar. With reminders. Reminders, people.

Next thing I know, my nose hair is going to stake it's own country on my face. Fuck.

But with more flag... (image)

Whatever. It makes it more of a challenge to see my real beauty.

Just bring your machetes, bitches.

;-)

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