Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Woolly Mammoth Much?

So, have you ever accidentally skipped a Saturday's worth of brow plucking... only to realize in your tacky mirrored closet doors in the bright sunlight (as you let the dogs outside) that you have somehow morphed into a woolly mammoth?

If you said no, you're a fucking liar.

Or a dude.

Approximation. Slightly less tusk-y.

Also? The person who invented the 5-times or 10-times magnification mirror is one sadistic motherfucker.

Have you ever had a day where you kicked some ass at work and felt great? Did a workshop and felt like you accomplished a lot? Had fun being a social butterfly, gettin' out there, feeling good? Then looked in one of those goddamn mirrors?


Some things are just not meant to be seen that close up. Or in high definition.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. Just IMAGINE his EAR HAIR!

Moments like this make me wish that:

A) I had a home waxing kit
B) I had the balls to actually use the wax and personally, painfully tear it off of my face without losing flesh
C) Spend my life savings on total body laser hair removal. Give or take a few regions.

I'm pretty sure that I need that dude that drives the blade-sharpening truck around the neighbourhood (with creepy music) to help restore what once was back to my tweezers. They are currently shuddering in the bathroom drawer.

You know the guy... he preys on suckers like me and FeyoncĂ©™ who are all green 'n shit and use a push blade mower. You'd recognize our house by the uneven, patchy grass and general inability to cut down that wheat grass weedy-shizz.

Anyway, gonna have to set "tweeze" as a recurrent event in the ol' Google calendar. With reminders. Reminders, people.

Next thing I know, my nose hair is going to stake it's own country on my face. Fuck.

But with more flag... (image)

Whatever. It makes it more of a challenge to see my real beauty.

Just bring your machetes, bitches.



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  1. I have an old weed eater you can borrow if you like. lol

  2. I understand completely. Its just as frightening for us all.

  3. when i lived in england, i used a wall outlet plug-in "home waxing kit". it worked fine. when i came back to the states, i didn't take into account the difference in voltage and didn't let it heat long enough. the wax didn't get very gooey, so i had to rewax the same spot twice. long story short, i looked like i had cleft lip palate.

  4. I get the spa ladies to wax my brows... ain't no way I'd try to do that myself!!!

  5. I feel like i have to pluck every flipping day or i look like that guy with the brows... it sucks...

  6. Your poster boy up there kind of looks like his stash is actually nose hair. Now that would be bad if it truly were. Then again, can you just imagine how hairy his balls are?

    The Ranter’s Box

  7. aw, i think your work photo is lovely! but why do you say you "don't surf the internet"?


  8. Oh wow! Yeah I'm feeling ya. Makes it all the more disenheartening when big manly hubby has baby fine brows that rest above his eyes like angel wings...Makes me want to take an epilady to him!

  9. I didn't know women had nose hair problems, I thought only men dealt with that.

  10. Just tell people you're a werewolf and not to mess with you.

  11. @Oilfield Trash - Sounds like a plan, bro!

    @Brandy Rose - Let us hold each other.

    @You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... - This is why waxing terrifies me.

    @myjoyproject - I LITERALLY stay red for anywhere from 3-7 hours. Nearly purple. My poor little wussy skin.

    @AmberLaShell - I feel your pain, sistah!! I can't wait until laser hair removal gets cheaper!

  12. @The Empress - I know, right? I also found a great pic of Tom Selleck with his moustache as eyebrows. Solid photoshop work.

    @Kage - I love a smartass. ;-)

    @Anonymous - Oooh, Epilady is a form of torture. Right up there with the waxing. Did you say you LOVE hubby? JK.

    @George - I'll let you know when I get to the braiding point. It COULD happen.

    @Leauxra - I like the way you think. A shewolf! I'll play Shakira everywhere I go, as a warning. Then howl.


  13. i'm lucky i've never had to tweeze my brow (running now so you won't hit me)

  14. Vigorously nodding my head in agreement with all the comments above. :)

  15. I have some monster brows but as I get older they grow sparser and the hairs grow longer. It's really weird. And some of the hairs are gray. Ah beauty!

  16. @becca - *Glares in a sinister fashion below alread-bushy-again-eyebrows*

    @The Tame Lion - Did any of your facial hair flutter while you were nodding so vigorously??

    @Sarah Lindahl - That's when I brush 'em upwards and use a nose-trimmer to shorten them. I am SO badass sexy. You too! :-)

  17. I am disappointed that this blog was not about prehistoric Mammuthus primigenius. I'm an enthusiast, you know.

  18. @Storm. Kat Storm. - I feel like my life is a series of letdowns for you. My apologies. I had no knowledge of your enthusiasm. Talk about false advertising. Gah.



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