Wednesday, July 6, 2011

What The F*ck, Exercise? Seriously?

I figured now that I've  put weight back on  getting married in the fall  decided to get healthier, I'd bust out the ole sports bra and start moving and shakin' again.

I find, most often, the hardest part is   getting out of bed   putting down the bag of Doritos   brushing my teeth and leaving the house   actually putting on the workout gear, and running shoes. Once that's done  and the Dorito crumb have been brushed off somewhat   it's easy-peasy-lemon-squeez-y to get to the workout facility/gym/bed.

So... uh... yeah, anyway... I actually GET my ass to the gym. I forget my own yoga mat (ALWAYS) and have the guts to put my bare feet on a potentially-fungus-covered public-use yoga mat. Socks are off. Sitting on my arse bones waiting for class to start.




Not to be confused with a Jack Johnson song. Much less trippy-esque, much more potential foot fungus. Maybe even butt fungus. Yoga pants are only so thick, people.

Your ass could be next.

Then, after some more waiting, the instructor doesn't show up. W.T.F. Seriously?? ....REALLY?? Seriously? I put in all this effort to   cease consuming Doritos  get my ass down here and you can't be bothered to show up to your teaching post? Not even call? Just let the room full of us sit there like assholes, waiting, wishing?

Puts the "LAY" in Frito-Lay?

See, the Doritos appear to be the better choice. Or, at the very least, the most INTERESTING choice.

So, fine. Not to be discouraged,   though all it takes is one instance of bullshit to make me want to throw my hands in the air, sulk like a victim and never return   I head back to yoga. To find out that it has been indefinitely cancelled. SERIOUSLY?? (See people, this is why this blog is named the way it is).

Fine, f*ck you skinny yoga beeyotch.

I'll try Zumba. I tried a fitness studio elsewhere, in another town, with KICKASS Zumba results.

Back in my hometown, after eating a few bags of Twizzlers, I decided to brush the cobwebs off my gym membership card. And try Zumba once more.

Oh lordy.

My assumption was that you had to have rhythm to instruct these classes. You know, at least keep to the beat. I know, I am so fucking demanding, aren't I?

The instructor couldn't even dance. Hear that? COULDN'T.EVEN.DANCE.  Everyone around me was named Mae, and Ethel, and Myrtle. (No, not the turtle). Fuck. Really? Seriously?

Thought I would give another instructor a chance. Got on my gear. Went to the gym. Waited for Zumba class to start. No instructor showed. No call. Nothing. Front desk staff said they had no idea what was going on.



I'm  expanding because of it  lovin' it. Goddamn dollar drink days.

I'm going to McDonald's to get a large Coke. I'm pretty sure the 82 grams of sugar will make me feel better. And help wash down these Doritos.

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  1. I've been taking kick-boxing for about a year and I love it.. It's a bitch of a workout and I'm sure my instructor is sick and tired of me calling her names (actually, I think it amuses her) but I like it because I feel like I'm learning to do something fun, not just exercising for the sake of exercising, which I hate doing. Dance classes seem the same. I won't go to zumba because it's too fucking trendy. /insufferablehipster

  2. Hey look on the bright side here, at least you have someone to get into shape for. I could have the body of a greek god and women still wouldn't want this.

  3. Who's the hot chick in the chair? It could be worse, you could be washing it all down with an ice cold beer or 12.

  4. I have a pathological fear of yoga, so you are much braver than me.

    I will occasionally go running. I just pretend I am being chased by a demon who will never allow me to eat sweets again if it catches me.

    Yeah. Motivation is hard.

  5. @Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. - Yeah, the kickboxing class is on my list, too. Did it about 3 years ago before getting really sick and it was a good workout. Love, love, love "/insufferablehipster".

    Zumba is great because I love to dance. It is a lot of fun and gets you in touch with all that jiggles. :-)

    @Oilfield Trash - I need to really do it for me, honestly. And... uh... HELLO, are you not ALREADY a Greek God? That is what I thought...

    @George - I'm not sure, but that slapping shit would bruise my tender skin. lol. What about Smirnoff Ice coolers? Waaaay more sugar in THAT shit!

  6. No I am not a greek god when it comes to the body. Sadly I have gotten tons of fan mail from women due to my writing and personality online (which is the same in person) yet women don't look this way in person. It is sad that the women of the world only look on the outside (ie body, car, home, wallet, etc).

  7. Steph...I miss your face!

    OT - I think you're hot, no matter what all those other no-taste-having bitches think!

  8. @ Vicki, thank you very much. I had no idea you followed my blog until today.

  9. So sorry that you are having crap luck with Zumba classes. I found a great gym that offers it and can't get enough. Don't give up...there has a be a good one somewhere close by.

  10. i don't exercise in public because every other fucking person in the gym is skinny. like, seriously. where do the big girls go to lose weight? that's right, we hide in our own homes. i spend $870 on a new elliptical machine two weeks ago that i've been on for 11 minutes. and not at once, that was in two workouts.

    i have done yoga at home on my own. big girl yoga. i wouldn't mind doing yoga in a class setting, but you know. skinny people will be everywhere. i might be in danger of losing an eye to some bitch's elbow.

  11. I considered hiring a personal trainer but then I realized that he wasn't going to work out FOR me but just tell me what to do. How fucking rude!

  12. Well done. Get yo ass in the gym and get that thing lookin' good beeotch!

  13. @Oilfield Trash - It sounds like a brutal cliche, but those that will dismiss you immediately because of thsoe factors aren't worth a second of your time.

    Feyonce and I talked online for over a year before we met. Yes, appearance can invite instant attraction, but it IS the substance that matters the most. We're all gonna be old and saggy one day... then what? You have to be able to laugh and value each other. The superficialness doesn't go far. {hugs}

    @vickilikesfrogs - Miss you tooooooooo! It's been too long!

    @Jewels - I know... I will try a few different time slots to see if the other instructors are any better... if not, another studio (and few hundred $$$) it is...

  14. @steph gas - You might think I am an asshole, but I always look around the room and feel angry and jealous at the skinny or super-fit girls in the class.

    I have the most respect for the bigger girls with the courage and strength to join the intimidating classes, who bust their ass and don't give a f*ck what the skinny bitches are thinking.

    Keep up with the elliptical! I grew to hate it, but it's WAAAAAAAAAY better than running. Have you tried Zumba? There's a shit ton of videos on youtube.

    @Katsidhe - I know, it's the worst form of false advertising EVAR. And from what I hear, it doesn't take much to be a personal trainer. So... to be fit, just BE a personal trainer, and tell everyone else what to do!

    @Anonymous PL - Yeah, yeah, I know, I`m tryin`. But snail-pace Zumba is not helping. Neither are the nachos I had for dinner. ;P

  15. Heh! Those mats are a mind fuck, aren't they -- I swear, I burn extra calories just imagining the fungus I might get from them. Despite the extra calorie burn public mats provide, I am all about cheesy exercise videos in the privacy of my own home.


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