I Lied To You!

I bet you all just thought I was being "lazy", perhaps "spending time with family" over the "holidays" and neglecting my blogging duties as a result. You would actually be right, BUT, I lied to you in that I was doing it all from the Caribbean.

Today was the trip home. So, don't be mad I didn't share that with y'all, since I figured you would probably want to break into my house and steal my TV that doesn't even have an input-plug-thingie for a DVD player (that's right, bitches, no PVR, no game system, no DVD, hell... no VCR! Don't be hatin').

Just kidding. You're not really bitches.

On the other hand, place me on two flights, being awake for 25 hours straight, with an overwhelmingly allergic reaction to Red Lane Spa "shampoo" (I seriously think it was floor cleaner in the bottle, my scalp is shedding in ways no human should dander...), in an airport with a bunch of loud French-speaking Canadians (yes, I am Canadian, btw), then a kid kicking my airplane seat for an hour, and you have got yourself one SERIOUSLY miserable bitch.

No wait, they're just REALLY fucking loud and don't care. Asshats. I think they thought they were at a party? Easy to get that confused in a massive, echo-y airport. My bad.

But, I love you all so much that I wanted to get that all out and post before you all thought I was dead or had forgotten about this blog.

I tried to sleep here. I FAILED miserably. Thanks airport noises and LOUD people!

I haven't called my Grandma to thank her for the salad bowl for Christmas. I haven't sent messages to all of my wonderful friends who actually remembered me this year and sent Christmas cards (thereby also not apologizing for my being distracted/busy/overwhelmed and not sending out Christmas cards this year to anyone but the few, the proud, the  Marines  immediate family).

So while I've been absent, I hope to recall enough from my drunken haze of the last eight days or so to recount (with fervor and snarkiness matched by no one) the good, the bad, the ugly and the humorous from my experiences over the next few posts.


I mean, with gems like the one below, how could you NOT look forward to this?

 

HAPPY 2011 EVERYONE!

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Drunk Blogging?

Okay, so Allie Brosh has done it in the past, with such gems as "douch bad" and an endless soliloquy to burritos and fighter jets.

I, on the other hand, have had an entire bottle of sparkling wine, and then some. I am also using someone else's laptop (whose buttons are in weird spots compared to those I am used to - seriously, you have no idea how much I have back-spaced up until now, considering the low word count), and I am tacked on to someone else's internet.

I am also supposed to be getting dressed up to go out to dinner. I am hugely unsuccessful on that account, as well.

So basically, I am saying that I am failing at everything I am attempting right now, including drunk blogging, and that I have nothing to offer you.

No worries, you are wrlecoe. I mean... welcome. No,. seriously.

A part of me wants to not correct my spelling and grammar, but the A-personality deep down inside of me is completely distracted by my still-able capacity to find the <- Bk Sp button.

Okay, seriously now, BF is out of the shower and wondering what kind of trouble I am up to... and it is getting increasingly harder to type properly and/or find the proper deleting jeys. O I mean keys.

So.... I feel bad I haven't made my comments in my blogging rounds. My message to you all is that I hope you are having/did have/will have good holuidays, (see, spelling mistake, but I ddnt' backspace yay me, and there is another one in there! )... and a very happy new year.

Or at least a very drunk new years. It's the best I can offer. (or "ovver" if I didn't backspace).

Missing you all and hoping you are all having fun.

I suck at drunk blogging.

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The Joy of Air Travel

First off...

What  motherfucker  asshat  sadist  person invented the standard domestic aeroplane seat? I beg you for the answer (What??!? YES, I AM too lazy to google it. Plus there is probably more than one motherfucker  asshat  sadist inventor).

I mean:

Approximation of me in a seated position. Yes, my posture needs work, shaaaadddap.

While I do not boast to have perfect posture, this is the general idea of my body shape while seated. Now place what you see above into an airline seat:

Headrest, why do you angle out? Why? WHY GODDAMMIT?!??!

Astute readers will see that my smile has been turned into a frown. My already poor neck posture has now been forced to jut forward in an uncomfortable forced-forward positioning. I am roughly 5'-7.5". Yes I said roughly, and measured to a half inch. Enough sass out of you, okay? I always have this weird hollow space where it seems like there should be some kind of neck support, or at least a headrest that is not trying to force my face into business class (although, that would mean my mouth could maybe get some mimosas or free Pringles, so maybe I am going about this all wrong...).

And before you say it, NO, those stupid travel pillows do nothing to help my tyrannosaurus-like neck and posture. They simply induce more rage.

Moving on...

Things get even more enjoyable when you factor in the inevitable:

The douche in front of me: The untold story of Stephanie C.

I always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS get someone in front of me who irritates the piss out of me. As soon as they sit down, I feel the crush into my knees as their butt pushes the seat into me. I try to re-position myself, but my neck position still leaves me somewhere between "Christ this really feels awkward" to "If I don't get off this mothereffin' plane in 5 mothereffin' minutes, I am going to have to hog tie the person in front of me to the bathroom door hinges, then run laps up and down the aisles to shed some of this crazy off of me". (Hey, at least I gave you a range).

Now... have I mentioned what always occurs? What is the ultimate catalyst to my ever-pissy state during a flight? Can you guess? Yes? No? Too bad. It's this:

You may notice his over-sized shit-eating grin. And my immediate claustrophobia kicking into to DEF CON 8.

The person in front of me fully reclines their seat back, without fail. I've been on the shit end of this stick about 98% of the time. The other 2% you ask? Ahhh, that was the last flight back from Winnipeg when I was lucky enough to get an exit row seat WITH NO SEAT IN FRONT OF ME. Christmas indeed came early for me.

To everyone out there: Don't be an a-hole. How much would you like the seat in front of you being an inch from your face? I don't care if the person in front of you is doing it. It doesn't mean we have to create an asshole domino effect. I FUCKING HATE IT, and my guess is that about 99% of the general population also does.

The best part? When it happened to me this Friday, while trying to sleep with my head propped in my lap (because the neck thing was just too awkward), and the fucker in front of me bashed me in the head. Apparently, upon his first three attempts to recline his seat, he did not push the button, he just tried pushing the seat back like a bloody Lay-Z-Boy recliner.

Upon attempt #4, not only did he successfully decipher the secret-reclining code of pushing the release button, but he also used his full body-force to throw his seat back.
Directly into my head.
With full force.
And complete contact.

I lifted my head and slammed his headrest with my hands out of sheer rage. He didn't even notice.

I should have pulled my head back faster when I could feel him unsuccessfully rocking to and fro in his seat. I distantly anticipated what was coming, but was just drowsy enough not to escape the brain adjustment he so kindly dispensed in his need to recline.

Want to take a short, terrifying peek into approximately 45 seconds of my life while on a plane? Air Canada and Westjet, I'm looking at you. (Also? Too bad, I'm sharing it anyway):

This is your brain on drugs during intense air-rage-claustrophobia with an asshole in front of you and no room to breathe. [May or may not include exaggeration for blogging purposes]

"Please ensure your tray and seatback are in their upright and locked position" during take-off and landing FOR THE WHOLE FLIGHT, please. And imagine that in French, for a second, more irritating reinforcement.

I once had a guy recline his seat all the way back, just to lean forward and sleep on his tray table. For the WHOLE 4.5 hour flight. There was a short woman behind me who was easily over 300 lbs, who was terribly, uncomfortably squished into her own seat all on her own... so her knees were already digging into my seat back (though I stayed upright the entire flight). A bonus? My headset didn't work and my MP3 player was dead, so I got to sit like an accordion, bored out of my mind and too cramped to read for 4.5 hours.



Merry Christmas / Happy Holidays / Generic Applicable Greeting For Upcoming Celebrations Too Lengthy To List Individually, and I truly hope your flying experiences are better than mine. Or that at least one of us gets lounge access first to drink the pain away.


So who designed that damn head rest anyway?

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