Sunday, January 2, 2011

I Lied To You!

I bet you all just thought I was being "lazy", perhaps "spending time with family" over the "holidays" and neglecting my blogging duties as a result. You would actually be right, BUT, I lied to you in that I was doing it all from the Caribbean.

Today was the trip home. So, don't be mad I didn't share that with y'all, since I figured you would probably want to break into my house and steal my TV that doesn't even have an input-plug-thingie for a DVD player (that's right, bitches, no PVR, no game system, no DVD, hell... no VCR! Don't be hatin').

Just kidding. You're not really bitches.

On the other hand, place me on two flights, being awake for 25 hours straight, with an overwhelmingly allergic reaction to Red Lane Spa "shampoo" (I seriously think it was floor cleaner in the bottle, my scalp is shedding in ways no human should dander...), in an airport with a bunch of loud French-speaking Canadians (yes, I am Canadian, btw), then a kid kicking my airplane seat for an hour, and you have got yourself one SERIOUSLY miserable bitch.

No wait, they're just REALLY fucking loud and don't care. Asshats. I think they thought they were at a party? Easy to get that confused in a massive, echo-y airport. My bad.

But, I love you all so much that I wanted to get that all out and post before you all thought I was dead or had forgotten about this blog.

I tried to sleep here. I FAILED miserably. Thanks airport noises and LOUD people!

I haven't called my Grandma to thank her for the salad bowl for Christmas. I haven't sent messages to all of my wonderful friends who actually remembered me this year and sent Christmas cards (thereby also not apologizing for my being distracted/busy/overwhelmed and not sending out Christmas cards this year to anyone but the few, the proud, the  Marines  immediate family).

So while I've been absent, I hope to recall enough from my drunken haze of the last eight days or so to recount (with fervor and snarkiness matched by no one) the good, the bad, the ugly and the humorous from my experiences over the next few posts.

I mean, with gems like the one below, how could you NOT look forward to this?


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  1. I would so totally hang out at an airport and sleep beside you on a bench. Cuz I'm your friend, that's why!

  2. *vickilikesfrogs - i think you wouldn't much like me afterwards, if you were truly subjected to it. And I wouldn't be sleeping, I'd be bitching about how I couldn't sleep. Then I would whine about being hungry and tired. And curse loud people. And you would want to leave... but you would be stuck there, like some kind of hellish airport limbo for eternity, but... with more dandruff.

  3. So, the flight back was better then?

  4. you should have that shampoo tested - did you bring back some for the independent lab? and also, kid kicking your seat - you're nicer than i am! i would've turned around & let the parent/guardian traveling w/ said child have it. well, politely. the first time. ; )
    glad you made it back safely!!

  5. Nope, cuz you and I would find a million things to laugh at, and we'd be all snarky and mean to the loud people, and we'd both be the happiest damn bitches in the WHOLE. FRIGGIN'. PLACE.

  6. I'd make you laugh.

    And if I didn't I'd laugh at you! And then I'd duck or run real fast! And I might laugh at you anyway because while you were awake for 25 hours straight I was in Ontario, drinking, partying, and when not doing the former I was riding my motorcycle. And nothing in life is as good as riding my motorcycle! Nothing! Not even sex!

    Seriously, really Seriously: I'm real glad you are back!

  7. wow what a flight and hope you have a great 2011

  8. *George - har har. The joy of air travel was to Winnipeg the weekend before. The trip down was okay, but coming back was... just... rage-y.

    *carmar76 - independent lab... good idea... perhaps I could sue the resort for all they are worth for putting drain cleaner in the free showers. Bastards. Same for the rotten kids.

    *vickilikesfrogs - you make a good point. Maybe the problem wasn't the travel, but BF's distance and un-blog-like mockiness of things. I'm bringing you next time. ;-)

    *V-Tom - oh, you'd better duck fast, mister. Also? I need a bike, it seems! Wish I could say I am glad to be back, but I am not. Reality bites.

    *becca - thanks becca... same to you. Here's to a better, brighter, healthier 2011!

  9. omg, i was up for 25 hours over my break too!!!!!! and lack of sleep + travel + airports = panic. and panic = crankiness.
    also? that pic of you in the water is hilaaaaaaarious. :D

  10. Stephanie: yup the worst part of any vacation is coming home! And Yes, you should get a bike! We have a friend in common that is quite the rider. I am sure she would give you lots of great advice!


  11. So glad you left your link for me on Twitter! This made me laugh. 25 hours of being awake??? I only see that kind of stuff on Intervention. I'm going to take a nap for you.

  12. ...That large group were the French-Canadians? o_O"

    Did you have much trouble due to the weather forecasts? I know that over here in Europe, quite a number of airports and train stations went through hell just to be able to have flights and trains transport passengers...

    Still, you were due for a nice vacation! Where did you go exactly? For me, "Caribbean" is a bit vague.

    -Barb the French Bean

  13. *jess - i feel your 25 awakeness/panic/cranky pain and look forward to your blog posts. Also? You are the only other person who seemed to enjoy my bodybuilding-esque hamming it up for the ole camera. ;-) Good eye!

    *V-Tom - coming home with a wretched layover, self-induced. More on that to come. New post tonight. And, I would totally kill myself on a bike. Without question. While going 20 km/hr. On the sidewalk.

    *Kelley - why thank ye for stopping by and commenting. I sincerely appreciate the napping on my behalf. The world needs more folks like you out there! ;-)
    (I could use an intervention when it comes to chocolate, though, as an aside).

    *Barb the French Bean - they were the largest group at 3am in the airport. Don't worry, there are tons more that were not pictured. Mainly living in Quebec. lol. The weather was actually cool in Jamaica, the entire eastern Caribbean coast was hit with unseasonably cold weather. But Ottawa and Toronto were fine. No delays or anything.


I get far too excited when new comments come in here...