Tuesday, January 11, 2011

F-cked Up Letters

Click HERE to View Round One



Just because you got rear-ended (resulting in whiplash) while stopped at a stoplight in 2010, it does not mean that EVERY.SINGLE.CAR that appears to be fast approaching behind you will also rear end you. You have been driving in fear of this for 8.5 months. I saw you cringe last night at a stoplight again. You need to get the fuck over it and realize it took 14 years of driving for it to happen to you once! Jaysus! Lighten up already.


Dear Tiny Itty Bitty Little Piece of Soap Left In The Shower,

I respect your work ethic. You seriously are giving it your all until the very end. And yours is a thankless job; I care not to know all of the things you have seen in your working life.

My skin crawls at the site of some of that beige "soap"...

That being said, I cannot ignore the panic and uneasiness that settles upon me when I attempt to wash my butt and/or buttcrack region, and you disappear. I know, I know, Dove Sensitive Skin that you match the (sometimes) white of the bathtub, but seriously... where did you go? WHERE did you disappear to? Is there dislodging I should be commencing? SERIOUSLY WHERE the fuck DID YOU GO? And now, how am I supposed to finish showering? You know I am not foolish enough to use BF's acid soap (Ivory... 99% pure...  lye, people!).

Just hang in there until I unceremoniously toss you into the garbage can, and prepare for the next showering experience with a new bar. No one wants to get lost in my nether regions. Except maybe Adam Levine. That would be okay.


I will never resort to this for soap shards. BF already thinks I have too much crap in the shower, anyway. (Sidenote: I hope no one googles "crap in the shower" and finds my blog. They will be disappointed)

Dear Adam Levine,

Hello there, Adam Levine. How yoooooou doooin'?

You are on my "free pass" list. (In fact, you are the only one I can think of right now. Maybe Sidney Crosby, but only the grown up version. I digress [EDIT: My friend A.P. reminded me indirectly that Bradley Cooper is also on that list. Just want to be clear]). You have an open invitation to get lost in my nether regions. BF hates you for that reason, but for that reason I also hate Jessica Alba. Please come up with better Tweets because you are losing some of your sex appeal. Pull a Britney and have a staffer do it for you. Please. Also? I cannot get the song "Misery" out of my head. Usually in the shower. Often after I 'misplace' the soap.

Dreamily Yours,

p.s. Don't forget about my nether regions.

[Edit, Youtube Vid Below]

Dear Clearance Watch That Ticks Ever-So-Loudly,

I purchased you because, in truth, you were cheaper to buy than the cost to replace the battery in my faithful and trusty Mary Kate and Ashley model. Why must you tick so loudly? Like, super loud? If I am wearing you while I put earrings in, I think you may cause my sensitive eardrums to burst. Please be quiet. But don't die in doing so, because the cost to replace your battery will be more than you are worth.

Also? Thanks for being so damn loose. Your packaging hid that feature well and you were final sale. You are also not worth paying to have links removed. I know fear the jeweler would laugh me out of the store. But your blue face is pretty. That is all.


Dear $2 Impulse-Buy Bag of Peanuts,

Stop being so damn irresistible. I didn't even know I liked peanuts, but I was hungry. I don't think I do like peanuts. You make me feel super-dee-duper nauseous, but your salty-meatiness is irresistible. You are loaded with fat and salt and are satisfying, probably moreso than Adam Levine would be (I'm only guessing, he will have to probably prove himself otherwise).

You are adding to my weight gain and I have no restraint. Damn you peanuts.

In Good Health,

"Righty-o, mates, here to plump up your bottom with my greasy, salty nuts. Off to work now, cheerio."Cocky bastard, isn't he?

_____________________________ Pin It Now!


  1. Why are you putting soap in your butt?

  2. @George - Why not? Good excuse to rub around in there. HA!

  3. @Oilfield Trash - I love you, even if you are exaggerating. ;-) I aim to induce giggles... either with me, or at me!

  4. I see the common threads in these comments:

    -Getting rear ended
    -losing soap.. where?
    -Adam Levine
    -Found a peanut

    Butt how does the watch fit in?


  5. i bought an $11 bag of pistachios. they're expensive. it's only like a pound. ugh. and they're salt and pepper pistachios. i was like, oh, that sounds interesting. i wonder what they're like.


    that's what they're like. and peppery. my lips burned after i ate a third of the bag.

    which is OBVIOUSLY what they were going for. at least that way i can't eat the entire bag at once. but even so, i ingested 142% of my daily fat requirement just on the pistachios. sigh.

  6. love the letter about Adam and seriously can the picture be any hotter

  7. I just thought of something.

    If you say Adam Levine's name enough, maybe your blog will come up in the first page of results on Google. And if he ever for some reason Googled his own name, he'd find your blog, and be all "this chick wants me, I gotta get to Canada". And then your fantasies would come true.

    You're welcome.

  8. you need to use liquid soap. as your friend, i feel i need to stage a bar soap intervention. when i first met roberto he used bar soap and he would NOT. LISTEN. TO. ME. about how much better liquid soap is. not getting lost in your butt aside, it's just, like, better :D i think you should try it, then blog about it. ivory body wash. do it.

  9. Haha, awesome... you could direct that first letter to me as well. I was also rear-ended, pushing me into the car in front of me. Mucho damage to both my vehicle and the one in front of me. Except mine was in late 2009 it's been MORE than a year.

    Yet I am still tense up a bit when traffic slows down quickly - keeping a close eye on that guy behind me picking his nose.


  10. @V-Tom - Guess why the watch was on clearance?... Just kidding.

    @steph gas - You enjoy the shit outta those pistachios. You know, I saw plain pistachios as an option, but went with the peanuts because they were cheaper and required less work.

    I like the pepper concept! That's the only thing that would keep me from wating the entire bag at once.

    @becca - Only if his smokin' ass was actually on fire!

    @Sarah Elizabeth - I like the way you think, girl. Not only are you smart, but BRILLIANT, because you know that Adam Levine totally googles Adam Levine. And how could he resist my banana guns photo? YES!!

    But his name, Adam Levine, needs to show up some more.
    Seriously??... Reeeally?..... Seriously?

  11. @jess - NO WAY JOSE! First of all, IVORY is the devil. My sensitive skin burns to ashes with that stuff (okay, except for maybe my armpits, they're tough shizz). And liquid... travels... nevermind.

    If you can find me a Dove sensitive skin version that is alcohol-free, I'll consider it. But probably not really. :-)

    @Simple Dude - It sucks, doesn't it? And they say the worst thing to do IS tense up if you are going to get hit. Um, human nature, I don't have one of those black and yellow dummy tattoos on my forehead (but then again... maybe I should...)

    And the person is often picking their nose and texting or talking on their cell. Laws be damned.

  12. Love that picture of Adam Levine! I have no idea who Adam Levine is, but now I think I really should like to know. Adam Levine! (Just trying to help the cause...LOL)

    Also, the soap letter? Hilarious! And slightly scary. But in a good way. I haven't used bar soap other than at a hotel in ages. Now I remember why...

  13. My BF once got a piece of soap lodged in his shaft. Which was, apparently, excruciatingly painful! Why don't you just stick the little piece of old soap to the new soap bar? It'll meld in after a couple of washes. Or if you're feeling a little pyro, melt them together with a lighter.

  14. The idea that you used for this post is great. "Dear (something that usually does not talk back)..." Followed by funny stuff. Very clever. Thanks for the concept. If I ever steal it (I'm thinking of doing so), I'll give you credit.

    @bekkitae How the HELL did he do THAT?

    Rick's Blog

  15. @carmar76 - You are awesomeness for understanding the plight of Adam Levine, and understanding the hotness that The Levine is the owner of.

    Am I really that out of touch with using bar soap?

    @bekkitae - Hi there! Welcome to the blog and thanks for commenting... I have to admit at first I read your name as "bukkake" but I didn't have my glasses on. If you don't know what that means do not look it up.

    And holy hell, how did he do that? I would BET that hurt! I would totally meld it with another bar if I remembered BEFORE I got in the shower (I never do). And I would totally kill us all if I used a lighter - for anything!

    @Richard G. Crockett - To be honest, I borrowed the concept, like in my first round, here, from Allie Brosh and Barb the French Bean. Check out that one, too!

  16. I got rear-ended a couple months ago, and I'm still cringing when I come to a stoplight and someone pulls up behind me.

    I liked this post. I mean, I like the other ones too, but I mean I like this idea. Do more!


  17. @Jeff - Between you and SimpleDude, I am feeling more normal about the cringing. I think BF thinks I am being semi-ridiculous.

    This post seems to be enjoyed more than my long-er, rambling-ier posts. I shall draft another, sir.

  18. Okay, I got a little light-headed at the Adam Levine picture and had a really hard time reading the rest of the blog...I have the video for "This Love" on my computer, but I didn't know he was THAT sexy!!

    hed www.hedabovewater.com

  19. @hed - I know, I should have put a warning above it, recommending ladies and gents sit down, take deep breaths, and have some cool water handy. Adam Levine will setcha on fire!


    Check out the Maroon 5 "Misery" video on youtube (Full Disclosure: He isn't naked in it, but it would be better if he was. Well, unless Adam Levine's junk starting flying everyhwere...)

  20. those stupid little soap shits make me mad. i use a washcloth instead of direct soap contact(no soap getting lost up in my business). but i need like mega scrubbing bubbles on my washcloth and if it's not there, i basically rub my skin off until i look like a 3rd degree burn victim.

    wtf is that blue shower thing??

  21. My letter to Adam would go like this:

    Dear Adam,

    Nom Nom nomnomnomnom Nomnom nom NOM!!

  22. @You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... - We used up all of our washclothes as drool-catching rags for the Great Dane (wish I was lying)! I'm too lazy, so BF and I have our own soaps. That blue thing kept popping up when I googled "soap sliver" for images... apparently you dump them all in there and rub the net between your hands to make bubbles. I think Adam Levine would laugh at me when we shower together if he was saw that!

    @Brandy Rose - Once more, someone more articulate than me! I love your letter to Adam Levine! Simple, but to the point. Welcome to the blog and thanks for commenting!

  23. I bought vanilla cookies today because they were calling my name from the vending machine damn it. I feel your peanut pain.

  24. Are you women serious about losing the soap? Does it really happen that often? If so it would explain some thing that happened in past relationships.


  25. @ Richard - I have no idea. This was before my time, and I was too gobsmacked by the mental picture to that answer to my "So what's with your phobia of soap bars? Did you have a bad experience in jail? Oh my GOD... HAVE you been to jail? Was it for small white collar crimes, or did you kidnap and murder an elephant?"

  26. Also, @Steph...
    Cheers for the welcome;
    As above for "I have NFI how BF did that";
    And... I did, naturally, google "bukkake". Which has resulted in (a) being extremely mad at the friend who gave me the nickname, and (b) wondering if I should change my google account TO bukkake, and alter my new blog to suit. We all know p0rn sites have the greatest fan clubs.

    On a random sidenote, being new to this whole bloggin' thing... any ideas if there's an option to reply to comments vs. comment directly on the blog (like The Bloggess' site). Or you know, I'll just google it.

  27. I love this! And the shards of soap in the shower...please! I'm scared to go in my shower now! I'm notorious for those little stock piling those!
    You are so funny Stephanie, I love coming to visit you!

  28. @Mrs. Tuna - I hope your vanilla cookies didn't do to you what the abundance of peanuts in my system did to me. BAD NEWS. Thanks for visiting the blog and commenting!

    @V-Tom - Not sure if I should or should not ruin the illusion for you... (It's good to keep you guys guessing).

    @bekkitae - Noooooooo! You weren't supposed to google... I meant not to inflict images that would require brain bleach. I wonder if someone will google bukkake and be sorely disappointed in this blog.

    Also - about the reply to comments individually - I have not the slightest clue. Even basic functional things like "reactions" don't work on Blogger for me. Seems wordpress allows the option, but not Blogger.

    I’ve mentioned before how I hate Blogger. Let me know if you find anything good out!

  29. @Sandra - Most importantly, do you love Adam Levine? I love it when you visit me, so it all balances out! Soap shards should be outlawed, I've decided it.

    Now to convince the goverment bodies...

  30. @bekkitae: Like Steph, my brain saw "bukkake" as your name. I love porn, but came across bukkake(no pun intended) late last year and honestly can't see the atraction. I guess it is a case of different strokes!

  31. The letter about the soap was GENIOUS! Too funny. I needed it...kind of snowed in today. Blessings, Joanne

  32. i think i wondererered ovvererer from oil field's blog thru commnets, but i am not sure.

    funny stuff.

    try liquid soap, the bottle is not quite as tricky when it is empty as one of thoses soap scraps....

    bruce johnson jadip
    stupid stuff i see and hear
    Bruce’s guy book
    the guy book
    Dreamodel Guy

  33. @V-Tom - lol at "different strokes", but let's not mention p0rn too much or I will start getting trolled/spammed. Oh... and we might offend peeps. lol.

    @Joanne - You can never be too careful with those crafty, susdy little cleansing splinters! Have a great day and stay warm!

    @bruce - Welcome to the blog and thanks for commenting! As I told jess, I fear alcohol and other chemicals in the liquid stuff. I suppose I can make just about ANYTHING dangeous to myself, including any and all forms of soap!

  34. @StephanieC: can you edit comments? The but*** comments will more likely generate traffic (of the wrong kind) than would the p0rn. There is lot

  35. @V-Tom - Nope, can't edit comments. It's all good in the end. In truth, I wish I had started this blog in Wordpress because I think it is much more user friendly than Blogger. Boooo to Blogger.

  36. This is what I get for not subscribing to your blog as soon as I discovered it...I discover a fascinating conversation about soap bits and Adam Levine (who I also had no idea was, but damn is he HOT). The stack of soap bits in my shower is beginning to scare me....I was thinking of breaking out the double boiler and melting them all together and then using a paper towel tube as a mold for when it was all melty, and then I would have a cylinder of new/used soap. But that's a lot of work. Probably won't happen, but I totally COULD do it.

  37. @Angie - I always strive to provide Adam Levine hotness. Okay, not really. Not until this post. I just redesigned the site and hope it doesn't suck. Double boiler? You are waaaaay beyond my skills, girl. I'm not even sure what that is. *Bows down to melting and/or kitchen prowess*


I get far too excited when new comments come in here...