Friday, January 28, 2011

Stress = Shopping

I am tempted to state "the title says it all" and then just publish the post.

However, I have been away from the blog longer than usual (though never too far from the laptop, which doesn't really make any sense). So I should probably elaborate. Please don't fall asleep.

I've been pondering some major life decisions. Crippling anxiety has assisted me in my decision making by helping me:
  • Become insomniatic (I made that word up, shut up, I mean that I can't sleep)
  • Feel the need to scour every Groupon, Wagjag, TeamBuy and Red Flag Deal available to all human kind (these sites offer deeeeep discounts on all kinds of things like spa treatments to Booster Juice to dancing with the "stars" day classes).
  • Feel the need to PURCHASE the abovementioned deals. ALL OF THEM.
  • Head to the department store to distract myself by spending TOO MUCH MONEY on jeans and a wicked-ass pair of boots. Plus? If I keep eating, the jeans probably won't fit me for much longer. (I'd like to say that is motivation to keep things in check, but who do I think I'm kidding)?

I fell for the old " up to"   70% off PLUS an additional 40% off at The Bay.

Why not just mark the shit down once, The Bay? Why make me do so much math? It hurts my feeble brain.

The problem is that this store NEVER has the correct tag showing the correct price, and they often have a bunch of crap that is NOT on sale on the sales racks.

So cashier guy rings in a pair of dark blue Mom jeans for me, and they come up $55.

I was like.. "Uh,... those were in with the clearance jeans, but they aren't on sale?"

Cashier Dude:  No, m'aam, unfortunately they are not. (M'aam? WHAT.THE.FUCK, do I look 60 to you?)

Me:  Oh.. okay, well then I will pass on those ones.

Cashier Dude:  *gives me stink eye, folds jeans and keeps them in my purchased pile*.

Me:  Um, no thanks, I don't want to get those ones. I thought they were on sale because there were a ton of them in with the other clearance items.

Cashier Dude::  Well, unfortunately someone must have put them in there, because they are not on sale. *looks at me disapprovingly. rolls eyes*

 Cashier Dude: *waits to void those jeans until the end of the transaction, making me all squeamish and worried that he will forget to do it*

Cashier Dude:  Only items with red CLEARANCE stickers are on clearance *rolls eyes at me again, assesses me at mental capacity level of 4 year old*

Me:  *thinks "what the hell is his problem, it's not like their his jeans to sell.. Jaysus.."* 

I wanted to smack him and say, listen buddy, even my BF (Boyfriend for new readers) knows that The Bay never has their shit together and the prices are always wrong, sometimes higher, sometimes WAY lower, often on sale when they aren't tagged as such. Fuck.

So now, I get to force to a fashion show of jeans that I am not sure that I like, but were generally priced REALLY cheap for a store with big name brands. We all know how I *ahem* shop for quality, not quantity or price.

Right. Great.

I even bought Jessica Simpson "jeggings". I can't believe I am admitting this. I don't want to let the skinny jean thing go... I want to hang on until my muffin top and ass completely refuse to be smushed into anything "skinny". (I'm eating more and rapidly gaining weight, y'all).

For those days when you're thinking "my ladybits aren't constricted enough... I need more discomfort..."

I'm going to count how many pairs of jeans I bought in two trips to the store this week. Wait a second....

And we know I am totally returning most, if not all, of them. And I HATE RETURNING STUFF! Why do I do this to myself? Is anyone out there (besides my mom) as neurotic as me when it comes to shopping like this? There has to be a Freudian reason.

And to "boot", I bought these bad ass babies to go over my skinny jeans. I am clinging to this like a one-armed, legless man hanging from a fire escape ladder.

*shudder* *blissful, guilty, ahhhmahhgaahd boot shudder*
[EDIT: I showed these not-quite-over-the-knee boots to BF, and told him to tell me he thought they were great, even if he didn't really think so. His response? 
"Are they supposed to be that tall, or are they designed for someone who is 6'-1?"

See? That's normal height. Not intended for Amazonian women only, BF!

Pin It Now!


  1. Retail therapy sometimes helps me temporarily forget my depression.

  2. @Oilfield Trash - I KNOW! But then do you get buyer's remorse afterward and want to take stuff back? Or do guys just figure "MEH." and keep it?

  3. I love shopping, and I would tell them that they need to give me the discounted price cause they are in the wrong spot and if they don't then I need to talk to a manager... sorry, i got carried away.

  4. I absolutely hate shopping, but LOVE those boots! The Bay never seems to have their shit together. The last time I went there, there was a long line just to get to the cashier (big sale). I gave up and left....

  5. @AmberLaShell - Would you really? It didn't have the red sticker, so technically they didn't meet the fine print in the sale flyer... so I wouldn't think they would do anything about it. Besides, I probably would have returned them anyway. lol.

    I need to grow a pair!

  6. @On My Soapbox - I usually am only in the mood to shop if I am really down or stressed out. The line-ups were long, but after trying on all those jeans, there was no way I was leaving.

    And thanks about the boots! I think they're hot. BF does not concur.

  7. There are stores in my neck of the woods that advertise a sale practically every single week. There are sale signs all over the store but lo and behold, there is almost never a single gawd foresaken item actually on sale that I'm interested in purchasing. It irks the holy freaking bejeezers out of me as do douche bitch sales clerks like that one you had to deal with.
    Beautiful boots by the way!

  8. @The Empress - I hate those pre-printed "everything must go" signs that hang for months. I mean, if they were that desperate, they wouldn't have gone to the trouble of designing, ordering, paying and waiting for a friggin' sign.

    And douche bitch sales clerk is a perfect term. I will be including that in my vocabulary from here forward. ;-)

  9. Boots=awesome. Is all I have to say.

  10. @Chris - YAY! I hope you really mean it, otherwise I spent a lot on ugly boots and people will laugh at me (besides BF). ;-)

  11. Glad some one likes buying jeans. I wish I did then I wouldnt be praying the comfy ones I have would last another season lol.
    The boots are awesome too

  12. I've always wondered why you can get skinny jeans in a size 18.

  13. I have gotten buyers remorse, but it was on a $2000 guitar that wasn't all that it seemed when I bought it, so I took it back.
    I would ask the same question the BF asked, those look really tall. Of course if you're wearing some sexy lingerie...... Where was I? I think they look kinda tall too.

  14. @Mynx - I actually kind of hate it, and I am so indecisive that I buy a bunch and wait to get some unfortunate soul's opinion on them (usually BF). The ones I kinda thought were flattering are usually not, the ones I don't like as much usually look better... so I don't trust my own judgement anymore. Except for the boots. Maybe.

    Hope your jeans last you another season!!

    @Moooooog35 - Haha, well, I guess it refers to the tiny leg holes. I think I am nearing the cut-off at which they stop being flattering, and just more TRIANGULAR.

    @George - Yikes. I would, too, for $2,000. Wanna teach me how to play? And ixnay on the ingerielay. That'll never happen. Only *I* love boots. lol.

  15. Please tell me you are going to wear the "junior" Jessica Simpson jeggings with stillettos like they show in the picture (when you aren't wearing the sexay boots....) ... come on you know you want to!!!!

    Kelly ox

  16. @myjoyproject - Hmmm, I *do* have a pair of peep-toe stillettos (also J. Simp), but not sure I could do it. Maybe if I could rock it and not look like a prostitute or a 30 year old on the brink of 17.

    Whaddaya really think? (In all fairness, the model's shoes look much too big on her and really bulky).

    BF may honestly nix those jeggings if I get an honest answer out of him. It might be better for all of mankind to return them.

  17. Shopping sucks! I don't understand how women can ever enjoy the process. I suspect it is some kind of mental illness.

    I think the boots look great. Could you please post a real picture of you from behind wearing those boots (with the jeans on?) I'm sure they are as sexy as hell and your BF is just afraid he will have to fight off too many guys to keep you. (He's probably getting lazy and complacent.)


  18. Retail therapy is a totally acceptable form of self therapy and nobody judges when people (men and women) use least I don't. I so totally get it. Those boots are totally kick ass by the way! Go you!

  19. First. LOVE THOSE BOOTS. Like, I need a pair. Right now.

    Second. I was shopping at Coach today and I wanted this cute beanie and the sale price said $69.99 with 30% off. I checked out, looked at the receipt then looked again at the Beanie. Again, the sale price was $69.99. The regular price was $68.00. It was supposed to be on sale for $59.99.

  20. Those boots are fucking HOT. And if you were a midget, I'm pretty sure they'd be hotter... hasn't the BF ever heard of thigh-high-FMBs? Granted, you'd have to look hot sitting down were this the case, 'cause they don't look like they'd bend too easily were your knees below the brim.

  21. Ooh. Looks like someone is a *ahem* shopaholic!

    (I bought three more dresses yesterday, and they were NOT on sale...fortunately, the sales clerk was a sweetheart.)

    Those boots are pretty sweet, by the way, but I wouldn't be able to wear them for a long period of time. I do far too much walking and heels would only kill my feet.

    -Barb the French Bean

  22. @V-Tom - I'm pretty sure there is an actual proven link between some forms of mental illness and shopping (I'm actually being serious). I'm wondering how fine I walk that line. Or else it's just a really bad habit of overbuying & returning. And slim chances on the photo.

    Maaaaybe. Must also disclaim that BF is not lazy. ;-)

    @Jewels - So happy to see you here! Thanks for commenting, and not judging my shopping. You guys are convincing me that the boots MUST be kept!

    @Jumble Mash - Shopping at COACH?? *bows down*. I hope you went back and made them adjust it to the right price. Are the sales clerks snooty in there, or nice? I'm guessing you will get eye rolls.

  23. Stephanie: I have heard that people with OCD (or was it ADD)have an urge to shop. It makes them feel great and empowered. They will buy impulsively and after buying stuff they often have to battle (hard!) with buyer's remorse.

    The BF comment was tongue in cheek. I'm sure if you selected him to be your boyfriend then he must be a great guy. (Seriously!)

  24. I'm much too mouthy with ppl like that unless they're handling my food...

  25. Hi Stephanie,

    I've gotten behind on blogging and making the rounds myself, so I'm trying to catch up.

    There are much higher levels of stress than that. You could be a guy, shopping with a woman who is stressing; except, I bet that punk sales clerk would have had better manners when he saw my best Clint Eastwood.

    And those boots ARE hot.


  26. That is a classic boy comment! I remember the first time I tried to wear makeup and was very proud of the application and my dad said "whats that purple stuff? You hit yourself in the eye?" Haha!

  27. @bekkitae - Thanks... they aren't, like, "slutty" FM boots, right? I thought they looked pretty savvy with my new coat.

    Also, BF has NO interest in footwear in general, which is unfortunate because I am practically Imelda Marcos.

    @Barb the French Bean - Shop-&-return-a-holic. ;-)

    I usually can't stand heels for very long. Either supersore feet and blisters, or back pain (or both). These boots are surprisingly comfy for such high heels, but then again, I might not say that after an hour or so in those boots!

  28. @V-Tom - Notice I never commented on the complacent part? lol, just kidding, I know it's all in good fun, but I would be doing him a disservice to paint him any other way than the wonderful way he is. ;-)

    @Brandy Rose - I could learn many things from you, I believe. Can you teach me how to grow a pair?

    @Rick - Dude, I'm all about stress. If there were a stress Olympics, I would win first place in both anxiety, indecision and unnecessary stress-out. And I totally need to see a picture of the "Eastwood" look!!

    @Jody - I know. Each time I think he might really like this pair, this time, but alas, no luck.

    It's funny how we remember those comments. I have a few Dad gems, too. May or may not include joking about ugly baby-age. lol.

  29. i have been shopping altogether too much. i do have A LOT of sweet makeup to show for it. and some boots. and skinny jeans. and tee shirts. and a yoga mat. and new yoga pants to do said yoga in. oh, and a yoga dvd.

  30. I have a terrible habit of shopping and returning. Whatever, I get the thrill of buying pretty new things, and then when I realize "oh hey I have no money and I'll wear this once, maybe" I go return it. Shopping rush AND feeling good about myself for ultimately saving money. In my mind.

    Also, I totally would have told off that cashier. His job is customer service, and he's failing at, and he should know. Done and done ;)

  31. @steph gas - I find it soothing and distracting all at once, and I can justify just about anything because I tell myself I "can always take it back". Sometimes ya just need to do it. What yoga DVD? I really like the Yoga Zone series. Not too fast and good instruction. Highly recommended!

    @steph c - Woot woot! Solidarity in returnage! I am not alone! Sometimes I get home and stuff doesn't even fit right. I don't even know why I buy some things.

    Time to try on again and decide what to return!

  32. I have to make a list because there's so much to share with my fellow Retail-therapy-practitioner:

    1) Better than Stress = Snacks. Just sayin
    2) Jeggins. Worse trend than skinny jeans for ladies with ahem paddings. Just sayin. But I am glad you are rocking them!
    3) Junior department = WIN. Ok, that made me sound like a pervert. But you know what I mean.
    4) The return policy is one of the best things I have discovered in the US (and I see that it's the same in Canada) In Asia, NO WAY you get to return things that easily even if they have never been opened, let along a half-eaten cake!
    5) My mother was so scared of trying on things when she was in the US first due to years of abuse by surly salesladies. Once she got used to it though, she pushed a cart full of clothing into the dressing room like a pro. I was so proud of her.
    6) Those boots are SUPER HAWT. Don't tell me your BF didn't end up asking you to please leave them on... *wiggles eyebrows*
    7) I shop online for everything, including shoes. Do stores like Endless and Zappos work for you in Canada? Free shipping and return baby!
    8) AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I HAVE TO SHARE WITH YOU: Again, if works for you, you should definitely check it out. People there are hard core bargain hunters. It's a sporting event for them.

  33. Bwaha, no. I was thinking of the shiny vinyl ones that go up to the top of the thighs. Catwoman style - which proves all items of clothing have their place and time. I tried googling for a pic of them... but found these. Which are hilarious. And horrendous. []

  34. @The Absence of Alternatives - I went with snacks this last time and it was, indeed, the wrong choice.

    I don't know if I am rocking the jeggings. I'm sure BF will hate them, so do I risk wearing them and thinking I look good, and possibly actually look like a 30 year old junior with camel toe?

    Sucks for your mom - mean salespeople are jackholes.

    Most of those stores don't ship to Canada, and with my relentless returning, I can't afford the whole loss on shipping thing. But thanks!!

    @bekkitae - AHHMAH GAAAAHD, those boots are freakin' hilarious! I totally want a pair of thigh boots for my pirate wench Halloween costume for next year.

    Also? I have a pair of below-the-knee-patent black Nine West pointy toe boots that squeak when I wear them. All the guys at work make Catwoman references (or hooker) when I wear them. But hell, they are comfy and waterproof!!

  35. Maybe it's safe to WD40 footwear? I really wouldn't know, not being so much of the "handy". Alternately you could stick a little mouse on the toe. It would stop hooker jokes by being completely baffling, and you could excuse away the squeak...


I get far too excited when new comments come in here...