Thursday, January 20, 2011

Why Does My House Smell Like Omelettes?

Oh... probably because I played the Swedish Chef from the Muppets, and fried the shit out of some red onion, peppers and tomatoes... oh, and added some eggs, playing omelette chef today before I nearly missed the last GO Transit train into downtown Toronto.

Bork, bork, bork!

Nice to come home to a house that smells like the omelette-that-once-was (read: fried-freakin'-onions). Hey, at least the shizz stayed down.

Also? I successfully navigated the TTC (subway) and the GO Train home after a few Smirnoff Ices and some blue Vex lemonade-like sugar-drink (and the accompanying gut-rot). All while wearing an MP3 player and fearing every moving thing around me (like any good policeman's daughter would)!

Moving onwards and upwards.

For some strange, unknown reason, two other bloggers must have been drunk when they bestowed the following award to me because, as we all now, life is fairly-friggin'-shitty right now, but I am never one to look a gift horse in the mouth (unless he's got grills, then I am all like, "Whoa, holy shit there Nelly, where'd you get them fine-ass grills?"... I digress).

Meet Nelly, the horse, y'all.

So, Mr. Jeffy-Poo (I have no approval to use that phrase, so, Uh, Jeff to you guys) at Content Unrelated (funny-ass shit, I can't believe he knows who I am) bestowed this award to me. As well, Krissy (an absolute sweetheart who has crappy weather luck) at Talkative Taurus felt I deserved this award.

Just for the... uh... "official record", life kinda blows right now, but it is the thought that counts, right?

I am looking into having a specialist examine both of their heads, as clearly they are not thinking straight. I don't know what these people are reading, because I really am a bitch. It's okay, I accept it.
Recipients of the award are as follows:

20 Prospect. The guy has a family, is busy as hell, is tired, but makes the most of it all. He is both an AMAZING writer (you feel like you are there with him) and is quick-witted as all get out in his comments section. You won't be disappointed.

not your average joan of archetypal patterns - She is funny, she is a tad neurotic [EDIT: TOTALLY neurotic thankyouverymuch] (in a good way, of course), and everything about her is lovable. If you haven't read her musings yet, you are missing out.

BATCRAP CRAZY, because I cannot help but relate to her on every single level. Be sure to check her out. You may be surprised to learn that you are a ducktard. No... really.

For this award, I must answer the following (I swear, I try to be funny):

1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now? 

I am not anonymous. I whore myself out like a broke prostitute at Christmas. There have been repercussions and there will likely be many more. I swear like a sailor.I curse and vent. But you know what? Too fucking bad if someone doesn't like it; this is my place to vent and to rant. You can't make everyone happy all of the time. Anonymity would have been the smarter route, since my biggest following is other bloggers and hardly any of my friends or family read the blog and/or comment...

2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side. 

Inner? Whatever. If it is something to do with BF, I usually cave (because he is USUALLY right and/or more rational). And I can say that because he probably won't read this. I am stubborn when it comes to standing up for my rights, but I'll tell ya, it can wear you down awfully quick. Penis, balls, scrotum, wang (for comedic effect).

3. What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror? 

A flawed, imperfect, troubled, mushy girl that can always use improvement. Or diamonds. Or both. Or a combination of those two and lots of chocolate.

4. What is your favourite summer cold drink? 

Not beer. I hate beer. It smells like teenage-party-throw-up. (You know, because I went to all of the 4 parties I was invited to in high school. Stop hatin'.)

5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do? 

Well, with no kids and lazy housework, pretty much all this time is "ME" time. And I use it to think about all the things wrong with question #3. Thanks for depressing me Jeff & Krissy. Jesus. (Appropriate substitute = epsom salt bath and/or singing on Rock Band 2).

6. Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life?

Great deeds, cultural change, improving the world for other people, generosity, multiple orgasms for hours on end until I pass out from shock, betterment in all areas of life.

7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person or always ditching?

Over-achiever who asked a lot of questions and irritated classmates who wanted to go home (hey, especially college for my second career, I wasn't fucking around and I was mighty confused. I paid and I needed answers!)

8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?

When I held my dog, Scooby Doo, in my arms as she died (humanely, with the vet present). I felt like the worst mother in the world. Still do. My future-unborn children are FUCKED.

9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?

OHMAAHGAWD, my true self is a limitless pit of material for a blog. I think I make fun of myself better than anyone else. This shit is golden. PUH-leeze.

10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why? 

I am terrified of the phone, receiving calls, making small talk, sounding mildly challenged, filling in awkward silences, blah blah blah. I'd sooner read the back of the can of Lysol, thanks. (And have, if you must know. Toothpaste also makes for desperate toilet-reading material if required. Just sayin'.)

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  1. I love the Swedish Chef.

    Congrats on the award. And I loved your answers to the questions.

  2. You're amazing for your Swedish chef reference. Bork bork bork.

    And to relate, I made a huge thing of french onion soup over New Year's and my parent's house REEKED of onions for days. It was gross. TG it wasn't my apartment. That is all.


  3. Nice to get to know you better!! And who couldn't use more diamonds and chocolate!

  4. i too love the swedish chef. he used to have his own cereal. it was FUCKING DELICIOUS.

  5. That omelet sounds really I'm hungry.

  6. Aww shucks... *blushing*

    I would just like to thank you for this gracious award, and thank all the folks that helped make it possible; The fine producers of Prozac and Wellbutrin, The Marker's Mark distillery, Nutella, and the s.o.b. who designed the stupid talking paper clip that haunts my dreams.

  7. congrats on the award, and you totally OWN it!

  8. So this must be the reason Jeff finally made it to my blog. Yay! :) And hey.. You got even because you made me cry again, but at least you did it in between laughs this time. The name of the award didn't fit yours at the moment, but I knew you would rock those questions like you did.

  9. @Oilfield Trash - Thanks man! Sometimes these things can be hard to make interesting... gotta find a way to mock myself to keep you guys hooked. ;-)

    @steph c - Amazing, eh? If that is true, I should include him in all of my posts. He can be my blog mascot!

    @Heather - Why thank you. And if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times to BF: more diamonds. Or at least more chocolate!

    @steph gas - MUST.TRY.CEREAL! I remember C3P0 and Star Wars had this awesome cereal that I can't find any more...

    @Brandy Rose - It was tasty, though I did burn it, in keeping with my typical kitchen prowess.

  10. @Tom G. - Now, I could have sworn you were a Zoloft kind of guy... and perhaps a Johnnie Walker enthusiast. Damn. I'll know better for next time. ;-)

    @Jumble Mash - Thanks Jumble Mash! I see you are doing a giveaway.. folks, check it out!

    @AmberLaShell - Thanks for that, though I am still a perplexed double recipient. ;-)

  11. Congrats on the award!

    Oh, and I'm totally afraid of the phone. I hate making calls, I usually map out what I'm going to say before I dial.

  12. i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate when the house smells like food. not like, WHILE it's cooking. but after??

    good thing i never cook!!!

    sorry life is blowing right now :(
    but thanks for the award!!!! although, i have to say, i'm a little offended... a tad neurotic? UM, excuse me, i'm TOTALLY neurotic thankyouverymuch! :D

  13. Congrats on the award! Jeff is fucking awesome.

    As for diamonds when you look at yourself in the mirror...are we talking like "Twilight" here, or just fully blinged out?


  14. LOL. Good answers! Congrats on the awards. :)

  15. Congrats also on the awards. LOL at the nelly thing. y'all. i'm so happy you write the way you do!

  16. @You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... - I assumed that was the orgasm post. I've got you all wrong. lol.

    @Krissy - Did I really rock those questions? Man, I should blog more at 3am under the influence. ;-). I need to stop making people cry or they will never come back.

    @becca - Thanks! Must be all my horse with grills photos.

    @WhisperingWriter - Welcome to the blog and thanks for commenting! I find that even if I plan it out, I ramble or talk needlessly. I HATE it with a passion. Also? The sound of my voice on the answering machine. Blech.

    @jess - My most heartfelt and sincere apologies (I was worried "tad" might be interpreted hurtfully and was hoping you knew I meant it in a good way... please see the edit). Hope you feel better soon, girl!

  17. @hed - I could totally go all Edward Cullen and glitter like Mariah-Motherfucking-Carey. I don't know, I just really like sparkly things. Hey! There's one now...

    *wanders away, drops laptop, begins drooling*

    @Cole Garrett - HEY you! Thanks for dropping by again! Glad to see you here. I aim to please when answering these things. lol.

    @carmar76 - HEYO! I thought that was a slice of brilliance - horse, Nelly, grills, the rapper... you got it, good eye! So I hope that means the profanity is okay? Hope so.

  18. Steph I think you';re cool and totally deserve the awards! Keep up the great work!


  19. The Life Is Good thing is awesome and I'm really honored that you would pass it along to me! Really I am. So don't think me an ungrateful ass when I tell you I'd really rather post up that bitchen Horse with da kickass bling bling grill. NELLY IS DA SHIZNIT! LMAO That totally made my Monday. I know it took me like four damn days to get here. I have a good reason but I'm so glad it did because I really needed to see Nelly today. And now I'm going to be picturing Mr. Ed with bling singing "Fish don't fry in the kitchen...beans don't burn on the grill...." *sigh*
    Thank you

  20. @Daffy - I guess you don't 'do' awards, eh? I always do it with good intentions, but find lots of bloggers don't do anything with them. Not sure how to proceed next time.

    Glad the horse with grills filled his purpose. ;-)

  21. All I keep hearing in my brain is, "flee de fleur de fleur de boinkboinkboink!"

  22. @jessicabold - I totally forgot about the flee de fleur de fleur!!! You are awesome! Shall I edit the original caption???


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