Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Worst Motivational Fitness Video EVAR

So, there are things that I should be doing right now.

Important things... things like exercising, planning, bathing, maybe even eating.

Crazy, I know.

I figured I would do a blog post instead, on the worst possible motivational fitness video ever.

When I am in a fitness class, I have to be honest, I expect a fit-looking instructor. I don't mean to piss anyone off, but if teaching exercise classes is your job, and you are overweight, then OBVIOUSLY your routines aren't that effective. And you don't motivate me. I am a bitch, but still.

On the other hand, you've got "Dancer's Body, Buns Hips & Thighs" by Tracey Mallett. (Before you ask, no, this is not a paid review, this was me slugging my ass to her video that I rented for free through the library).

Yeah, yeah, it was the "quick" method, but would you expect anything more less from me?  Source

Now, Tracey is great and cute with her accent. My issue is with pinky in the back. Pinky is anorexic as hell. Go ahead and defend, but this girl had a concave stomach. It made me feel sick.

I don't think an exercise video should do that.


  • Make you aware that you are out of shape? Sure.
  • Make you feel like you have so much work ahead of you to get in better shape? Likely.
  • Make you feel motivated to strive to maybe, possibly look like the slightly overweight second cousin of the instructor who still eats cupcakes regularly  instructor? I'd hope so.
  • Make you regret that orange juice you had before you started working out? For sure.

But... Make me feel fat, gross and disgusted by the thinness of one of the exercisers? HELLS NO!

Exhibit #1:

SO, so wrong. Am I jealous still? Fuck yeah! Maybe? Of course not! Okay, yes, a little.

Correct me if I'm wrong Believe every damn word I am saying, when I say I know anorexia when I see it.

This video didn't motivate me. It made me grab a box of cookies and cry in the fetal position, knowing that absolutely NO quick blast method of any sort (dynamite included) could whittle me away to those proportions. Ack.

[Edit: check her out for yourself:  0:38, 1:18 and 2:57 are good examples


I say, Team Jillian Michaels all the way. Even if she uses skinny beyotches, they are ripped and HEALTHY looking.

Exhibit #2:

Yeah, I'd do her. I mean. Uh.. WOW! She's fit!   Source

Okay, my rant is done. For now.


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  1. I see what you mean about the girl in pink. I couldn't see myself doing anything with her, for more than an hour...maybe two.

  2. Good on you for even making the effort to watch one of those videos let alone actually do the exercises. I don't have the patience and would much rather be outside getting fit. But you are right, a Skeletor is NOT a good example of what an exercise video should be promoting. I would have grabbed the ice cream and the cupcakes and probably a couple of cocktails in response.


  3. eww, i don't want to see someone that skinny working out.. I will sit there watching scared that she will pass out at any minute.


  4. @George - As in, fitness routines, right? RIGHT??

    @The Empress - I can't run. Or catch, or hit anything... so I resort to videos. I think a cocktail is in order. That beats cookies in the fetal position any day!

  5. Fitness?? Oh, yeah fitness, fitness. Definitely fitness.

  6. @AmberLaShell - I KNOW, right??!? It's just not healthy. It's so far beyond healthy!

    @George - Men! *hmph* ;-)

  7. Ugh! She's skin and bones.
    That'd make me uncomfortable to work out to.
    If I worked out.

    I did try a Carmen Electra strip tease sort of workout once. Talk about feeling awkward....

  8. You crack me up kid!!

  9. ummm cookies and cupcakes...

    oh and boobies...

    i'm in very good shape now...and hey those cupcake crumbs they were on the desk BEFORE i sat down...

    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  10. @SarcasmInAction - I downloaded that strip tease and NEVER.EVEN.WATCHED.IT. I'm that sexy, yo. And yeah... bony.

    @BettyBo - I aim to please. I should post my own anorexia pictures from '95 to be fair. lol.

    @bruce - She does have nice boobies. And ain't no shame in the cupcakes...mmmmmmmm cuuuup-caaakes...

  11. You know what? I want a exercise video with fat people in it so I can watch them lose weight while I do. I would feel better about myself that way.

  12. okay, pinky is so skinny she's basically see-through.

    i just got 3 new work out dvds (once ups finally stopped being shit heads) so.... we'll see how that goes...

  13. my only thought when i saw pinky was "eep!"

    also, i want a cupcake, but i just ate a cookie, so... lol

  14. I thought workout of videos were just for watching! I used to watch "20 minute workout". I could only watch for about 10 minutes. ;) I didn't lose any weight watching it.

    On the other hand, I have lost between 25 or 30 lbs since Halloween. The only real thing I did was get on the treadmill almost every day and get at the top of my heart rate zone for 20 minutes and work up a good sweat. If your wanted to lose some weight the same might work for you.

  15. I watched the whole thing and it didnt compute they were working out. I was mesmerized. I think im a pervert?

  16. i need this vid, stat. if it's able to make my torso invisible when i turn to the side, it's exactly what i've been looking for.

  17. Maybe they were trying to give you some thinspiration a la Kate Moss? ;)

    But in all seriousness.. blech. No thank you. I'd rather not watch skinny bitch working out. It's gross looking to me.

  18. @Oilfield Trash - I like fit and toned, but not condescending. The tone of the instructor, and their physcial health is what motivates me. They do have those Biggest Loser workouts with real people. Those might be more up your alley (if you were really lookin' to work out).

    @jess - I bought 4 Jillian Michaels DVDs last night after trying one from the library. She is fierce, but I can SEE a difference already. Craziness after only 2 weeks. I hoe UPS 'delivers' soon, or we will have to form a mass demonstration on their suckiness!

    @carmar76 - Eeep sums it up perfectly! And after that shock I think you deserve both a cookie AND a cupcake! ;-)

    @V-Tom - I know you've suggested the treadmill before... my biggest caveat is that I happen to HATE treadmills and HATE running. If I don't wuss out and don't hit pause, these new workouts I got (not with Pinky) are seriously ass-kickin'. They will deliver if they don't kill me first.

    It took all I had not to barf last night, I was so winded.

    Also? My mom used to do that 20 minute workout. That show was BRUTAL! All about showing some ass, and terrible form. She's lucky she didn't get hurt with all those bouncing stretches.

  19. @The Phoenix Rising - Well, hey man, at least you are an HONEST pervert! ;-)

    @You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... - It might mean imminent death, if you're okay with that! Plus, no more Stella Artois and loaf-of-bread dinners. Totes not worth it!

    @steph c - Her midsection was just too much (or, rather, too little). I just can't watch that, and it's disappointing that Tracey Mallett would cast someone who is clearly overly thin and not healthy looking.

  20. Oreos. I need oreos after that. STAT.

  21. If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it is "never exercise"...I tell myself "Don't even bother, fat-ass... the only exercise you are doing is sweating while ripping open the wrapper to your four pack of peanut butter twix"...and then I'm like "Yeah, that fat ass was right, I WILL have my Twix!"...and then I gasp like a fish as I open the Twix wrapper and lament my formerly fit body...

  22. UGH, the anorexia is so NOT sexy! I prefer to go to the gym (mainly because I am too easily distracted by the kitchen residing next to the living room where I would be forced to workout. Trying to workout with the cookies calling is not good). The gym I workout at is one of those "body building" type places (luckily those meatheads are in the basement and the "normal" people are upstairs) but I'd much rather see Hulk Hogan that Olive Oil come-to-life *sigh*

  23. Steph: I think the key is to get the heart rate up so that you really burn calories. You might want to get a heart rate monitor to see where your heart rate is while working out. If the exercises on the video work for you then that is great; just make sure that whatever you do you can stick to it.

  24. I cancelled a personal training appointment once at my gym because the trainer they assigned to me was a fat tub of goo. Shallow or not...you also want a hairdresser with good hair and a doctor that does not smoke. Am I right? I now do P90X at home. Way better.

  25. i do big people yoga. seriously, it's called heavyweight yoga and the instructor is my size. if you have a buddha belly and DD's like i do, 'regular' yoga means your tits end up trying to smother you. big girl yoga (as i now call it) even has a special move to get my belly out of the way of my thighs and shit like that.

    and my old doctor smoked. but you know, it's an addiction and a personal choice. i wouldn't stop going to a doctor because they were a vegan unless they tried to convert me.

  26. @Elly Lou - *realize I am almost 3 hours late.... Quickly hands 2 packs of double oreos over*

    Thanks for stopping by, Elly Lou! Also? Vagina!

    @Organic Meatbag - First of all: mmmmmmmmmm peanut butter Twix. Secondly... I guess at least you are good with your own advice. And you don't look like Skeletor. And take it easy opening that shit up, no one needs you to get all out of breath and have a coronary!

    @Tina's Crazy World - Kudos to you for gymming it! I hate getting sweaty in public, and I hate public showers. And if I don't shower right away, my body does awful things to me. Plus I am SO out of shape right now, I need to ease into it.

    The chicks at the gym could kick my ass in an instant. Don't want to be a complete wuss!

  27. @V-Tom - Judging by my inability to breathe and my purple face, I know my heart rate is up! I have a heartrate monitor, but the batteries are weak in it. Need to figure out how much it will cost me to replace them.

    @Brutalism - I find I usually get hairdressers with bad hair. Then I sit nervous for the entire time. Half the time it's meh, half the time I am horrified. I never stick with one place or one person.

    Wouldn't want a smoking doctor myself, but to each their own. They're just normal people like us with a shit-ton of power, money and a white coat.

    I've heard good things about P90X, but am too wussy for that. Jillian Michaels is pretty damn tough, for me, at least for now.

    @steph gas - Wow, I really probably sounded like a big asshole there. Sorry, girl. I never thought about workouts tailored specifically for those with double D's. Though my little cups are envious, I've never considered the challenges and frustrations that would come with big boobies, especially for something like yoga.

    Are you liking the yoga? This "No More Trouble Zones" workout last night seriously kicked my ass. Even the puppy was laughing at me.

  28. @Stephanie C: - You might find you are overdoing it, I'd really make sure you get that monitor working. Purple face isn't good.

  29. Ewww, Pink Girl is creepy! My rant is healthcare professionals who smoke and/or are overweight. It's so hypocritical....

  30. @On My Soapbox - I KNOW, right?!? On all accounts. But... for doctors, I have also seen terribly underweight and that isn't good either. I'd prefer a generally healthy-and-take-care-of-themself kind of doc.

    But they have their vices like every other person.

  31. Ha! This is me! I'm pinky. I found this because I was trying to show a friend an old video I did with Tracey and this came up. Too funny. I just have to comment because I was around 22 when this video was shot in 2006 and I know I look skinny but I really was naturally this thin . 'I actually hated being this thin and ate everything trying to gain. You all need to realize that some people are naturally thin without being anorexic.


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