Sunday, February 6, 2011

Rap, The Superbowl, and Sex-ay Knees

So, just in case anyone was wondering/curious/losing sleep at night as to whether or not rap/hip-hop-pop music sounds wicked awesome live, um.

It sucks balls.


I believe that there is no rap that sounds good live. It's just shouting. The Superbowl confirmed this, and it isn't even hard-core rap. I am pretty sure that Fergie and Slash would have made Axl Rose roll in his grave (since his career is totally dead  if he were actually dead).

Ohhh, woah woah sweet earful atrocity of mie-ine.... ooooh woah woah woah, sweet Slash-Fergie collaboration...

What.The.FUCK? Seriously? Reeeeally? Seriously?

That was brutal. I was in a restaurant with my mom, and even the restaurant noise, restaurant music, and our desperate attempts to speak very loud (to drown out the sound of her dying-cat-like-singing) were no competition.

I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

Oh Slash. Are times that hard, my friend?

So, it took me a while to decide which Superbowl party to go to. I had SO many invites (read: NONE), so I went to dinner for half, and then sat on the floor with the dogs for the other half.


Last night I got all dressed up to go to Toronto for dinner with BF and friends. Rocked a new dress with a wee patent belt, and patent knee high boots. Rocked out the red Christmas coat. Felt pretty good.

Was sitting in the car, while BF pumped gas, when I realized I was not as sex-ay as I felt:

Goddamn knobby knees, poor vision, dim bathroom lighting and KNEE EFFING HAIR.

Yeah. That is some serious hair on the knee. It's LONG people. How does one miss that? Clearly for weeks? Like, every time I've shaved for the past month?
I felt instantly gross.

Driving home the point that I shall never, ever, feel confident or sex-ay, because there will always be something just lurking around the corner to drag you down and make you feel like a hairy horse.

Just sayin'.

Fuck you, knee hair. Well played.

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  1. knee hair isn't as bad as chin hair! so... there's that!

    the only good thing i could think to say about the halftime show was "well.. they're sparkly."
    and wtf are fergie and slash doing hanging out anyway?

  2. What?!? You didn't watch The Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet????

    Not that I was allowed to on the big TV....I watched parts of it on my HTC Hero. And giggled LOUDLY to show my DH and other family members how much BETTER it was than the stoopid half time show.


    And I agree with Jess...knee hair is not nearly as bad as chin hair....or nose hair....or ear hair.....

  3. agreed on the music. ugh on the knee hair! i hate when that happens, too.

  4. @jess - WTF doesn't begin to cover it. Also? I never even CHECKED for chin hair!

    @Angie - I totally forgot about that! Damn! ANd... I didn't even CHECK FOR NOSE HAIR OR EAR HAIR EITHER. Oh noes...

    @carmar76 - I wish I had a razor in my purse for emergencies, but you just KNOW I would leave that in there when going through airport security or something...

  5. That's the thing with The Black-Eyed Peas, they *nevah* sound good live. Evah.

    And the whole "Sweet Child of Mine" thing kinda makes Slash's collabo with Michael Jackson from years ago seem like the coolest thing in the world. Oh the humanity.

  6. The half time show was really bad. I hate even talking about it.

    The hairy knee thing.. well disgusting! I mean, how can we ever think of you in the same way knowing that you actually have hairs growing on your knee? What's next? Hair growing on your armpits or some other hidden away spot? Disgusting! It just isn't natural! I don't know how you can live with yourself knowing that some hairs grew there and escaped your razor!


    The truth is that most of us would never notice it and if we did we would think nothing of it.


  7. @Chris - OH THE HUMANITY! I saw the BEP once before they were popular. I just remember thinking "this is painfully noisy, I hope the next act *cough* Justin Timberlake *cough* comes on soon".

    @V-Tom - I KNOW! I am repulsive! I see you concur, as I only read the first portion of your comment (you know, the part that reinforces my negative self-criticism). lol.

  8. I would trade the rouge knee hairs for two kids with the flu. I would rather shave than clean up puke all night long.

    And I agree with you about the Black Eyed Peas. I had to do a double take when I saw Slash up there. But I guess he needed money for more shampoo so he did it.

  9. @Oilfield Trash - Fair enough. I have done more than my own fair share of puking in the past two years, so I do feel your pain.

    Yeah... I seriously uttered WTF when I saw the hair. At first I thought it was that football player with the Head & Shoulders commercials. But the top hat confirmed my worst fears: Slash was collaborating with Fergie Ferg. Jaysus!

  10. worst. halftime. show. ever.

    sudden hair immediate tufts syndrome. did not miss it. i have sudden hairs all the time. eyebrows are the worst..

    when i got home from the SB party...tucker and i watched the puppy bowl for about 15 minutes. i have never seen a dog stare at a tv for so long. and when he would look away, one of the puppaaaay's would make a puppy noise and he would be right back at looking.cocking his head and perking his ears!

    so no worries on the SHITS...

  11. @bruce - I was surprised at the choice in the first place... but from the audio to the outfits, it was a brutal experience.

    That's really cute about Tuckmonster... I wonder if Puppaaay would have liked it?

  12. OK. I am really from another planet.

    A: Who is Fergie?

    B: Don;t answer. I really, truly, do not give a flying f**k. (Some pop icon. Who gives a s**t.)

    C. Superbowl. Hmm. What is that?

    D. Don't answer. I don;t care. The fudge packers and someone else? I hear?

    E. Really. Truly. A bunch of millionaires bonking into each other? Get a FUCKING LIFE!

    F. Wow. I broke my own rule about profanity.

    I love you, Stef, Keep it real forever,

  13. I'm glad I don't watch the superbowl. This post made me sad. I love Slash, he was one of my childhood heroes.

    Fergie and BEP respectively make me want to punch babies.

  14. Hmm... are we sure that was really Slash on stage? I mean, he was hardly even moving, and what with the Mad Hatter Hat, sunglasses, and mop on his head, it could have been anyone. (Note to self: Next Halloween I am going as Slash)

    Bring back Up with People. At least we expect them to suck.

    As for the rogue hair syndrome, knee hair isn't so bad. Ever since I hit 40 I keep getting these Brehznev-like Eyebrow wings. I feel like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.

  15. You rocked that dress!!! That was probably just puppy hair stuck to your knees.
    Love you

  16. @Rick - Fergie is baaaad. Men in spandex is meh... Profanity is fun, especially if you don't use it everyday. ;-) And I promise to keep it real. You know it!

    @Yandie, Goddess of Pickles - I KNOW! That was the cause of the throw up. He lost street cred with that bullshizznit! Hope you had a great trip!

    @Tom G. - True, could have been Howard Stern standing in, and impersonator, or in a quick costume change... Anything is possible with a bazillion dollars. Well, except for maybe the Black Eyed Peas sounding good at the Superbowl.

    Also? hahahahah on the Jeff Goldblum eyebrow hair! I bet it makes you all the more attractive!

  17. @Anonymous (AKA, My Very Own BF!) - Thanks for reading and commenting babe! At first I was like "oh shit, someone who reads my blog saw me or followed me to Toronto?" then I realized it was you.

    9 more comments and I'm off to your sporting event! ;-) Love you, too.

  18. Ughh damn knee hairs. They just stay there to spite us ladies.

    And.. yea.. Fergie last night? Made me want to rip my ears off. The whole thing was just terrible. Including the five second cameo by Usher.. who I don't think even sang anything and just danced? Dumb.

  19. @steph c - I know, right? Stupid knees. I blame the knees. And the Venus razor. And the bathroom lighting.

    Oh, I missed Usher. I might have been under the restaurant table in the fetal position by then...

  20. @tom G I actually did go as Slash for Halloween when I was in grade 8, it was one of my more fun costumes.

  21. you and your hairy knee were tagged in my latest post.

  22. okay i totally watched the superbowl because i don't hate football and i wanted to see all the commercials. it was a pretty good game.

    ALSO. slash has a new album where he rocks out the guitar and other people sing. fergie did a song with him named 'beautiful dangerous' and it's actually pretty hot. which is probably why he came out with the peas.

    ALSO ALSO. black eyed peas at halftime was pretty good as far as a rap/hip hop act is concerned at the superbowl. not really the right kind of environment for that kind of show.

    ALSO ALSO ALSO. fuck knee hair.

  23. Perhaps you should do what I did, and invest in a "Sudden Hair Survival Kit." Tweezers, razor, travel sized Veet, and some duct tape. Unfortunately, as soon as I covered that possibility, I started suffering from "Super-sneaky Ninja-zits." Those are the ones that magically grow on your forehead during a date and you don't see them 'til you get home.

    Love your blog!

  24. @You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... - Noted and commented upon. Finally catching up on other peeps' blogs tonight. Me and my damn being away from the laptop never bodes well for blogging.

    @steph gas - I didn't get any of the good commercials here in Canada Land. Boooo-urns. Interesting about Slash's new album, does make things make a little more sense, but I still thought Ferg's voice was pretty bad.

    Now, I'm not sayin' I could do better. But someone as epic as Slash needs to have someone to keep him looking cool, and I felt pained for her. I guess I'm bitchy like that.

    @Katt - I am tempted after this little incident, but I just KNOW the dog would somehow get into my purse and ingest the Veet, I would totally lose my favourite tweezers, and I would get caught and detained at airport security with the razor.

    Though duct tape could come in super handy...

    Also? Well played, super sneaky ninja zits. They'll getcha every time.

    And thanks! :-)

  25. Im not a fan of black eyed peas and it stunk but then slash make a cameo and it was ok for one song.

  26. Knee hair escapes my razor every time. Every. Time.

    Oh, and I wish I would have watched the Puppy Bowl instead. I've never seen the BEP live, but now that I have, I will not be buying any of their CD's.

  27. THANK YOU! I was worried that I was the one not able to appreciate good music. It sounded absolutely awful to me. In most cases, live concerts are awesome when you are there, drunk. Watching a live concert on TV or DVD is never a good experience. I personally have no problem with lip sync. I am grateful when they do that. LOL.

    Now... I am obsessed with the hair on my toes. Do they even wax those? is it normal that I want to wax them?!

  28. @The Phoenix Rising - You are more generous than I am with the "okay" assessment. ;-)

    @On My Soapbox - Damn hairy knees.

    I know, I hope there is a puppy bowl next year. And I think that performance just proved how much they alter/adjust things in the studio.

    @The Absence of Alternatives - I know, I'll admit to seeing Britney Spears live. At first, I felt mad/ripped off she was lip synching. Then she sang along with a few backer tracks and I WANTED her to start lip synching again!!?!

    Shhhh about the toe hair. The boys are NEVER supposed to know about that!! ;-)

  29. L-M-A-O! Knee hair!!! I so feel your pain... Although, I worry most about the back of my thigh. I just KNOW there's a "skunk strip" back there somewhere begging me to braid it! HAHAHAHA

  30. omg too funny about the knee hair. it's a bitch. i have to make a point to watch behind the knees and the boobs too. sometimes i get 2 inchers in either spot. my hair is very light and hard to see with my 40+ eyes.

  31. @Tina's Crazy World - Don't even get me STARTED on back of the thigh hair braiding!

    @pattypunker - It's my nemesis. 2 inchers are michevious little basatards. Especially the light coloured ones... Don't you mean 25+ eyes??

  32. I actually don't mind the Black Eyed Peas. They occasionally pop up when I shuffle my iPod (sometimes between Thrice and Unwritten Law, which never ceases to crack me up.)

    That being said, I never thought their type of music would make for a good concert or show. Lo and behold, it stunk. (or is it stank?) Whatever. Fergie is terrible. Even auto-tune can't help her. And I don't feel to strongly either way about Slash, but taking this gig was negative brownie points for him. Come on... you don't NEED that paycheck. Respect yourself!

    Okay, I'm done. (I'm not, but I'll stop.)

  33. That halftime show made me want to stick shards of glass into my eyes and eardrums and give myself a catheter for no good reason...a nice burst of joy right up the pee-pee hole...that is how bad the half time show was...
    and hey, don't freak out about the knee hair,'s could even be endearing... me on the other hand, I discovered a thin layer of back hair starting to form on me...fucking back hair!!! A very thin layer, but back hair nonetheless... that shit just isn't right...

  34. @Cole Garrett - I actually have a bunch of their songs on my computer and MP3 player, too. That shit is catchy, no doubt, and good to work out to or dance... but she did sound brutal. And Slash didn't need to do that at the Superbowl of all places. BLAH.

    (Did you notice I am not cool/savvy enough for an ipod?)

    @Organic Meatbag - NOooooo! Backhair! On top of a shitty half time Superbowl show? What did you do to Karma to piss her off so much? And shards of glass would have been very, very effective... unless you hit something wrong and had to lay there, bleeding out, listening to Fergie Ferg as you died.

    I finally got ALL those knee hairs last night. I think. I'm not sure actually.


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