Monday, February 21, 2011

Embarrassing Realizations (Part 2 of ∞ )

No matter how hard you try, no matter how many washes, black track pants/sweat pants will inevitably leave black fuzzies in the crack of your arse. It's true.

Be aware of this now, and every time you wear them (for only the most discerning people [such as myself] wear pants with elastic waistbands that are comprised of a pilly fleecy interior). p.s. They call them sweat pants for a reason. SwAss people, swass.

Don't even TRY to deny that. You'll think you're pooping spiders for a second.

Second embarrassing revelation: Don't attend a "Toronto Dances With The Stars" workshop, with only a modicum of dance knowledge.

You will be surrounded by excellent dancers who already know the moves, more than a few bitchy/ignorant dance studio teachers/owners who will tell you to "get the hell out of the way", and a bunch of people who THINK they can dance, but cannot.

The latter group will treat your (my) apologetic, bumbling, self-conscious ass like a piece of whale poop, as you (I) muddle through the instruction without a partner.

Dmitry Chaplin shoots lasers out of his left eye. Totally worth the ticket cost.

I got a picture with Dmitry - he's cute and personable. He was nicer than most of the participants there!

Me & Dmitry, and my flashless, non-smart phone

While I am sure there were a few other semi-normal single folk out there attending this workshop, I was only exposed to a few crazies, and one complete and utter douchebag/slimeball who forcibly made me dance to the last song on my way out of the evening gala dinner (with my coat and gloves on).

MY INNER VOICE: "Guess what asshole, you're wrong. You can't dance." (Image source)

Third embarrassing revelation: If there is a somewhat friendly single male individual who offers to partner up with you for one dance practice session, and your gut is telling you "Get the fuck away from this guy, he oozes creep and causes you extreme discomfort!" ... then listen to your gut.

A little of this:

Irritating and salesman-like

Plus a little of this:

The finger-gun type. (No, this isn't him)

Inevitably, your phone calls to random people to avoid him and your declining of his insistent offer to leave the venue to go to lunch together will still not prevent him from proclaiming that you "are the one he wanted to spend the night with", then grabbing your ass at the end of the night. This will all happen before he asks how to stay in touch, you decline the offer, then he chastises you for having the audacity to show up to an event like that if you have a fiancee. (HELLO, dickwad, did you not see the ring on that finger?).

Seriously, he gave me his "card" with his title on it. Guess what his self-generated business card title was? 

"The Connector". (Arguably still better than "The Shocker", I suppose)

I saw him making his way around the room to all of the apparent single ladies, and I think he was gauging their playability based on their:

A) Outfit.
2) Lack of self-esteem (or unwarranted abundance of self esteem).
J) Level of isolation in the room (appearing to be there alone or not).
5) Their inability to tell him off when/if he gets all touchy/grabby/in their face/insistent.

Blah. I was just relieved to get the hell out of there and not have anyone trail me to my car. I will never go out on a limb an attend a social-dance thing like this again.

Final realization for this post: Tons of people call the person they are going to marry their fiancee. Or fiance. (Fee- awnce - say). I feel like an utter douche when I say those words (BF is FABULOUS, it's not him, it's the word). I realize now I can't call him BF any more in these posts, dammit. So in order to cushion the douchey-blow I feel I deliver with every "fiancee"-drop, BF will now be officially renamed to Feyoncé. HA! That's right. He's gonna hate it.

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  1. Feyonce? You need help my dear. The fuzz thing in the crack of your ass never happens to me. I was born without an ass though, so I guess it couldn't really happen.

  2. @George - Of COURSE I need help. That has been obvious since my first post. And don't forget the little accent on the word Feyoncé. It makes all the difference.

    BWAHAHAHA. I want to see pictures of the asslessness!

  3. okay, as soon as i'm finished with this i'm running to check my ass crack for fuzzies...

    1) those lame snobs at the dance workshop can eat shit and die. one time i signed up for this super rinky dinky town sponsored 5k. it was like, for fun. i had been running 3miles at the gym for a few months and i thought it would be a great intro into running races. i thought i might even place well and get to take home a schmancy ribbon. ORRRRR there were people there who finished in under 15 minutes. REALLY? go try out for the olympics and let the rest of us not feel like slow a holes.

    2)smarmy assholes who can't take a hint can ALSO eat shit and die.

    3)roberto and i were engaged for 365million years before we actually got married and EVERY time i had to call him my fiance i either said it with a snooty accent to make it funny, or i stumbled over it like an idiot. "oh this is robert he's my, uh, fian, well, my finan.. know, we're getting married."

  4. Wow that guy seemed like a Jersey Shore wanna be quido type of douche bag.

    And you got engaged recently or have you talked about it before? If recently then congrats to you and him.

  5. @jess - Hahaha I love you. I wondered how you handled the fiance thing. And I love all of your comments. I should have brought some of that dog poop I've been complaining about, and offered it up to the really rude dance shop attendees. hahahah LOVE IT.

    @Oilfield Trash - You're a smart cookie. This is the first "big reveal" post. Just happened last Saturday, but had to notify in the right order. Family by phone, most friends by email, Facebook public, then the blog.

    You know, "etiquette" and all. *sarcasm*. Thanks for the kind words.

  6. Congratulations! That's exciting!

    I always hated fiancee as well.. Hell, I don't even like calling someone my boyfriend. It always sounds like I'm in freakin' high school. I usually end up referring to the guy I'm dating as The Boy (which is probably why I don't date alot. Okay, there's probably other reasons, too).

  7. "The Connector"? And he had a card with that on it? Ewwwww!

  8. @Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. - Thanks! I've spent years feeling trivial saying "boyfriend"... I know what you mean. It's like we're just shacked up, dating, 'til I find me a man who can open up beer bottles with his forehead.

    So... yeah, husband will just be SO.MUCH.EASIER.

  9. @On My Soapbox - Seriously. He did. And his face. And his Facebook info, and youtube info, and website, and personalized email address at his personalized website. I so wanted to scan and post it, but don't want to be sued.

    After all, HE IS CLEARLY CONNECTED, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

  10. feyonce` is better than ex husband...

    jus' sayin'

    so congrats and all that!

    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  11. I have a smartphone that doesn't even HAVE a flash! I feel duped.

    Hilarious story ^.^ ... just remember if you follow your gut, you don't get the good blog-fodder!

    Also tip-of-the-hat at Feyoncé ... at least he he knew what we wanted and put a ring on it.

  12. Congratulations on your engagement. I'd put the accent on there, but I don't know how to type that sort of thing in the comments box. Come to think of it, I don't know how to do it any place.
    I'll see what I can do regarding the pictures.

  13. @bruce - Awwww.... c'mon man. I know all about the divorce rate stats. Don't make me even more apprehensive!! ;-)

    @bekkitae - It's true, the only reason I stayed for the entire duration was because I knew I would have something to write about. I could have made a long, drawn out post on its own, but figured you would all fall asleep.

    Also? Totally duped, sans flash (that's fancy French for "without"... ooooh, aaaah), and kudos to Feyoncé, indeed. It took him 6.5 years! lol

    @George - Georgie, baby, that's the power of Wikipedia and copy and paste!! Feyoncé, Feyoncé, Feyoncé. And I need those pictures, stat, before I am officially "off the market". lol.

    Thanks for the kind words.

  14. Did not mean that...meant if he didn't like that name....he'd really hate to be the other one...

    There are only two ways to end a marriage...divorce and death...

    I choose to be married till I die...

    Sorry I said it all wrong on the first post...
    Iam truly happy for you !

  15. oh yeah...

    you can call me brucie, baby...

    ryan at waxed red threads calls me cousin brucie...he is from newyork. so its cool...

    thanks for adding me to your blog roll...

    you SERIOUSLY reeealllly rock!

  16. Congratulations on your engagement! Although I understand that you really shouldn't congratulate a bride-to-be, as she can pick and chose from all the guys out there. BF is the one that should be congratulated as he is fortunate enough to be getting married to you!


  17. I think the thing that is most relevant is that you *don't* have a smart phone. WTH girlfriend? I am appalled. Appalled, I say! ;P

    That said, I am in the same boat as bekkitae....have the smartphone, just not a flash. I have the HTC Hero and now wish I had gotten the Palm Pre like DH.

    Which takes me to....Congratulations! I finally cornered Raymond into a wedding after about six years of living together. It will be 9 years of wedded bliss March 17th ;D We have so many anniversaries, it's ridiculous. One for when we met online, one for when I packed up my shizz and moved across the country to live with him (having never met him in person) and then the "official" wedding one. I believe in celebrating a lot. ;P

    So, hooray for the Feyoncé (see I *do* read all the comments! I learned how to put the little accent on! Copy, Paste! Yay!), and really, being married isn't that different. Except you get to use DH instead of BF or Feyoncé. AND the "D" can stand for "dear" OR "damn" depending on the context! Soooo cool!

    Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like any of that fazes "The (creepy)Connector". *shudder*

  18. @brucie - S'all good, buddy. I seriously, really, try. ;-)

    @V-Tom - I have to admit, you are the first person to call me the "bride-to-be" and it seems weird. Almost surreal it is actually happening. And you are too sweet. I just sent him an email letting him know his new title... he will surely be displeased. ;-)

    @Angie - Holy balls, batman! We met online, too, but we chatted for a YEAR first, and met in person many times before even DATING! Kudos to you and your dear/damn hubby for having both the guts and love to follow through not having met yet!

    Yes, I am totally socially behind with my lame LG Keybo phone. But at least I only pay $28/month with my unlimited My 5. Thanks for the congrats (and for reading the ENTIRE post!)... even Feyoncé was disgusted by how creepy the Connector was.

  19. Well...this was what...15...16 years ago...the whole meeting online thing was pretty new then and there weren't the horror stories of things gone bad that there are now. And there was the whole, my ex was extorting money from me, and my Mom wanted me out of the state where he couldn't bully me thing going on too.

    And I'm crazy. It was agreed on both friends, his friends....everyone thought I was the crazy one. ;D

    Seriously though....I am just about the luckiest damn woman on the planet....he is the BEST thing that ever happened to me.

  20. YOU are hilarious, and awesome. Feyonce. I laughed so hard Bret thought I was having a nervous breakdown.

    thank you!

  21. I have never understood the kind of guy you describe...

    No, I take that back. I do understand them. They use those methods because they work. More often than not, they will find some girl with little enough self-esteem to fall for it, and that's the kind they want.

    And leaving behind a trail of tears and rage is all part of the fun for them.

    I am sad to say.

    Now as to the black sweats, er, isn't that what underwear is for?

  22. And not to make things worse, but the little black lint balls also get trapped on the more unmentionable parts too...I am sure it's the same for you gals...hahaha

  23. I gave up on calling my man "boyfriend" a while back. I am thirty-something, and saying "This is my boyfriend." made me feel like I should hide my ring-less hand behind my back and simper. He is now "My Man," and shall remain so, regardless of the fact that we are now (ugh) affianced, until he is "My Husband."

    That said, congrats on Your Man putting in his bid to be the Mister! And I have decided to retire my black sweat pants for a pair of red ones. What could go wrong? :)

  24. @becca - Thanks. :-)

    @Angie - Still, it took guts and worked out for the best! Yay!

    @carmar76 - Ahahaha, thank you! You made me smile. I only usually see comments like that reserved for people like Allie Brosh, so I am uber-flattered!

    @Richard G. Crockett - What is this "underwear" you speak of? lol. I think no material can match the tunnelling abilities of black fleecy-ness!

  25. @Organic Meatbag - Dude, I didn't want to have to be the one to say, nay ADMIT it. Always best to wash 'em once first to cut down on the worst of it. lol.

    @Jumble Mash - I should trademark that shizz! ;-)

    @Katt - I know, I still don't know what to really say to people, so I just continue to say his name, even if people don't know him. Just feels easier.

    And red sweatpants... iiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

    p.s. I thoroughly enjoyed your "ugh".

  26. knock knock!

    who's there?


    awards who?

    awards for you at my Jadip blog, that's who!

    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  27. ...maybe its because I wear underwear with my sweat pants... but I don't have this spider-poo-fizz problem. Although occasionally I will find a really long strand of hair from my head there. Is that TMI? Sorry.

  28. First off, mad props for even going to that thing alone. I wouldn't have.

    And second.. I still call my fiancé my boyfriend all the time. I started mushing them together so it sounds like Boy-ancé. Beyonce? Sure.

  29. Hopefully you never cross paths with "The Connector" again.
    If nothing else, at least the evening gave you some blog material, but still......

    And "Feyonce" is perfect! You should trademark

  30. Even in shadow Dmitry looks yummers. and ewwwwwwww about that slimy guy! Blessings, Joanne

  31. @brucie - Thnank you kindly for the award! I was lucky enough to be gifted the same, and the questions were answered in my post here! But thank you for the blog love!

    @Storm. Kat Storm. - Fuzz spiders, floss-like-hair-in-butt, we all have our battles. Some of us have both. lol

    @steph c - Thanks for the props, but all it did was reinforce how socially awkward these things can be. And how does Boyancé feel about his name?

  32. @BettyBo - Oh lordy, I hope not. I am sure he is the type to Google his own name, so I wonder if he will come across this and realize how slimy he comes across.

    Thanks on the congrats. Feyoncé doesn't like his name.

    @Joanne Dmitry Chaplin was very nice, very well dressed, and gooooooooooood lookin' indeed! And on the other count? Oh so eeew, you've got that right. Have a great day!

  33. Thanks for the advice, but I was already overwhelmed at "So You Think You Can Dance Red Deer", so I'm out!

  34. Before we got married, I referred to my Hubby as my Body Buddy. I preferred that to fiance, but I do like Feyonce.

    I only get lint in my ass when I run out of clean underwear so I guess I can sympathize, part of the time anyway.

  35. I guess I'll have to get you a bigger ring so it is more obvious to all the men out there that you are taken!!!

  36. @Trooper Thorn - Did that seriously, really happen, and if you, were you actually a part of it? 'Cause that would be AWESOME.

    @Nari - I appreciate the sympathy, even if it is only during laundry time. lol. I think Feyoncé would be more embarassed by Body Buddy. But I like it!

    @Feyoncé - No, no sweetie. The ring size is fine. You mean bigger diamond. DIAMOND, sweetie. lol. ;-)


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