Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Fergie, Dog Poop, World Going To Hell

Yes, seemingly obscure title, but these things are all somewhat related. 

First off, as much as I want all new blog visitors to read my naked threesome invite experience in the post below, I can't sleep and decided I should make another post since I can't do much else if I want BF to stay sleeping.

Second - For those not in the know, we have a great dane. A great dane is big. A great dane eats a lot and, consequently, poops an awful lot.



For some reason, my brain has automatically, without fail, associated picking up dog poop in the yard with Fergie's smash hit* "Glamorous". I will be out in the back yard (probably in pajama pants, braless, and in an ill-fitting-but-hopefully-clean sleep shirt). Go ahead and hate. I know you'z jealous.

I just saw the music video now, and I realize I wouldn't even be cool enough to attend the "pre-glamorous" kegger.

I will consistently forget to wear a headband or hat to keep my damn, unwanted bangs off my forehead, further challenging me to locate said dane poop while not brushing my hair aside accidentally fouling my hair or face.

After the first scoop or two, Fergie's damn song floods my mind. At first I would chuckle at the irony/juxtaposition of it all, now I just hate my own brain. Thanks Fergie, thanks a pile.


Now, in addition to this, not only do I get slightly pissy because my life is not, in fact, at all glamorous and I am not living the fast life. Much to my chagrin, I will never be up in tha club, sippin' that bub with Lady Gaga any time soon. So I think (in my petty jealous fashion) about how previously meth-addicted Fergie got to be so rich, famous and (unfortunately) influential on today's youth.

I know I am getting old(er) and cranky(ier) when I start thinking about texting language, the lack of sentence structure and grammar, the general decline of today's youth to spell real words, and the mass dependence on spell-check.

Mind you, I capitalize where I shouldn't, I will put a comma damn near ANYWHERE (I love those little spermy bad boys) and I don't claim to be any higher writing authority.

But peeps - the world is going to hell. Between lol-speak on lol cats (love the pictures, feel like a tool trying to talk that way... maybe I will get the hang of it, even though I don't really want to) and texting, 

Like - I M gettin soooo mad @ kidz who r nvr usin proper sntnces. Fergie is not helping me here, furthering this trend and making English teachers everywhere cringe.

Fergie:

Case #1: Song - "Fergalicious" - quote : 
"It's so tasty, tasty, It'll make you crazy. T, to the A, to the S-T-E-Y, girl you tasty.

World is going to hell: Those astute readers out there will note THERE IS NO E IN TASTY!

Case #2: Song - "My Humps" - quote: 
"I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)

World is going to hell: Dammit all to hell... "I'ma"? Seriously? Really? Seriously?
"My hump, my hump my hump my hump" should only ever be spewed out of the mouth of a camel. A talking camel. And even then only twice! Not by my then-7-year-old niece (to my horror).

Case #3: Song - "London Bridge" - quote:
How come every time you come around my London London Bridge wanna go down like 
London London London, wanna go down...

World is going to hell: Read all potential definitions here, if you dare. But let's just say, none of it is fit for an adolescent.


*I don't think that was a smash hit, I was just being sarcastic (shocking, I know).

And no, I am pretty sure that my curse-filled blog that I spell check every time before publishing has no negative impact on anyone, anywhere. And no, I don't have some of these songs on my MP3 playlist. And no, of course I would ever want Fergie's six pack from one of those earlier Black Eyed Peas video. DUH.
Who you callin' a jealous beyotch? 

Whatever, I have to go clean up the yard....

p.s. Sorry this post is in multiple fonts, I can't figure out how to change it in Blogger, drop down menus be-damned.


_____
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10 comments:

  1. Well said!

    So imagine how an old lady like me feels about it all . . .

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  2. omgah the urban dictionary posts are horrifying and hysterical at the same time. i got to page two and had to stop reading, though. because it's a well known fact that if you get sucked in past a second page on urban dictionary, you will start clicking the highlighted links and read the definitions contained therein for hours on end, neglecting school work, house work, eating, napping, and interacting with other human beings.

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  3. i can haz grammar?
    i abbreviate when i text, but only because i am a blabber mouth and can't keep anything short... so i need the "xtra" characters!
    although, i have to admit, i do use the following in every day life:
    OMG
    BRB
    WTF
    BFF
    IDK

    one thing the kids are doing that kinda drives me crazy? when they want to emphasize a word and they add 500 letters onto the end of it. like: whatttttttttttt is thattttttttt abouttttttttt? and the reason i don't like it is that if you drag out a word when your talking, it isn't the consonant at the end... it's the vowels in the middle like:
    whaaaaaaaaaat is thaaaaaaaat abouuuuuuuuut?
    exception to the rule: yessssssssssssssss! because that's how you say it when you are super excited... yessssssssssss! but you don't say whattttttttttt (unless you have a stutter, in which case it is perfectly acceptable, and actually a little endearingggggg :P)

    also? i was just saying to a friend that working with and owning animals is so super glamorous... so now i will also be singing fergie as i scoop. oh dear...

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  4. I may be old (although 27 doesn't seem old) but I refuse to talk like so many of these people you speak of. I will use real words and whole words. The only thing i use is LOL.. That is it.. Great blog!

    amberlashell.com

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  5. I just had to laugh at the idea you cleaned up dog doo. At the most, I would do it only once a day(because I have the opposite of a great dane, a Demon Chihuahua). :-P

    -Barb the French Bean

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  6. *Mom on spin = PHHHHHFT! Young and foxy, baby!

    *steph gas - I still don't know what a true london bridge is, but I *know* my niece doesn't need to know ANY of the possibilities. And yes, Urban Dictionary is a black hole into another dimension...

    *jess - OMG, WTF, IDK that you used those terms!!?! HAhahaha, yes, some I deem okay. Not sure what makes the cut for okay, but some of the terms are okay. Especially if I am texting in a hurry. (I am lying.. I actually will back space until it is correct). ha!

    Also - have you heard the reading of the break-up letter linked on Hyperbole and a half? He totally pronounces words that way.
    http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/

    *Amber LaShell - 27 is NOT OLD! GRRRR and lol! :-) (and thanks, too)

    *Barb the French Bean - I should do it every two days or so... he poops A LOT. I usually get lazy and leave it a week. But now it's like a test, with all the autumn leaves on the ground.

    Dodgy territory now...

    Thanks for the comments ladies. :-)

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  7. I say "I'ma" in my every day speech because I'm a little bit redneck and that's how we always did it when I was growing up. But in type, I try to be proper. I at least try to not be embarassing.

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  8. *Sarah Elizabeth - hey, who am I to judge? The terms "douchebag" and "throat punch" spew from my mouth much much too often...

    and I would also use the term... like, if I was being tough and I said "I'ma cut that bitch for tryin' to take my man..."

    ;-)

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  9. Dying!

    I agree with all of this, although I use "Ima" in my speech all the time. I'm a thug in real life, so it fits with my persona though.

    I want to cut every single person who uses text grammar, especially when it's in any other format (e-mail, Facebook, university thesis). It's probably my biggest pet peeve!

    hed

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  10. @hed - It's totally acceptable if you ARE a thug in real life. I never put that spec in the post. lol.

    I've learned that I hate Blackberries, so I have lowered myself to using "u" and "2" to save time and frustration.

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