Monday, October 4, 2010

Q-Tip Quandry

Have you ever seen a dog scratch its ear and position itself in such a way that it

Awwwwwwwwwwwwww yeah, baby..... Image Credit

I realized yesterday that I have a love/hate relationship with those little cotton-tipped buggers. On one hand, they are a necessity unless you are a ear-waxless person (you freak!) or you want yellow chunks of shizz in your ears (like my classmate Clayton did in elementary school... I remember seeing it while riding the bus one day and swearing up and down I would NEVER let my ears look like that).

Fast forward 3 years. I was maybe 11. This would be the year before the lovely, sparkly graduation dress. My family doctor told my mother and I that you should never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear. He comically tried to demonstrate.

I felt a little embarrassed for him.
Also confused.

Nothing that big would FIT in your ear, dumbass (alas, his sarcasm was lost on me. ON ME. I know, it's just... I know).

I have a new appreciation for the dog and the sweet spot. Screw the doctor (actually, I heard his nurse did just that, he ruined his marriage, and had to leave town.... but I digress).

There is a fine line between reaching in your ear deep enough to feel like you are cleaning that mother-effer out all street-sweeper style, then there is the part where you hit a drum or a dangerously-easy-to-puncture-area (or something that hurts like crazy).

My first reaction is to draw back in pain, but depending on the angle of that damn Q-tip, ya gotta be cautious. Every time I start fishing around in there, I always feel über-confident and cocky that I will outsmart the bad-ear-drum part. I'm sitting at about 30%.

Creatures as found in their natural habitat...... Image Credit

Who else, on earth, can you honestly say, would wake up and see this as a challenge? A task to be mastered -  overcome? I am so special. I know Mom, I bet you are so proud!

So far I am not winning this war. And no-name Q-tips... well, my friends, you are just ASKING for it.

This is so random, yet I felt compelled to post.

Wield those puppies carefully, my friends. The Q-tip is a wiley beast. Best not to mess with it.

Until next time of course, then you HAVE to win..... Pin It Now!


  1. Thanks for the blog award! I'm feeling so loved that I feel like doing the happy dance.

    As for the Q-tips, perhaps they feel good because we know we aren't suppose to put them inside our ears, and well, most things feel better when we aren't suppose to do them...

    Hope you are feeling better.
    Big hugs, The Empress

  2. this is entirely too true. gods help you if you enter the ear canal all willy-nilly with your q-tip. there is an art and finesse to properly cleaning out your ear without rendering yourself deaf.

    ALSO. off-brand q-tips are of the devil. even those johhson & johnson ones. like, they're a reputable company. you'd think their 'cotton tipped swabs' in the baby section would be useful.

    and you'd be WRONG. it's not just the 50% more cotton at the tip that q-tips have. it's whatever the fuck that little stick is made out of. just flexible enough that you don't feel like you're sticking a tree trunk in your ear, but rigid enough that they don't cave in on themselves during alternate applications (like cleaning out my nose. hey, i have BOTH nostrils pierced. i can barely pick it without looking like a raving lunatic),

  3. My grandmother used to clean our ears with the rounded end of a bobbie pin. She would have us lay our heads in her lap, I still remember, it made me feel like that dog.

  4. I am so addicted to Q-Tips, it's not even funny... Sometime I swear I have an ear-gasm (orgasm in your ear) and I will always use them, no matter what doctors say... Great and Very Funny Blog...

    Check out my blog @

  5. OMG !!!! I cannot stop laughing at all of these comments !!! I have tears streaming down my face !!
    You guys are hilarious !! Thanks for the workout !
    As usual Steph, you never cease to amaze me with your humour !!
    ( Can you tell I like exclamation points/marks ? ...oops...I mean !!!!!!!!!!! )

  6. The Q tip thing is good. Very good even. But even better is when you find that even with regular swabs you've still built up a layer of wax over the eardrum. The cure is to get a squirt gun with a really fine jet. Fill it with warm water, and have someone squirt you in your ear. In my case it was a medical doctor. There is a little cup to hold so the most amazing amounts of disgusting chunky stuff comes out of your ear. There was so much I was beginning to suspect it really was brains. But it sure felt good.


I get far too excited when new comments come in here...