Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Sequins & Malnourishment... Not so bad?

Okay, so I was at my parent's house this past Friday after taking my pup to a good vet.

My mother has a tendency to hang on to things. Not to the extend of Hoarders on A&E or anything, but I definitely learned from her.

That is why ghosts of dresses past can be found in the downstairs closet. I am quite sure I asked her to save some (many, all) of them, but just didn't bring them with me when I moved here. There are old bridesmaid dresses, evening gowns, various gorgeous dresses I had no place to wear but just had to have, athletic banquet dresses. Even a prom dress. And more!!! Yes, more!

I am certain there is also a 70s polyester jumpsuit in there I am dying to learn how to sew back together so I can blow a Halloween party's mind.

I digress.

For the hell of it, mom asked me if I wanted any of the dresses before she donated them.

So I thought I would try them on once more for old time's sake, we would laugh at the ill fit, and off they would go.

Now this is me, in one of my past stages of overly-thinness, on prom night with my date (I couldn't find the one with Steve anywhere... I lost all my photo albums but one, WTF?) dancing on stage with my friends who I shall use pseudonyms for (Cammie and Gloo):

Pretty sure you can see my skeletal legs in there. And I know, I know, my face is covered, but it IS me.

Here's one with my mug, and again, friends who shall be protected with MS Paint boxes over their faces. We will call them Cammie and Jlenn.

Look at that mother effing hair.

For shiggles sake, I tried on the prom dress again. AND.IT.FIT. Holy shit. This torturous, joyless diet does, in fact, seem to have an upside......

I realized that in order to get the true effect, I would have to simulate my prom-night hair, so I gave it my best shot:

Man, I wish I still had my sample photo of what I wanted my hair to look like, so everyone wouldn't just assume I wanted to look like the bride of Frankenstein that night. And I even went to that expensive Gallupi's! Damn it. I bet you an entire can of hairspray was used, and I depleted them of their entire supply of bobby pins.

So after this chuckle (and elation, I won't lie, the last time this dress fit me I was: underage, drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade in a downtown parking lot, in my date's Chevette at the age of 18). I couldn't believe it fit. I was mentally tallying who may or may not have a spur-of-the-moment wedding this fall that I could potentially squeeze one last dress-wearing in for.

But folks, it gets better. And by better, I mean more disturbing, more fuschia, and more sequined.

While mom was getting ready to head out, I found my old gem of a grade 8 graduation dress. That baby would sparkle on a moonless night. A big, badass fuschia bow at the back. (Ahahaha anything fuschia can't be badass, can it? I think it goes against all the laws of nature). I even went strapless for this grand 12-year-old event!

I remember trying on dresses in the only fancy dress store we knew of in the Eaton Mall at the time. I really wanted this gorgeous forest green Victorian-type dress, but it was over $300 (which was ridiculous for us at the time) and it required a crinoline. A bit much for the passage from elementary school to secondary school. I didn't even have boobs.

So instead, I sadly settled on the fuschia number. The price was right, and I knew damn well that no other girl would be wearing the same dress, either because of better common sense, the fact that most parents were absurdly prudish and wouldn't allow strapless, or because.. well, it was the only one there.

1992 Ladies & Gentlemen:

Flair for the dramatic? Whahh? You mean black gloves aren't the norm for grade 8 graduation?

Check out the quality branding:

You know, that famous designer? Alfred Sung Angelo?
And ooooh! Union made!

And the quality materials (nothing but the best)

And I thought the sweating was just nervousness... damn acetate!

Look at me in all my glory, after winning a shitload of awards (trust me though, it all went downhill from here... come to think of it, maybe the dress was the beginning of the end?)

So at mom's, I pulled that beyotch of a pink sensory overload dress on, and be damned if it didn't fit and zip up. I FIT THIS DRESS 18 years ago!!!

So while this current eating plan is depressing as all hell, I am running out of things to eat, even the safe foods are starting to upset my stomach more than ever, I have no energy, the nausea is prevailing, and I have no idea what to do next.... I think I have some type of wicked halloween dress this year.

Please anyone, everyone, costume suggestions?

Or better yet, vegan/gluten-free/soy-free/coconut-free/nut-free meal suggestions? PLEAAAAAAASE???

*stomach rumbling*

Such judgmental eyes....

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  1. Bahahaha oh this post is awsome! I love love love the dresses. I wonder if my mom still has mine? Although I'm pretty sure I won't fit them anymore! I think we should have a night out on the town and you should bust that fushia baby out!

  2. I <3 fitting into old (thinner) clothes. I sadly don't have going much in the dress department, but I know that feeling of euphoria when you find out something still fits or fits again. :-D

    -Barb the French Bean

  3. THAT last dress is FABULOUS. I'm serious. I friggin' LOVE sequins. Rock it out girlfriend! And you still fit in it? So jealous. I can't even fit my friggin' leg into my prom dress. Thanks for the comment. It's a small world, after all.

  4. Jody - I'll see if it is already off to a better place.

    French Bean - It was a happy/disturbed moment, indeed. Sounds like you are doing well in that department, too, though! (The happy @ weight loss, I mean, not the disturbed part).

    Annah - I cannot detect the level of sarcasm (if any) in your comment. Therefore I will shower mad love on you nonetheless for visiting and commenting!

    Stephen - Yes, you sick f*ck. Just kidding. Love you!

    From Facebook (but they didn't comment here *sad face*):

    A said: "That totally made my day! I am sure Cammie would enjoy it too. And I hope to god you did not get rid of the grade 8 dress, because i will pay you big money to wear it again in public. i mean come on....90% plastic!"
    Wednesday at 19:44

    A said: "Hey, I remember both those dresses too. I was at both occasions too! Congrats on fitting into those oldies. What's with the diet? (I haven't read all your entries) Are you allergic to that many things?"
    Wednesday at 19:51

    S said: "I remember these dresses! Steph, you've always been so creative! Obviously it shows with these choices. I wore plain black to both (not much has changed). Also, I cut my Gr. 8 grad dress and used the sheer laced sleeves as leggings later on in life. And speaking of ill advised hair styles - I rocked a fancy side ponytail that Gr. 8 grad eve. I think I have pics of all of us...don't worry, I will post hee hee!"
    Thursday at 10:25

    S added: "Oh, and, though I suppose it isn't under the greatest of circumstances, I am totally jealous that you fit your old dresses! Nice job!"
    Yesterday at 10:37

  5. I hate you a *tiny* bit for fitting into dresses that teenagers wore. Cute though!

  6. HAHAHA....I love Stephen's comment !!!!
    And, as usual Steph, you are hilarious !!

  7. Awesome. Seriously awesome. You could completely rock the sequined dress as a 90's style GlamourShot . . . grab a picture frame, biggify the hair, and pose.

  8. *Sarah Lindahl - i hate me too. Well, for other reasons though. lol.

    *BettyBo - you only say these things because I pay you per click to.

    *Jamie - i wonder what the photographer would think? I could come in with a ghetto-blaster boom box with 90's tunes and be dead cold serious. If I had the balls, I'd do it. Thanks for the showering of awesome. :-)


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