Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Evil (Skinny) Naturopath

So back in February my family doctor convinced me to attend a 'free' weekly nutritional information session in the Naturopathic clinic in the same building as her office. "It's free!" she said "It will be good for you!" she said "It can't hurt, you eat pretty badly" BF said (in front of her... damn, busted).

So I agreed and hoped to learn something.

After the month of lovely (read: nasty, but free!) herbal teas and VERY generic, top line nutritional information, we were encouraged to make an appointment with the naturopath.

Those of you who know me must realize at this point that cynical, skeptical me was on to their schemes from the beginning (I did say to BF that they will totally try to sell nutritional stuff). Also, you will know I fearlessly speak my mind and can't be pressured into uncomfortable situations by people I perceive to be smarter or in some type of position of power (you know, pretty much ANY combination of letters after their name). Stop laughing!!

SO I BOOKED ME AN APPOINTMENT! YAY! ER.... Read on. (See? Willpower of steel, bitches).

She was very skinny, trendy, well dressed, perfectly coiffed, intense. I was intimidated immediately. We then spent the next 6 hours reviewing my medical history and all the shizz that's wrong with me. (Again, I NEVER dramatize, but I still think it was just under 2 hours... I'm THAT special!). You can decide what kind of special.

Approximation of thinness and height of evil Naturopath

Her conclusion:
All kinds of problems that could only be solved by spending money on:
  • "liver cleansing" (because she could practically *SEE* how dirty my ole' liver was)
  • "candida eradication" (because that stuff normally occurs in every human being on earth, but it was likely the root of all my evil health stuff, so let's kill that shizz!) and 
  • I don't even know what else. But there was more

But it wasn't the supplements that made her evil. Oh no. It was the following diabolical scheme between her and the nutritionist. She happened to mention that I could no longer eat the following:

  • dairy
  • wheat
  • soy/tofu
  • caffeine
  • eggs
  • nuts (other than cashew and macadamia) (side note, allergic to cashews, hate macadamias) (extra edit - didn't know I couldn't eat cashews until 4 months after this)
  • corn
  • ANYTHING with sugar. Including fruit.
  • Yes, that's right, no fruit
  • beans
  • nightshade vegetables (I'm not even sure what they all are, but I was told no peppers, eggplant, tomatoes, potatoes, too)
  • Anything with gluten
I can have NONE of these yummy things! (Photo credit)

I think there's more, but if you pick up a container of anything around you, you will find at least two of these ingredients in there. I guarantee it. (Well maybe not hot, muscle-y abs, but the rest).

And that is how I started this horrible diet-change journey. It was necessary to stop the constant nausea and stomach pain and bloat.... but it's been soooooooooooooooo hard.

The skinny evil Naturopath mentioned this casually, then she floated back to her office, telling me to make a follow up visit.

Did I mention I was already vegetarian? Yeah, seriously.

I now have a love/hate (mostly hate) relationship with rice. 'Cause it is kinda all I can eat.

But you know what? I am SUCH a rebel, I eat some fruit, or watered down fruit juice, sometimes even DAILY now. I bet you all had no idea that I am such a badass.

Yup. Badass.

I'm going to make gluten-free crusted pizza.... WITH CHEESE~!

SO badass it hurts. No wait... that's my stomach that will be hurting tomorrow.....
So, on the day I was     this.close   to fainting before getting into my car, because my sugar was so low, I decided I needed another naturopath.

Damned if she didn't tell me the same things. And sell me more shizz. And I bought it.
BUT - SHE said I could have chocolate occasionally!!! (therefore she is not evil).

That is all. Pin It Now!

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