Proud Moment

Okay, I am supposed to be cleaning the house because I am a PigSlob who is:

1. messy
2. cluttered
3. mildly hoarding-like
4. easily distracted
5. what was I saying?
6. Oh yeah....
7. hey! something shiny! (focus, dammit, this is Wal-mart and the nose leash all over again)
8. painfully addicted to the internet
9. unable to throw perfectly good things out (see No. 3)
10. incapable of properly organizing donations of things (and I feel guilty asking those certain ones to come to my door - it costs them gas money so how is that helping?)
11. don't know where to send perfectly good toiletries I haven't opened or don't want any more (even women's shelters around here won't accept them) which sends me back to No. 9.
12. indecisive, often stopping myself before I start, especially with tasks like this
13. quick to get frustrated/impatient and want to give up

Okay, I'm done making that stupid list. It's depressing (see No. 13).

Anywho, I had a proud moment today. Thought I would share it with you all so you can once again say "I'm so happy I don't have her life".

I have still been losing weight (and hair) and now I am getting pain in my teeth. The latest (racist and incompetent) dietitian told me to try to ignore the 'BANNED' or 'CHEAT' list and start eating more foods because I am simply not getting proper nutrition.

SO you know what my wonderful idea was today? Why not lure a co-worker to come to the PIZZA.Freakin'.HUT.Lunch.BUFFET. And I lured. And we went. And I ATE beyotches. I ate like it was the last supper, or.. well... the first good lunch I have had in a loooooong time.

What? Not a good idea?

I ate 8 pieces of veggie pizza, and 2 pieces of dessert pizza. Oh, and 2 bread sticks for good measure.

C'mon! Those are SMALL pieces. (Note, all but the onions and tomatoes are on the banned list in my irritant-free, G.I.-friendly diet).

I returned to work. The cramps worsened. The nausea bloomed. But I expected that. Tomorrow will be rough. But I signed up for it, so suck it up, right?

I had to return a bunch of bathroom items from the renovation (I seriously took back 5 shower curtains, among about 25 other things - have I mentioned I hate making returns yet do it all the time? See No. 12 - indecisive).

I pulled into the mall parking lot after successfully stopping and returning stuff at 2 stores. And I felt it. After 7 months of vomiting daily in 2009, there was no mistaking what was coming next.

I was in a freshly paved, non-porous asphalt parking lot. There was no storm drain nearby. Even if there was, I wouldn't have made it in time.

SO the vomiting commenced. Leaning out of my driver's side door, trying to simultaneously keep the door open enough to not puke IN the car, closed enough I had a shred of a veil/cover from the public in the lot, keep my damn sweater cowl neck from becoming a strainer, and hold my stupid brown/purple terrible-multi-length-cut-hair from becoming entangled in the drama in front of me.

What a proud moment.

Thought I was done.

I wasn't.

Image Credit

In... uhhh.. unrelated news - Did you know that asphalt is really hard? That things can BOUNCE back upwards if shot downwards with enough force?

Yeah... my last post about the spa lost me two followers (that's 12%! How depressing is that?!). I figure this post should clear out at least 5 more.

But this is my life. This is the glory and the glamour. This is the frustration, the hunger, the lack of portion-control. This is my body telling me to eff.right.off. I still had to make returns to 3 more stores, on shaky legs. I popped an organic, all natural, sugar and sweetener-free mint, cleaned up with a napkin, and had to forge ahead.

"Hi..... I'm here to look legitimate and mature and make some returns. Mmmmkay? What? Something on my face?"

Maybe it was really just triggered because two of my co-workers were egging me on when Bublé came on the radio before I left. One even started singing. Then playing it on his computer. Loud enough to enrage me (so, simply audible I guess).

I say it's Bublé's fault.

Too bad I couldn't explain that to the lady beside me in the line at Winners... who kept inching further and further away from me...

Gotta go clean. BF's folks are coming into town and I have to deal with Nos. 1 through 13 now.


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The Evil (Skinny) Naturopath

So back in February my family doctor convinced me to attend a 'free' weekly nutritional information session in the Naturopathic clinic in the same building as her office. "It's free!" she said "It will be good for you!" she said "It can't hurt, you eat pretty badly" BF said (in front of her... damn, busted).

So I agreed and hoped to learn something.

After the month of lovely (read: nasty, but free!) herbal teas and VERY generic, top line nutritional information, we were encouraged to make an appointment with the naturopath.

Those of you who know me must realize at this point that cynical, skeptical me was on to their schemes from the beginning (I did say to BF that they will totally try to sell nutritional stuff). Also, you will know I fearlessly speak my mind and can't be pressured into uncomfortable situations by people I perceive to be smarter or in some type of position of power (you know, pretty much ANY combination of letters after their name). Stop laughing!!

SO I BOOKED ME AN APPOINTMENT! YAY! ER.... Read on. (See? Willpower of steel, bitches).

She was very skinny, trendy, well dressed, perfectly coiffed, intense. I was intimidated immediately. We then spent the next 6 hours reviewing my medical history and all the shizz that's wrong with me. (Again, I NEVER dramatize, but I still think it was just under 2 hours... I'm THAT special!). You can decide what kind of special.

Approximation of thinness and height of evil Naturopath

Her conclusion:
All kinds of problems that could only be solved by spending money on:

• "liver cleansing" (because she could practically *SEE* how dirty my ole' liver was)
• "candida eradication" (because that stuff normally occurs in every human being on earth, but it was likely the root of all my evil health stuff, so let's kill that shizz!) and 
• I don't even know what else. But there was more

But it wasn't the supplements that made her evil. Oh no. It was the following diabolical scheme between her and the nutritionist. She happened to mention that I could no longer eat the following:

• dairy
• wheat
• soy/tofu
• caffeine
• eggs
• nuts (other than cashew and macadamia) (side note, allergic to cashews, hate macadamias) (extra edit - didn't know I couldn't eat cashews until 4 months after this)
• corn
• ANYTHING with sugar. Including fruit.
• Yes, that's right, no fruit
• beans
• nightshade vegetables (I'm not even sure what they all are, but I was told no peppers, eggplant, tomatoes, potatoes, too)
• Anything with gluten

I can have NONE of these yummy things! (Photo credit)

I think there's more, but if you pick up a container of anything around you, you will find at least two of these ingredients in there. I guarantee it. (Well maybe not hot, muscle-y abs, but the rest).

And that is how I started this horrible diet-change journey. It was necessary to stop the constant nausea and stomach pain and bloat.... but it's been soooooooooooooooo hard.

The skinny evil Naturopath mentioned this casually, then she floated back to her office, telling me to make a follow up visit.

Did I mention I was already vegetarian? Yeah, seriously.

I now have a love/hate (mostly hate) relationship with rice. 'Cause it is kinda all I can eat.

But you know what? I am SUCH a rebel, I eat some fruit, or watered down fruit juice, sometimes even DAILY now. I bet you all had no idea that I am such a badass.

Yup. Badass.

I'm going to make gluten-free crusted pizza.... WITH CHEESE~!

SO badass it hurts. No wait... that's my stomach that will be hurting tomorrow.....

So, on the day I was     this.close   to fainting before getting into my car, because my sugar was so low, I decided I needed another naturopath.

Damned if she didn't tell me the same things. And sell me more shizz. And I bought it.
BUT - SHE said I could have chocolate occasionally!!! (therefore she is not evil).

That is all. Pin It Now!