Saturday, October 9, 2010

I'm Scared of Spas - Part 2 (Naked threesome invite)

So, this experience happened many months ago, before my most recent traumatizing spa visit.

There was this "Spa Week" promotion that included a national-branded chain (reputable, right?) that was offering this treatment where they use a roller with some type of electrical pulse or something, to help massage your dimply ass fat and help "tighten" the bottom area.

I figured, "What the hell! Why not! It's a $140 treatment for $50, and I will get a leg massage and maybe roll out a dimple or two! Fuck yeah!".

Then I noticed they had the UV tooth lightening on promo for $99, and while I felt guilty for spending money on stuff like that, I was feeling exceptionally low because of my health issues and decided I was worth it. Even if it meant less rice cakes for me that week!! (I know, I know - the sacrifices I make....)

Reminds me of those old wooden trains we played with as kids... but with electricity and shit.

So off I went to the spa, feeling guilty (like I do when I spend money on something like this) but sort of pumped that I would come out of there 30 lbs. lighter with a nice, tight ass. As opposed to this:

Note the lack of "bottom firmness"....

I enter the spa. I might have been late. Who keeps track of these things? Anyway, had to pee, used the washroom, no hand towels. Had to wipe wet hands on front of pants; had no time to seek out hand towels. This is where I think I may have given my aesthetician the wrong idea.

Spa Girl: "Hello, I'm Anna, welcome to _____ Spa, I'll take you to the change room so you can prepare for your treatment"

Me: "HI! Nice to meet you!" (me smiling nervously with wet region of pants near crotch.... ruh roh)

So I change. After being informed that indeed, I should remove everything, put on a robe and those little disposable flip flops.

I get into the room and Anna explains the butt/cellulite treatment will be first. I get nekkid after she leaves me for a minute and crawl under the blanket, contemplating why, on earth, I believed that a $50 treatment with metal rollers and some bullshit electrical pulse will actually do anything to my ass. I am not one of those gullible folks who thinks this will work.... AM I?!?

Was it just me subliminally wanting someone to touch my bum?!? Dear GAWD! I am a pervert, what's wrong with me, I should go, I should leave, what if she thinks I am a perv or something, I should... *knock, knock*

Anna: "All set in there?"

Me *gulping*: Uh... yeah...

The treatment starts, with a rough-ass scratchy brush to remove all your dead leg and butt skin. HOT!
Then there was some massaging with lotions. Then the ol' tool gets busted out. (The cellulite roller I mean!)

To be honest, I remember little on the specifics of the treatment, once Anna started her speech that made me want to hide.

Anna told me that she loved my hair and that she thought it was pretty. I said, aw, thanks. (I had actually styled it that day because I was getting government photo ID taken).

Then she said she really liked the shirt I was wearing when I came in. (Old Navy, elastic bottom, excellent for covering up muffin top).

And no, this is not me.

See, so I am sure that employees of this spa are told to get clients to feel at ease, relax... she seemed to be laying it on thick. This was a spa, not a bar.

Do they encourage employees to ask clients to agree to a threesome? Er... wait.

So, yes, then Anna started talking about how I have SUCH a great body, and that I wouldn't even NEED this treatment, but if I wanted best results, 6-8 would be required. (Spa training in effect). Okay, so maybe I was overreacting to her compliments.

Then, out of the blue, she told me about how every client she sees who has had her boobs done always asks her to feel them, or at the very least, to massage them.

How does one respond to that?

Better yet - how would you expect me to respond to that when Anna is running her hands up and down my ass (dangerously close to the crack)? But kids, it gets better, and even more uncomfortable.

Anna then says that her boyfriend doesn't care much for strip clubs or anything, but that she is always up for going once she's been drinking. That she'd even go with his friends if he'd let her. That she thinks a woman's body is beautiful.

Me: *GULP* (Still naked, still scared)

She says that she really wants another woman to join her and her boyfriend and almost called an escort service once. She asked me what I thought. I mumbled some shit about being adventurous.. just hoping, HOPING it would be over soon.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO? She kept asking me leading questions, testing the waters, and I just kept laughing uncomfortably and talking about my own BF so she'd STOPPPPPP!

Normally, if upright, not naked and in just about any other situation, I'd have checked her out, taken her up on the offer (no, just kidding), been able to laugh it off/decline any invitations and walk away. But I was naked, prone, and had electricity near my ass.

It wasn't over though. I still had the damn tooth whitening (which, by the way, was a total waste of money and I don't recommend it unless you have urine-yellow coloured teeth).

You sit like this:

On an adjustable spa table that converts to a dental-like chair.

You aren't supposed to move, and you have these ridiculous UV glasses on, in a dimly lit room, while a woman who wants to do non-spa things to your body is lurking around somewhere in the dark.

I was terrified that leg clamps were going to be affixed and this story would have ended differently.

I know, I know, molestation is not a laughing matter, but I was scared people... SCARED!

I got the hell out of there as soon as I could. She walked me back to the change room. I feared she would offer to get me dressed. There was arm touching. And a strong urging for me to come back, have a facial, hey, spray tanning is on sale (don't you have to be naked for that, too)???

I want my mommy....

seriously really seriously blog Pin It Now!


  1. uuuuh... that lady totally wanted to jump your bones.
    if i were you i would have run out of that place (still in the spa robe - FORGET YOUR CLOTHES, RUN FOR YOUR FIRM ASSED LIFE!) and never looked back!

  2. wow, how uncomfortable.. I would have totally complained...

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  3. Thanks for the post Steph - I needed a good laugh today :)
    Perhaps you should stay away from the spa from now on.

  4. is it really wrong that all i can keep thinking is 'well, was she hot?'

  5. The Anna in question had a "boyfriend?" Like, with the proper male anatomy parts?

    And as for the boob massage: "Mine are real, so no thanks." >.<

    -Barb the French Bean

  6. Oh. And as for a monetary lesson...Mom says that "what is cheap costs dearly..." ^.^

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  8. Well this spa experience certainly takes the effing cake when it come to weird and inappropriate behavior by a so-called professional. Providing spa services is clearly a ruse for finding chicks to recruit into her little love triangle. And she even got to check out the merchandise up close and personal. Yikes!
    Please stay away from any and all spas in your area. Hugs, The Empress

  9. *jess - that's what BF keeps telling me. Either that, or I was being punk'd

    *AmberLaShell - didn't want to complain, just wanted to get out of there. And still wasn't certain I wasn't just overreacting ("hind" sight is 20/20, lol)

    *Tiff - thanks for reading. And commenting!! :-D

    *Barb the French Bean - she claimed to, however I didn't investigate further to be sure. I guess she likes both sexes. But my hoo-ha was not on the market. p.s. yeah, deal = no deal for me.

    *The Ranter's Box - no spas = sad. no spas also = no blog fodder. lol. But yes, I should have learned my lesson by now.

    Best part of it all? Bumped into her at a local pet store about 2 months ago, with my BF.

  10. Sounds like you stumbled onto a 'spa' rather than a spa, maybe?

    At any rate, entertaining read. I will be returning.

  11. The key to being left alone is to say something like, "Ignore the rash. They don't know what it is but my doctor thinks it should clear up thanks to these anti-viral meds I'm taking."

    Personal space is usually restored within seconds.

  12. *Yandie, Goddess of Pickles - nopers, this spa is part of a nationwide brand that sells soap. Also refers to a type of bird. Rhymes with love. (Don't wanna get sued now). lol
    And thank you for the compliment, I welcome you back with open-non-creepu-blog-loving-arms. Okay, that did sound creepy-ish.

    *Elizabeth - that is hilarious and might have actually worked, but she was checking things out and would have probably tried to feel it or would have said "I've been looking, but don't see any rash near there"... *shudder*

  13. Wow! That is hilarious. Unless of course you are the one on the table with electricity near your junk, and a seriously creepy lady trying to pick you up.

    I think the creepiest part is that she probably has worked there for sometime. Either people are too afraid to complain, she is very selective about who she tries to proposition, or most of her clients say "F@ck Yeah! Let's go!"

    Thanks for re-affirming my total aversion to let strangers touch my body.

  14. *Tom G. - maybe I approached it wrong and should have responded with "F@ck Yeah! Let's go!"??? THAT would have made for a waaay more interesting blog post.

    That's flattering that you think she is selective, but have you seen photos of me on here? Ok. Good then.

    I got my brows waxed today and they are crooked. I've decided no one gets to touch my body now. Not even BF.


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