Elvis & The Vancouver Christmas Market 2012

Go ahead.

I can feel you judging me from there already.

I can practically hear you snickering at the assertion I'm making in the title of this post.

But it's true.

I really did leave the house and go to the 2012 Vancouver Christmas Market. I know, I realize it's shocking.

It required me to both change out of my pajamas AND brush my teeth in the same hour. It was utterly exhausting.

But after we paid $10 to enter, sacrificed an arm and a leg to get some mulled wine and apple cider, the unthinkable happened.

Elvis showed up.


I am not talking some two-bit weekend actor playing the part. I'm not referencing the on-site entertainment consisting of the woman playing various-sized cowbells alongside the gentleman equipped with the accordion. No. I mean motherf_cking Elvis.

A bit of history:

When I was a wee lass, my mother had an extensive Christmas album collection on vinyl. It consisted of THIS GUY singing all your favourite holiday hits:

The bouffant. The realistic back drop. The uber-relaxed posture. The epitome of Christmas, that Elvis.

What else was in the collection? Well... that was it, actually. But the record had TWO sides, so it was double your Elvis pleasure.

I recently found BOTH sides of this nostalgic album on YouTube to enjoy over and over again, like the days of my youth. I quite like it. My mom LOVES it. Interestingly enough, it would seem that the Hubs HATES it.

So he's been forced to listen to it maybe six or more times already in the past few days.




Fast forward to the Vancouver Christmas Market, 2012...

I saw an alpaca teddy bear I wanted. It was $55. I did not get it.
I saw a pretty Christmas ornament, that I assume must be handmade or else equipped with a high gold content, for $27.
I saw a stick with fruit on it that cost about $6.50, but hey, they'd dip it in chocolate for you!
I saw lots of good looking carbs, all fairly expensive in my eyes.

I saw a candle for $17. A single small candle. For $17.

You know what? There was no fudge. None.

I saw a massive lineup for french-fried potatoes on a stick. Call it a tornado and they will come.
My friend got a small hot chocolate. I believe it cost her $5 or $6. Not artisan chocolate, or specialty hot chocolate, or German chocolate. Just "Christmas Market" hot chocolate, at low, low Christmas Market prices.

But then my pessimism was halted. My focus? Redirected. My mind.... = blown.

On the loudspeaker, what rained down like an eargasm on a rare non-rainy day in the city?

You guessed it.  Spongebob Squarepants   Mariah Carey's horrible song on loop   Metallica  Elvis mother-effin' Presley and his Christmas album. In stereo. In loud, beautiful stereo. The Hubs stood slack-faced with his ridiculously overpriced pretzel in hand, as I danced about with jazzy hands singing along at top volume.

Our new friends (who invited us) may have even been embarassed.

But at least we got legit Elvis at the market. My mom is going to be sooo jealous.

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$400 off a kitchen appliance? Me, break nice things?

Yeah.

Skimming through the Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales was relatively disappointing. But I can tell you, with certainty, the one phrase that will make me click away faster than a dog caught looking at cat porn on its owner's laptop.

The phrase:

"Save $400 on the _______________ for your kitchen! Today only!"

Da Fahq?

Rule #1: If you are SAVING $400, you are going to have to bleed to pay for it in the first place. Hell, even at 50% off, that's terrifying.

I would most certainly sever an artery with those pricey knives, and what the hell is with the overpriced, wonky silverware? If I'm going to pay that much for spoons, don't make using a knife even harder for me, the Bay.

Rule #2: If it is a kitchen appliance/accessory, I am not interested. If it is an expensive kitchen appliance/accessory, I will (and do) run, screaming, as fast as my feeble legs will carry me in the opposite direction.

Rule #3: The more expensive something is, the faster I accidentally break it/destroy it in the laundry/accidentally spill bleach on it/lose it.


Don't even get me started on a VitaMix.


There is a method to my madness. My $15 Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen watch? That baby lasted me over 12 years, until I dropped it rushing through my anxiety-laden trip at the Vancouver airport in July. The second hand busted off inside the watch, and it was cost prohibitive to fix.

:...(  *tear* My old tried and true, that fit on my wonky, scrawny wrist. That had more spent on batteries over the years than on the watch itself...

I hummed and hawed and debated getting an actual "grown up" watch, but I was super hesitant because I know how I operate. I knew the life of said "adult" watch would be limited. 

I finally bought myself a spiffy new Skagen watch - worth over 7 times as much as my original, beloved watch from the Twins from Full House - and I accidentally placed it too close to the edge of the bathroom counter.

It slips to the floor, passionately kisses the ceramic tile, and ends up with a crack the glass face from the tryst. This happened after already denting and damaging the steel band from being so swift as to wear it while we moved furniture in and out of the house for our move.

I leave it for a few days and attempt to wear it anyway, only to discover it is now fully cracked, and fully f_cked.

I actually cut my finger inspecting it. I clearly need Playskool branded wares.

And, to quote my very own mother, this is why I can't have nice things.

So, I tend to stick with what's safe. Corelle dishes from Canadian Tire. Cheap watches from Wal-Mart. Kitchen Aid blenders on clearance from nearly-defunct Zellers. Shit that you EXPECT to break, that often far outlasts when you think it will.

In my case, quality doesn't necessarily trump quantity. When you are this accident-prone, you need to take proactive measures. If you come over for dinner and I offer you a paper plate, now you'll know why.


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Dear Insomnia:

Dear Insomnia:

Piss off.

Love,
Me


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