Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year Bullshit Begins



Can you hear it?

Everywhere, in bathrooms all over the globe, people are studiously picking up and plucking dental floss from it's dust-covered station in the bathroom, last touched when it was handed free to you at your dentist's office.

Resolve to floss!

Can you smell it?

Just flare your nostrils ever so slightly.

Yoga classes from here to every uptight yoga studio, from cheap to pricey, as the masses align their newly received yoga mats side by side. Placed so tightly together in the room, the body odour is enough to resolve to never return again.

Resolve to be zen! Be fit! Be healthy!

Because THIS YEAR is different. In that it ends in a 2. Or some stupid reason. Therefore your lame ass resolutions will stick this year.


Yeah, me neither.

I give it two weeks. Or whatever. It's hard for me to type this as I shovel my face full of chocolates, gluten-free brownies, Turtles, salted cashews, Lindors, and   self-respect   this healthy apple  the reality check that my clothes don't fit me anymore  straight spoonfuls of granulated sugar.

Happy 2012, Y'all.

I'm off to go let out a few seams on my jeans. (Yeah right, we all know I can't sew. You got me).

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  1. Hahaha... this is best New Years Post ever.

  2. In 2011, I resolved to tell a joke a day.

    This year, I'll attempt to tell a GOOD joke a day...

  3. I've recently discovered that no-sew glue. I have assembled entire outfits just by gluing them together. My only fear is that the glue will lose its stickiness while I am out in public =/

  4. I am old enough to have learned that I suck at keeping New Year's resolutions. So I don't make any then spend the year mocking people as they break theirs. It's fun!

  5. Last year the pool I swam in was empty all January. Let's see if the same is true this year. Resolutions are for the weak.

  6. Ok. So do what I do. Wear long full skirts with pockets to put the goodies in. You've just solved two problems with one stone or...er...I um,..

  7. Still funny as hell!! Nice to know some things remain the same even though it's a new year...
    HAPPY NEW YEAR KIDDO! Keep smiling and keep us laughing....:-)

  8. @Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. - Awww, thanks! I like to imagine that my pissy demeanor isn't all for nothing. Thanks for the smile. :)

    @Lost.In.Idaho - Dude, holy shit, that's setting the bar pretty high, isn't it? Well, it would be for me, anyway.

    @Gia - I'm so not brushing my teeth before bed in a minute.

    @Lost_without_a_Map - That is a truly reasonable situation. I've had double-stitched lycra fail me in public more than once, and junk was revealed. NOT.WORTH.THE.RISK! lol. p.s. Thanks for commenting!!

  9. @Marlia - Yeah, I tried to do that to others as well as knocking myself down all in one succinct post. You know, 'cause I'm lazy!

    @Keith - Does that make it MORE of a workout? Or less? I'd love to see photos.

    @middle child - BRILLIANCE. SHEER BRILLIANCE! And add a hoodie!!

    @Betty Bo - Hey, Ma, you're back!! Yeah, I wish I were kidding about the smell in yoga. Though, in all fairness, I think it was mostly coming from me...

  10. I don't even bother with resolutions. I think the whole idea is dumb.

    Instead, I'll just buy myself a new (larger) pair of jeans.

  11. I couldn't agree more, Lucky. Much easier to buy bigger clothes.

  12. I think resolutions are a waste too. Just because it's January doesn't make it the universal time to start/stop doing somethign enw. You should be able to do these things at any time of the year. 365 is 365.

  13. You nailed it! I do however have to confess that I make a "to-do" list every year! I have actually already crossed a couple items off this year!

  14. @You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... - Yeah, I am going to go buy bigger jeans so I don't feel so gross in my existing ones. Hopefully I will get to a point where I revert back to the old jeans. But I'm not RESOLVING to do it. You know.

    @Ach du lieber - No matter what, you have to feel decent in the clothes you are in. So if that means bigger, so be it.

    @Michael - I know, that's why I am so cynical in this post. And sore. From yoga. Dammit.

    @Daisy - Hey NOW! You're making the rest of us pessimists look badly over here! Just kidding, good for you. I have a to do list that STILL has items from 2010 on it. So, TECHNICALLY, I do the same thing. ;)

  15. I'm going to make a plain old resolution to read your blog more. I like this. I'm already subscribed, but I've gotten lazy. I'm going to check in here more. It's good shit.

  16. HAH.

    So last year, I made this joke list about my resolutions. And then I read it the other day, and I realized I did two of my "impossible" things this year... I quit smoking and I wrote a novel.

    But I didn't do it on purpose, so I don't know if it counts.

  17. If it happened, it counts. There isn't anyone else that quit smoking for you, and I'm pretty sure you aren't going to find anyone else's fingerprints on your keyboard. So it counts.


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