Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Holy Shit, BC spiders. #iwantmymommy

Holy hell, Batman.

I want to take you back in time for a moment. Imagine a young, lethargic, hopeful, bedwetting me.

I was young (once), and I wanted to hang out with my sister and her boyfriend. Said boyfriend (who may or may not have been a car thief, who am I to judge?) brought over a movie to watch.

ME: Neato Bandito!

And I was invited to watch with them.

ME: Wowzers! Totes cool!

And so I watched. And I regret that shit to this day. The movie?

SOMEONE GRAB THE RAID!!!! Don't let the pretty pastels fool you. This movie has scarred me for life. (Image via)

I checked every ceiling corner of every room that I entered for at least the next decade. No word of a f_cking lie. I would get goose bumps and freeze if there was even one small spider in a corner.

Eventually, I grew to be able to squash the smaller ones with a shoe or kleenex box. Go ahead and snicker at the overkill, but I am NOT taking any risks with bites or rogue spiders skittering across my shaking hands!

Then we moved to BC. To a house with a lot of cracks and nooks and crannies.

And this:

"Good morning!

How are we doing today?

Gonna have some cereal are you? Yes?

Let me scare the shit out of you and reduce your appetite!"

Holy hell, Batman.

My mind's immediate interpretation of the scenario:

"Grrrrrrr RARRRR! THTHSSSS! Rawr, Rassum, Frassum, RALARRAGHSHFGHG!  Heeey... nice toaster."

Screaming ensued.

My dogs are TERRIFIED of me right now.

I don't know how I am gonna do this... and once the rain comes...


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  1. ahhaha, we live in BC, and yes, those spiders FREAK ME THE HELL OUT. They're all over the place! In my room! IN. MY. ROOM.

    and I let some stupid person one time tell me about how spiders crawl into human mouths when we fall asleep.. and OH MY GOD.

    Sorry in advance for the nightmares.

    1. @The Management - Your haunting comment (along with a killer headache) kept forcing me awake last night, terrified one of those f_ckers was going to end up in my mouth.

      It would CHOKE me.

      Thanks for the increased paranoia!

      Is your house older? Think it makes a difference for the spiders? I can't take it, I'm going (more) bonkers.

  2. I fucking hate spiders. Hate. Them.

    My super power is being able to spot every spider within a 20 yard radius.

    And I did OK with that movie up until the point where my uncle tossed a toy spider on my lap while watching it. That jerk.

    1. @Leauxra - I would have gone catatonic if someone threw a spider at me. One of my old co-workers used to mind-freak me by leaving out those fuzzy velvet Halloween spiders. I may have screamed in the office more than once. Nothing like REALLY making myself stand out as the only woman in there...

      And I think we share a super power. My only problem right now is the night time. Can't see them as easily.

  3. I hate spiders. I actually had to look at and dissect some in a zoology class in college. My lab partner was supposed to put said dead spider in a dish I was holding and said lab partner sorta-kinda dropped the damn thing and I screamed like a little girl and jumped back 10 feet. The professor said, "It's dead, you know." I had to deal with snickers from the rest of the class for the rest of the semester. I hate spiders.

    1. @J.Day - I feel your pain. My Hubs asked me if it helped if I knew they wouldn't hurt me. IT DOES NOT. Logic plays no prominent role in this whole thing.

      PLUS, they CAN bite you. And they do. And it can be nasty!

      Was it a tarantula-like spider? *shudder*

  4. I guess I won't tell you about my buddy with the 7 legged tarantula he calls Stumpy. Their fur is very soft. Besides, spiders are your friend, they eat bugs. If I see a spider indoors I will try to rescue it from the cats.

    Now, clearly someone has not told you about the true horror of living in BC. Slugs the size of Airstream trailers, or nearly that. Not so shiny though.

    1. @Keith - I want to love all beings. I just can't with spiders. And the brand in this house run TOWARD me at full, furious pace when I try to crush them, so I'd say they are super-evil Kamikaze spiders.

      You are much braver than I. I commend you. I bet the cats get angry with you.

      At least the slugs aren't blinding then, being less shiny. lol. I think I found a dead one in the laundry room. I thought it was a tiny turtle at first, but on re-inspection (after your comment) it looks like a massive slug.

  5. I have a whole post on spiders too...OH MY GEEE....the worst ever. I hate them. Hate them HATE THEM! I considered drinking Raid and peeing everywhere around my house. Somehow I don't think that will work as well as I think so I'm sidelining that idea for awhile.

    1. @Ducky - Nice. If you happen to develop a poison-resistent tummy and you successfully pull off the Raid-Peeing, let me know. I will SO DO IT, if it's proven effective :) .

      I wish these spiders were actually afraid of humans, but they are not. They charge towards me. I'm screwed.

  6. Oh my gawd!!! I laughed so hard at this post(and the hilarious comments)!
    Thanks for making my day!
    So, Little Miss Muffet, did you ever have your bowl of curds and whey/cereal?

    It sounds like coming to B.C. for a visit will be a new fad diet for me.
    Ginormous spiders and slugs the size of Airstream trailers??? (cute)
    Yeah...pretty sure I won't be eating or sleeping much...lol
    But I will be there for moral support and spider-killing duty!!!

    1. @Betty Bo - I had my cereal, but didn't quite enjoy it as I spun my head 360 degrees for the next two hours, trying to spot the next spider.

      I fear an air attack may be their next strategy. I think they are procreating in the scary closet in the basement (which I will not enter... EVER).

      Can always count on Ma for spider killing duty/critical Adult child protection services.

  7. Lol - I like your interpretation of the spider and it's arachno-language.

    Speaking of Arachnophobia- When I was in elementary school, a girlfriend of mine had a birthday slumber party. Her mom took the lot of us girls to the drive-in movie to see who-knows-what. All I can remember from that night is 1) that all of us 10 year old girls rode to the drive-in tucked under a cab in the bed of a truck, and 2) Arachnophobia was playing on the large screen next to ours. Not great planning on that mom's part.

    1. @You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun - I suppose I SHOULD give it props for liking my toaster. So long as none of them hide in there.

      I can't believe a gaggle of giggling 10 year old girls didn't get busted at the drive in! Just her mom, alone in her truck, goin' to see a movie. Nothing to see here, movie-entrance-fee-taker-person. Move along.

      Spiders on a screen that size would make it that much worse... eeeeeeek!

  8. WELCOME TO BC!!!!!

    And um ya, we have spiders. I just run and scream and let someone else deal with them. Works every time.

    1. @Carmen - Why, thank ye!

      The problem is that if I am home with just the dogs, they won't deal with the spider. And I can't risk it scurrying away and attacking me later in my sleep.


      I hate spiders!

    2. WHAT A BUNCH OF SELFISH DOGS!!!!! *snicker*

    3. @Carmen - My dad suggested trying to apply peanut butter on the spider, from a safe distance, to engage the dogs. lol.

      Could you imagine if I tried it, and it ran into me and stuck to me.. covered in PB? BLAH.

  9. OMIGOD. I rememeber that movie.. That.is.all. I hate hate hate spiders and am seriously regretting stopping by your blog today ;)

    1. @Hey Monkey Butt - I really should have put a spider disclaimer at the top. I actually have relatives that can pass out if they see certain spiders or snakes.

      Just be glad that you aren't me and that you aren't sharing a house with these Kamikaze bastards. ;)

  10. Uuuuuuuuuugggghhhh. Just got a massive shiver. I hate spiders. I won't go in a room until someone gets rid of it for me. I was on holiday in France this Summer and all the spiders in the house were in my room >:( I was not a happy bunny :P x

    1. @Althea - In the bedroom is the WORST place for spiders. Well, that and being in food. Or hiding behind the goddamned toaster.

      I didn't even want to look at my own blog because every time I see the picture, I shudder and feel extra nauseous.

  11. Ho.ly.Fuck.

    I would have crapped my pants. That is a big mofo spider. I can't decide if I think you're brave or crazy for getting close enough to take a picture of it. That thing would make my daughter cry. Seriously. *shudder*

    1. @nagzilla - I love your articulation. That is exactly how I said it, after I screamed my fool face off.

      I did cry a little, no lies. I was actually terrified to take the photo and have it scurry away while I took of the lense cap, but I knew no one at home would appreciate my terror without photographic evidence.

      At least the camera was sitting close. lol.

  12. A couple of friends of mine, upon returning from Australia said that out in the country, they leave the spiders alone. Why? Because they have so many bugs.

    I do not think you'd like Australia.

    In California, we have a lot of black widows. But one day, rather than kill one on sight, like I always had, I let it live. They are very shy. They do not roam about. They seek hidden places. I kept an eye on her. A few days later she died on her own. After that, this same thing happened three times. I concluded that by the time you see them, they are at the ends of their life cycles.

    But the ones you DON'T see... MWAH HAH HAH! (That's my evil laugh.)


    PS I finally met a California girl who did NOT say, "You know, the black widow eats her mate after sex." We are still together.

    1. @Rick - I had to look it up to see if it could kill you... dear lord and we almost moved to California!!

      If I knew it could bite and hurt me, I would not be able to give it the benefit of the doubt and let it live. I am too chickenshit for that.

      And very glad you found a mate that did not pull out that winning line. ;)


      Courtesy of Kidzworld:

      Treating a Black Widow Bite

      The bite itself looks almost like a bullseye - a lighter area surrounded by a red circle. Within the first two hours of being bitten, severe cramps and muscle pain will develop in the stomach. Other symptoms might include weakness, vomiting, sweating and increased blood pressure. Sometimes the spider won't inject any venom and in that case, you won't present any symptoms. The best thing to do if bitten by a black widow is to immediately wash the wound with warm, soapy water. If symptoms do not go away, you should seek medical attention immediately.


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