I ate Mozart's balls

It was my HUSBAND's idea! He's freaky like that, yo.

They were gluten-free. That was a nice surprise.

They smelled pretty good, too, which is quite a feat for the balls of a man who has been dead for 221 years.

How could I resist? Look at this face:

How seductive. Who knew that Mozzie had such bedroom eyes?

They came direct from Austria. I think. I didn't really listen to what was being said, I just started eating them with reckless abandon.

I can only imagine the number of folks who will be disappointed in this post.

Here, to make you feel better, I've included something shiny. (What?!? It always works for me!)

Come taste my balls. They have a subtle cherry flavour. No, really.

Not as amusing as Pete Schweddy balls, but it'll do, pig. It'll do. Happy Sunday.




My mouth is watering, just thinking about it.... BWAHAHAHA...
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I Hate You Wal-Mart

But it won't stop me from buying from you. And hating myself for it. (Maybe it's my lack of self control/restraint that I hate? Noooo, no, it must be Wal-Mart).

Why is it that I can never - I REPEAT - never ever leave you without spending a minimum of $50? I go in for spinach and laundry detergent and I leave with a cartful of shizz and I am typically $80-$120 poorer.

What's that you say? Just don't get a cart? I've tried that approach, and in the end my arms are totally overwhelmed, I am even crankier, and I ultimately have to grab a basket (that then becomes overfilled and exceptionally heavy) and balance all my crap until I give up and go to the checkout.

Image Credit

I just came from there. I went in for a dog/nose collar contraption that works for Schultz. It costs $8.94. I walked out of there with two bags and a charge of $56 on my handy dandy Visa.

I even promised myself that I would ONLY BUY THE DOG LEASH. But you know what I did?

I saw a bag of chips 'anniversary sale' priced. They were the yummy, super-salty wavy ones in the red bag, with questionable vegetable oil. They were the BIG size! They were only $2.50! It was 2:00pm and I hadn't eaten since 7am! My hunger won.

I opened those bad-boys up and started eating some in the store. Sooooo not classy. If an employee saw me, they had the full and complete right to bitch-slap me right there for opening up greasy food and walking around their store. I am sure that if I had passed a mirror the sight would have been so repulsive I would have...

I digress.

I thought I wrote salty baldness for a second there.... Image Credit

 

So I meandered to the FAR BACK CORNER of the store to get the dog thing. I saw a big thing of detergent on sale. I forged ahead (But the price is so good! You didn't get a cart, dumbass and that thing is heavy! It says it is biodegradable after 90 years, that's good, right?! No - dog collar, dog collar, dog collar).

I may have weaved a path through the shoe department. Maybe, maybe not.
Of course I did.

And the funny thing? I didn't even want to look at shoes. I don't need any more shoes. At that moment (it was fleeting, no worries) I didn't even WANT shoes.

These blistery shoes turned me off shoes for, like, a week. It was that traumatizing.

I made it to the pet section. It felt like a small victory. But folks, I had to turn around and make it allll the way back to the register.

That means I had to pass:

the stationary section (I've been needing a little foldy thing for receipts in my purse so I will just scroll every single aisle here to see if something could work.... nope, but oooh! Multiple-coloured pens on clearance! That seems like fun! Pens are fun!),

the glass food storage containers (I am always seeking out the latest clearance because I am becoming more and more afraid of plastic and leaching and health concerns by the day... and yes I am crazy, thanks for asking),

coffee tables (my friend needs a new one and I thought maybe I could get her a cute little one, then I thought that she likely has nicer taste than wood laminate and that who the hell was I to try to design her living room for her because I have terrible taste and what was the rest of her decor anyway? Thus..... I moved on),

shower curtain stuff (we finally picked one out of the 82 that I purchased, but it needed a liner... so... did you know that Wal-Mart has a shitload of liners? I perused and hummed, and might have even hahhed. Then bought 3 so BF could choose which one he liked the best. I'm so sweet. Either sweet or irrationally indecisive).

And that is another post in itself.... I am a buyer-with-the-full-intent-of-returning-at-least-one-of-something-after-shopping-if-not-more (sorry ♥ Vicki ♥, please don't hate my kind.. or... well, at least me. I always keep my receipt and never open the stuff!!).

So I left with chips, 3 shower curtain liners, multi-coloured pens, something else I've forgotten, and some other random thing. For $56.

Oh yeah, and the dog collar.

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