Saturday, April 28, 2012

I Need To Trim My Bush

12 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
It's getting all hairy and out of control.

For real.

It could probably scratch out the eye of a child or dog in its current state. Not that children are typically near my bush.

See for yourself:


You should see it post-butchering... I mean... post-trim. I think it looked better here.


Get your mind out of the gutter and stop thinking about my bush.


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Thursday, April 26, 2012

Dear Dundas

4 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
Dear Dundas, Ontario,

Why are there no motherf_cking mailboxes anywhere?!


I drove in circles and couldn't find a one. (Not the same circle, that would just be stupid.)

Oh mailboxes, mailboxes wherefore art thou? 



My mail-sendingly-challenged self.

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Monday, April 23, 2012

Disappointment: Now Less Fattening

16 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
I love me some avocados.

Like, to the point of mashing them on my gluten free toast every morning, even though they pack about 25grams of fat into one little bastard. And even if they are not even remotely ripe. I just rip the sh*t out of the bread and still try to mash away.


They keep getting more and more expensive at the grocery store, but I needed my fix, so I bought a bunch at full price.

I opened one of those babies up... to see this:

Perhaps it's the universe telling me to STOP EATING SO MANY GODDAMNED AVOCADOS?

Now, I know you probably don't give a rat's ass, but that is a pretty crappy pit-to-actual-edible-avocado ratio.



I feel so ripped off. I guess I should be glad there was less fat in my belly?

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Sunday, April 22, 2012

Easy Bean Salad Recipe (gluten free, too)

3 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
This was inspired by my excessively expensive bean salad purchase from a few weeks ago, and a new commenter on the blog. No, this isn't a food blog. Shush.

Here's a super easy (gluten-free) bean salad recipe that I made with my mom-in-law.

Upside down garlic infused olive oil with salt and pepper.

You can do it, too. Or not. It's not like most of you came here for a recipe, right?

1/2 can drained and rinsed chick peas
1/2 can drained and rinsed black beans
(or a full large can of mixed beans. Go nuts.)
2-3 cups cooked quinoa (it's gluten-free, super cheap at bulk food stores, and takes 15 minutes to cook... even *I* can do it) Also? Avoid looking like an idiot at the store by properly pronouncing it as KEEN-WAH. not Quinn-Oh-Ah.
2/3 of a red, orange or yellow bell pepper, chopped
15-20 halved cherry tomatoes (or just chop up a regular tomato, but it will be more wet)
As much cucumber as you want
1/4 - 1/2 sliced up avocado
1 medium shaved/grated carrot (it's too crunchy if it's just sliced)
1/4 red onion, chopped (optional, don't use it if you hate onion or your husband does. lol)
sea salt (or regular salt) to taste
black pepper to taste
whatever the heck else you feel like seasoning it with

Almost done this bean salad. I added in another 1/4 avocado, some more salt and grated carrot. Just waiting for the quinoa to finish in my rice cooker. (I'm lazy like that, yo). p.s. I don't know why blogger is rotating my photos, and I don't know how to fix 'em.   

Dress it with:
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil (or whatever oil you have in your cupboard; Me and my judgy organic extra virginous oil are not judging you. *snickers at industrial vat of vegetable oil in your cabinet*)
2-3 cloves of garlic (allow to steep in the olive oil for an hour or so, if you can)
Lemon or lime juice to taste

Remember me? Don't be a sucker.

There are a ton of variations on the dressing, including adding in cider vingear, orange juice (not worth the sugar, really), and other stuff. Knock yourself out. But not literally, if you're cooking on the stove. Duh. Add whatever veggies make your tummy happy. Or your bowels. Or both. We all need some loveable roughage in our lives.

Be warned that most tamari sauces, malt vinegar, and lots of other mixes contain GLUTEN, because that sh** is in EVERYTHING. The simpler the ingredients, the better.

Be further warned that if you are not a big fiber-eater, your tummy might have something to say about all these beans the next day. Just sayin'.


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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Upside Down Cake... Er... Life

23 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
So right now you could say that my life is in a period of transition.

No, I am not pregnant.

No, I am not moving.

No, I am not dying.

No, I won't elaborate.

What I will tell you is that my anxiety is in full bloom, working overtime, and my feeble little brain is having a hard time just getting through daily life as a normal, kempt human being.

F_ck you, Blogger, I decided that kempt is a word, if unkempt is one.

Anyway, I've been travelling a little. I've been looking at my house and realizing how little we've done to maintain, upkeep, NAY improve the house since our descension onto this lovely little street with 3 dogs and 1 cat over the years.

Also? I think that decension is the wrong word there, but who cares.

Spring cleaning = unsurmountable.

Have you ever gone a long, long time without cleaning your house, only to have company come and experience a cleaning blitz like no other to prepare for their arrival? Where you hope they won't spot that pesky dog-vomit stain on the carpet... the chewed up baseboard, or the fact that your front entranceway is missing a few tiles?

I find it sad, but so true, that we get so used to seeing our surroundings day to day, that we don't realize what might look absolutely horrifying or ghetto-fabulous to someone seeing it for the first time.

Like dog drool on the popcorn stucco ceiling that can't be cleaned off.
Stupid cluttery shit like those candles you bought at Winners for $4 about 10 years ago that are collecting dust on dollar store metal plates.
The ever-expanding collection of elephant knick knacks and carvings that have somehow overtaken your shitty IKEA wall unit.

You know, those things.

I am a mini-hoarder, so it's hard for me to part with shit like that. SHIT. (Well not the elephant and Africa stuff... that stuff is travel-memory GOLD).

Someone in her twenties might be stoked to buy those things for a song at the thrift shop... so why don't I purge? Declutter? Donate? Clean and cleanse?

Why do I have an emotional attachment to an ugly candle?
Maybe because I only have one nice candle?

The "just in case" factor?

I don't understand myself, but something has to be done to clean this place up. Laundry doesn't count, but maybe I'll start there.

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Monday, April 16, 2012

Bleeding Love: A Reunion

27 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
So I picked up my pup from the doggy boarding kennel today.

Who? ME? But I iz adorable dawggie?

I knew she'd be excited.
I expected some overzealous greeting.

I did not expect this: a free scarification and sharp wake up call.

Exhibit A:


I didn't realize a short, 70 lb. dog could literally hurl herself into me. I had even clipped her nails about 5 days ago!

Add in the fact that her paws were filthy (as was her head, WTF, kennel? Seriously, it looks like her head got stuck under a car or something equally black and oily?) I rushed home to wash that shit out. It huuuuuuuurts.

Yes, scratches and boobs. You're welcome.

Next time I am wearing a tear-proof HAZMAT suit.

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Saturday, April 7, 2012

Kijiji is a little terrifying.

14 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
For any of you who aren't cheapskates who like to avoid the hassles and bullshit that accompany trying to sell anything on eBay, I'd like to introduce Kijiji. The cheap bastard's way of posting classifieds.

I sold my old car on there once. It seems like an easy option. I mean - who reads the real newspaper anymore? I don't. (Then again I avoid all news for that matter, so maybe lots of folks read the paper and I am just incredibly out of touch...)

I just tried to post a wanted ad, and lo and behold the f_ckers deleted my ad. And it wasn't even because I was seeking this:

Never underestimate the power of punctuation. And my crazy, overtired imagination. (Anyone else picturing zombie babies? No? Just me?)

Kijiji and eBay just piss me off.

Oh, happy easter bunny crucifixion day, too. Don't want to be rude and overlook that.

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Monday, April 2, 2012

Songs That Move Me (3)

1 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
Just watched the Pearl Jam documentary "20".

Stay with me.
Let's just breathe.

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