Thursday, November 18, 2010

Sparkling Clean Colon?

WARNING: The following post is not intended to be viewed by anyone with class, anyone who is easily offended, or by those who do not appreciate toilet humour. That is all.

Not only am I on my way to a sparkling clean colon, I may opt in to the buff and wax, and THAT, my friends, will surely be a treat after all this... purging (so to speak).

MY MISSION: (should I choose to accept it): ... And I quote, "pass a bowel movement clear enough to read a book through". (Gotta love the doctor's honesty).

MY METHODOLOGY: Take laxatives and drink 4 litres of the equivalent of Mr. Clean All-Purpose Bowel cleaner, but with a vanilla-over-chemical-over-salt flavouring. (See steph, see how I used litres with an "re" and flavouring with an 'ou'? I am soooo Canadian, eh?) 

  • Do not, under any circumstance, think you can work for any amount of time during this process. You + Your Toilet = BFFs forever.
  • Wear elastic waisted pants. Pants with ties (which are the only kind that fit these days, unless a belt is involved, which only adds additional hurtles to overcome on my way to the facilities) can severely inhibit your ability to drop trou in sufficient time.
Your enemy on this quest.      (Image Credit)

  • Do not disillusion yourself with the idea you can pass gas at ANY point after you start the liquid. The key word here is liquid. It's ALL liquid from here, baby.
  • Do not think you can "live blog" and update. You will accomplish nothing but fits, starts, and sharts.
  • 250 mL is a goddamn lot to drink every 10 minutes. Instructions read "you may feel nausea or a feeling of fullness."... 4 litres in my stomach? Yes... full and nauseous is an understatement, you pricks.
  • Despite the fact you drink 250 mL SIXTEEN FREAKIN' TIMES, please realize this is not a delicious drink, and please, for the love of all things not disgusting, don't suckle/siphon in the liquid from your upper lip after chugging your chemical-liquid-poo-inducing mixture. It still tastes awful. It's not like chugging Coke. So... just... don't.
  • Don't describe the colour transitions of your "adventures" to your BF. He will not be interested and may, in fact, be severely repulsed. He may leave the house. He may not return.
  • Don't forget to use the stove timer to remember to drink the horrid shit-liquid every 10 minutes. Be sure to curse and comment every ten minutes how quickly that last ten minutes just passed. Even if it is only to yourself and your dog since your BF has vacated the premises.
  • Suppress, with every living cell in your being, the urge to vomit, or you will be back to the pharmacy getting more Mr. Clean - Bowel Edition. And drinking more than 4 litres. (You DO NOT WANT. Trust me).
  • Remember which line you are drinking to (it's not that hard, there are only 4). I think I doubled up twice, by accident, because I couldn't keep that simple rule straight.
  • Turn up the furnace, put on a hat/toque/balaclava. Add another sweater and a hood. Put on slippers, as long as they do not impede your ability to sprint to the washroom. You will be shivering due to large amounts of cold liquid, huge amounts of loss of bodily contents, and dehydration onset. Stay warm, my friends.
  • Do treat yourself you the most luxe toilet paper available on the market (I say this should apply any day). Your butt will thank you big time.
So sooooooothing.       (Image Credit)
  •  Damnitalltothell... timer is going off again... 2 more cups to go....

What nightmares are made of.

My colon better damn well sparkle after all this. The doctor had best be blinded by the shiny reflection, or else I will be PISSED when I wake from the anesthetic.

 Colon cleansing at its best.
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  1. So did I miss a post, is this something you've been planning to do? I am intrigued. And not because I am into poop. Because I am not.

    But I am intrigued because I think it is something my uhh.. err.. 'system' could benefit from.


  2. GOLIGHTLY!! GAHHHHHHH!!! *shakes from PTSD flashbacks* I remember having to drink the "horrifying shit-liquid" back when I had my first bout with colitis. Holy crap. That stuff should be used to torture war criminals.

    Fun Fact: If you drink that stuff while hooked up to a heart monitor, you can watch your heart rate jump up and down. Oh, hells yes. Goooood Times.

    Stay Strong, StephC, stay strong.

  3. omg that sounds horrifying. i don't like to think about my colon. i am thouroughly intruiged about having poop clear enough that you can read through it.

    please, don't read the rest of my comment if you have a weak constitution.

    does he literally mean you will have clear shit? like, you will barely be able to see it bobbing around in the toilet? and will this be, ah, formed poop? you know, proper? or will you basically be shitting water?

  4. I'm with SD...did I miss something?? Why are you doing this??

    This sounds a LOT like the first three days after my galbladders surgery. I would never wanna go through this voluntarily.

  5. *Simple Dude - not by choice, by doctor's orders to prep for a test tomorrow. Get the full knock-out and a bunch of strangers get to look up my bum hole while I am passed out. Should be good times.

    *Yandie, Goddess of Pickles - aha! A woman in the know. 'Twas not Mr. Clean, but "Klean Prep" a.k.a. "Lyte Prep" a.k.a. "GoLytely" a.k.a. "CoLyte". Mmmm mmm good. Good call on the torture!

    *steph gas - oh stephy! (May I call you that? Probably not. Okay.) Yes, after about round #4, it's like peeing from the wrong spot. My only concern is that it is clear, yet suspiciously similarly colour-matching the Mountain Dew I had for "breakfast".

    *Jumble Mash - nopers, not voluntary. Saw the specialist on Monday and have a bunch of testing ahead of me. Wish me luck! Ooouch on the gallbladder. You are young for that, no?

  6. Your humour floors me.
    You make everything sound like good fun!
    (okay, maybe not fun...but gosh darn funny!!!!!)

  7. i've had to do this prep several times. it B L O W S! the shit they make you drink to make you... well... shit, tastes like the atlantic ocean + alka seltzer + whatever "flavor" they add to make it "palatable"
    it is not palatable.
    if we can put MEN ON THE MOON, why can they not make a pill instead of a gallon of fluid that tastes so horrible? i swear, it's like they didn't even TRY. assholes.

  8. Hope everything is okay. At east you are trying to find humour in an otherwise shitty situation. I hate the stuff doctors put us through

  9. *At least, I was trying to write. Darn keyboard needs a clean out.

  10. Oh my lord I am so happy I found your site... you seriously need to read this

    and probably this

    Same warnings you put on yours applies to these.

    I seriously think you are my kind of peeps. So glad to have found you!

  11. Does not sound enjoyable in the least :(
    Good luck with the bum scope test. People are known to say all kinds of crazy shit in the recovery room afterwards. One of my friends asked the nurse if he was going to get a t-shirt that said "today I got a camera shoved up my ass and all I got was this lousey t-shirt".

  12. *BettyBo - i think you are biased, but I thank you nonetheless. lol. Toilet humour is always humourous!

    *jess - i am intrigued that you have done this many times. I must know the back story. Also? I tried pills for something like this before, and it didn't work. Booo-urns.

    *Mynx - shitty situation.. tee hee... keyboard needs cleaning out... tee hee hee

    *Sarah With Scissors - very happy to have you! Read both posts (and a few more) and commented. Feel free to "follow" so I can get closer to the elusive "50" followers (at which time I will do a happy dance, on film and vlog it). Thanks for commenting!

    *The Empress - a friend of mine was saying the same thing. I usually cry like a big wuss. I'll be sure to let you all know. ;-)

    *Sarah Lindahl - i was hoping someone noticed that. Tanks mon!

  13. well, i have on again, off again stomach/bowel issues (sans official diagnosis) so i have to go every year for the poo-shoot inspection. the actual procedure = the easiest thing ever! all i remember is really sleepily saying something stupid like "woah cooool" as the anesthesia kicks in. then i come to covered in a sheet farting like a mad woman, which cracks me up. normally i would be horrified, but the drugs man... the drugs! but that gd prep? hell.

  14. Hey Steph - followed your link to commiserate with a fellow poop-geyser. I had forgotten about freezing to death while you're doing the prep. I think I took about 3 hot showers that day. Mr. Bitch really enjoyed hearing how, towards the end, you're "pooping" clear liquid that comes out like it's going through a high-pressure hose. Delightful. The actual procedure is a cakewalk in comparison.

  15. Yeah, my first procedure, they had the little fiber optic camera hooked up to a big screen tv.. I was pissed that the local they gave me actually knocked me out.. kind of wanted to see the inside of my colon, it sounded NEAT!

  16. ok so I didn't read the comments before so I apologize if this has already been said. However, when you said, "Stay warm, my friends" it reminded me of the Dos Equis commercial where the guy says "Stay thirsty, my friends" which was in itself quite funny due to the shit-liquid you were being forced to drink. Oh, and I may be a little buzzed right now, so this may only make sense to me. I'll check it in the morning to see if it still makes sense.

  17. *Dammitalltohell I had responses and Blogger made them disappear on me once again. Bastards.

    *Mrs. Bitch - i appreciate the solidarity in poop-geyserness. Good not to be alone. And good to stick together, since nothing else is sticking anywhere anymore (beside the camera being stuck there tomorrow. And yes, you could read a book at this point. Thanks for commenting!

    *Yandie, Goddess of Pickles - i want to be out cold for that shizz. I don't want to see the ins or outs or the zoom in to my butt hole when they start. I want heavy heavy sedation... then lots of food afterward (I am sooooo hungry).

    *Jacob's Mommy - I was TOTALLY thinking of the Dos Equis guy after I typed that sentence out. I love it that you made the connection. And yay for the buzz-factor. Thanks for commenting!!

  18. Ugh, I've never had to do this before but my grandfather died of anal cancer so I see a lot of Horrifying Liquid in my future as an adult...unfortunately. Dammit, Grandpa.

  19. Good luck with the test! I'm sure you will get an A+ for Colon Cleanliness!

  20. That...sounds like quite a drink to have pass through your system. And 16 times a day...good God.

    o_O" I have a hard enough time trying to have 2 liters of water a day! Alcohol is just much easier.

    -Barb the French Bean

  21. Oh Steph - sorry you are going through all this shit - literally!
    I puked the colyte myself just a few months ago - but with some minor revisions to the plan I managed to poop clear - and what a sense of accomplishment.
    I hope your test went well and they find some kind of fix for all your suffering.

  22. You can add another award to your wall of fame!! Come see!

  23. I'm sad to say I'm no stranger to the failed 100 yard toilet dash. Egypt is a great place to visit but you are 100% guaranteed to get the raging trots and 95% guaranteed to not find a toilet. I would have made it if a little boy had not blocked my path and those oh so vital seconds I spent deciding go for my room or the hotel toilets. I decided that I would not be able to cope with the door key and so made the dash for the communal toilets. It was a close run thing but I only manage to get the zip halfway down before I wrote of a perfectly good pair of shorts…... not wishing to labour the point but I never realised you could go projectile from below the waistline…..I also had a very uncomfortable journey through the hotel to my room….

  24. *Sarah Elizabeth - my grandfather and great grandfather both died of colon cancer, too. I am sorry for your loss. You may face this experience in the future.

    *Jody - thanks Jodes. The problem was that I started the prep so early (per his directions) that by the next day things weren't so clear... but all in all he told me "good job on the prep" (Remember, I was supposed to be sedated and not remember anything... THEY LIED).

    *Barb the French Bean - some folks apparently add vodka, but I see that as making it taste worse while being very unsafe, since you will already be so dehydrated. Plus? Running to the washroom buzzed is NO GOOD.

    *Tiff - thanks, that means a lot. Glad you made it through. Curious to your modifications. I hope that I find something out, too. This is wearing me down and draining me dry. Literally and figuratively.

    *Jumble Mash - thanks Jumble! I posted on your site and will pay it forward soon!

    *BlackLOG - i commend you for the walk of shame back through the hotel. I always fear that when travelling. Projectile of this breed is certainly a strange experience. But good blog fodder!

    *Also, I am a "referenced author" hehehe now! Linked to at THANKS GUYS!

  25. A great read! It's one of those subject few talk about and even fewer wnat to hear about. Thansk for sharign your experience and making the read enjoyable!


  26. I had known this post existed, but it didn't really have any special meaning for me. Now it does. You might not want to be reading my Facebook or blog on May 28. I'm just saying.


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