Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The grossest potato chips ever

8 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
I may have posted this before.

I can't remember.

But... YUCK.

Found in London's Heathrow Airport - a peculiar combination that made my stomach flip.
Not in a good way.

Prawn image via Chronus on Deviant Art. Also? Lol and Eeeew.



The result?

I'm pretty sure sour cream and onion trumps "prawn" any day.

Grossest.Potato Chips.Ever.

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Sunday, May 27, 2012

I ate Mozart's balls

9 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
It was my HUSBAND's idea! He's freaky like that, yo.

They were gluten-free. That was a nice surprise.

They smelled pretty good, too, which is quite a feat for the balls of a man who has been dead for 221 years.

How could I resist? Look at this face:

How seductive. Who knew that Mozzie had such bedroom eyes?

They came direct from Austria. I think. I didn't really listen to what was being said, I just started eating them with reckless abandon.

I can only imagine the number of folks who will be disappointed in this post.

Here, to make you feel better, I've included something shiny. (What?!? It always works for me!)

Come taste my balls. They have a subtle cherry flavour. No, really.

Not as amusing as Pete Schweddy balls, but it'll do, pig. It'll do. Happy Sunday.

My mouth is watering, just thinking about it.... BWAHAHAHA...
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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

So apparently I can make coffee even WORSE

10 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
Yeah, remember when I forgot the filter a week or two ago when attempting to make my usual morning coffee?


Today I remembered the water.

I remembered the filter.

I even used filtered water. (Did I just blow your mind?)

I was oh-so-proud of myself, despite my foggy head, raging allergies and general disdain for the morning.

The one thing I forgot?

The damned coffee.


I made coffee without coffee grounds. And I can't even use "Monday" as an excuse. Let's just say that the colour and taste were a bit off.

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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Google is making me think I am funny.

14 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
But I'm not really that funny.

My blog traffic has spiked the last few months, but it's mainly from Google Images where people are searching for sexy socks, spandex asses, and a few other search terms that shockingly (okay, maybe not so shockingly) bring them to this little ol' blog.

It's disappointing because it means that they won't stick around. They just take my photo and go.


Also? I decided that over the last two weeks I want to get really fit. (Stop laughing). So I've been exercising in various forms like a   madwoman  myself   myself, but with more determination and less pajamas.

I am so sore it actually hurts to type. My forearms are screaming "What the f_ck are you doing to us?!!?"

True story.

And I think my right hamstring just called in sick. 

That's all for today.

What I really want to know is if you all planted a tree on Saturday, or tipped a stripper. Inquiring minds need to know.


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Saturday, May 12, 2012

You know your day is going to suck when...

10 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
You place your ground coffee filters, with eyes half-opened, into the coffee maker... only to realize a few minutes into "brewing" that you forgot the coffee filter.


Hey, when the stores are closed and I need caffeine, a used filter is better than no filter at all. Which I just learned today, unfortunately.

Do you know how hard it is to clean out that thing? I'm still tasting grounds.

Okay, Happy Saturday. Go plant a tree.

Or tip a stripper. Your call.

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Thursday, May 10, 2012

Trifecta - Enigma


As the sun rises, the question is ever-placed but never-answered.

Will the strength come today to propel her feet out of bed and stop the tears long enough to function? Will there be a smile upon her face, will a joke or two be uttered throughout her waking hours, or will she feel trapped in her world, turning her back on self-care and self-love? Will the house be a scattered, cluttered mess when he comes home, or will the shutters be open and the carpets cleaned?
He never knows what to expect. She never knows what will change her mood, her mind, her ways. Ever an enigma, to him, but even moreso to her. Unpredictable, desperate, content, striving, failing. 

As the sun sets, and her head hits the pillow, she hopes the strength will be within reach tomorrow.

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Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The Finished Madlib!!

8 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!

Because I'm sick of watching NHL hockey playoffs, here is a madlib about foooooootbaaaaaaaaaaaaall!


Football is a favored taxidermied skunk for many cans. November is prime time for football whistles. People travel long ways to wash their favourite teams compete. Local bananas play, too. Many thongs enjoy a pre-game BBQ, and most 'Seriously? Really?!? Seriously?' blog followers get loudly drunk on gin and sex on the beaches or Coors 'Slow'. Hot dogs and deformed sheep are often slept on a portable grill. The average person usually eats 86 hot dogs over the duration of the cat. I usually pick a team based on how soft the logo is, or how thin the team colours are.

Often, quarterbacks rely on Mother Teresa to help them krunk the game. Obviously, that means that Mother Teresa likes one team better than the other. That's probably because the other team is hungry.

What? You didn't know she was a fan?!?

Every team wants to win the SuperPedophile. It's the final shallow play-off game at the end of the season. The winning team gets long earrings if they win the final phone. A lot of nachos, beer and junk food are consumed at fabulous parties as everyone watches. Some quarterbacks even manage to date super beautiful supermodels with big legs.

Thanks go to Fearless Fibro Warrior, Bridgitt, CarrieMarie, Althea, Maggi Shelbourn, blissflower1969 and Hey Monkey Butt for their wordy contributions!!

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Sunday, May 6, 2012

Madlib for fun...

8 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
I did this on another message board and thought I would try it here for fun.

You start with a story with blanks in it. From there, you fill the blanks with random words (nouns, adjectives, etc.)

Post your response in the comments with the corresponding number, and I will edit the post with the final Madlib when we're done. Don't forget you can post a comment anonymously.

Tee hee.

  1. noun
  2. plural noun
  3. plural noun
  4. verb
  5. plural noun
  6. plural noun
  7. adverb
  8. beverage
  9. adjective
  10. plural noun
  11. past time verb
  12. number
  13. noun
  14. adjective
  15. adjective
  16. religious person/religious God
  17. verb
  18. adjective
  19. noun
  20. adjective
  21. adjective
  22. pieces of jewelry
  23. noun
  24. type of food
  25. adjective
  26. adjective
  27. body part
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Friday, May 4, 2012

Mirrors = Love & Hate

14 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
So, I was thinking last night...

I have a love-hate relationship with mirrors.

Why do I hate mirrors, you ask? (Okay, you didn't ask, but play along, okay?)

I hate seeing my reflection. I know you are supposed to look in the mirror before you leave the house to ensure your look is only mildly hobo-esque instead of full on hobo. It's either that, or something to do with accessories, which I rarely add. I find it throws off my hobo style. No, not Soho style. Not bohemian style. My hobo style.

I prefer to just assume things fit and that all is well, then look in a full length mirror (likely after the point of no return, because I am already way late, OBVS) and discover that I actually look super shitty.

Mirrors also let me see all the great stuff I can pick at or pluck at on my face. That's a bad thing, my friends, especially if I am anxious. Snap. Yank. Crackle. Pop.

Why do I love mirrors?

Driving, thankGAWD.

And in the gym. Not to look at my slowly-bloating self over time, realizing I should be AT the gym IN FRONT of those mirrors more often. No, not at all.

THE MIRRORS CHANGE MY YOGA PRACTICE. You know, when I actually do it once a month. Yoga I mean. The teacher mentions that the left shoulder should be stacked over the left hip in warrior. A subtle change and DAMN! I can FEEL that! And it looks so much better, so CORRECT, so easy to see how my wonky ass is different from the instructor.

Approximation of me in tree pose. I need that tutu. (Via)

So there you go.

You probably thought I was going to mention nudity or something fun. But c'mon now. We all know I'm no fun.

You know, unless there is tutu involved.

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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Holy Shit, It's May!

12 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
When did that happen?

How did that happen?

And why did I have 5 ice cream cookie sandwiches today? Hmmm? I need an answer for that one, most importantly.

I feel like life has been on hold for 3 years. Time to unpause, just not sure how to do it (though pretty sure eating my way into plus-sized clothing isn't a successful game plan...)

What are your plans for May? 

What do you tell yourself when you feel exhausted, unwell, but determined to change?

And how do you NOT buy and consume a multi-pack of ice cream treats?

Damn, this world is just so confusing.


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