Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Fisting: Now with more strawberry!

9 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
We've all seen it at one point or another.

Don't try to deny it.

Sitting, or standing, watching in awe. That something SO LARGE could fit into such a small opening.

It's astounding. It can be revolting, but it's mostly a marvel.

I feel embarassed to admit it, but this time, after I saw it, I was actually drawn to it. I was nearly salivating because I wanted it so badly.

It was huge and freakish and odd and beautiful.

Yeah, I'm sure there was no genetic modification involved in this freak at all. (And by freak I mean the strawberry, not the blogger holding said strawberry).

What, what were you expecting?

I can only imagine the level of disappointment someone is feeling if they ventured here on a much different Google search...

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Thursday, April 11, 2013

Ways Depression Can Save *YOU* Money! 1st Edition

5 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
[Quick edit: I am making light of something fairly dark here, but I am talking about the apathetic kind of depression... if you are in danger, crisis, you need help, or you need to talk to someone, please go HERE for Canadian support, or click HERE for options in the USA.]

You know, tears, sadness, hopelessness and helplessness aside, depression can provide some upsides.

It's just really hard to see it when you are in the midst of it. Positivity isn't exactly high on the list of side effects when you are down and out and chemically imbalanced.

BUT - HAVE NO FEAR! Have all the apathy you want... I mean... what do I care? I'm apathetic, too. But fear not! Here are some surefire ways you can turn that frown upside down (even though it probably will continue turning right back into that frown - but let's just grasp that moment where it resembles a half-assed smile!)

Now I'm not SAYING that free stock photography sucks, but...

Unrelated aside: I hate it when someone says a person has "done a 360" when they've totally changed their mind. That means they are back where they started and not, actually, 180 degrees away and doing the opposite. Anyway....

Ways that depression can save you money (fuck, there have to be SOME plusses, right? RIGHT? NO? Shit.):

   1. Toiletries. You will save a SHIT TON on toiletries. They will be used less often than military rations of food. Case in point:

      1a. Soap. You only use it up when you get your stanky ass in the shower. Based on personal experience, said showering can occur quite infrequently. Suck on that, Dove manufacturers! For every bar of soap I'd use up, the hubby would go through about 15. Yes, I'm gross. But if you laughed because you can relate, we should likely be gross together.

      1b. Shampoo. Same as above, but even THEN, when IN the shower, sometimes all that lathering on long hair is just SO MUCH EFFORT.

      1c. Conditioner. That shit is more rare than a whooping crane. Or whooping cough. Or something rare. Not only must you overcome the hurdle of soaping AND shampooing - you have to start all over with the conditioner. This is clearly reserved for extremely special occasions, like heading to the hairdresser (shit, I should TRY to appear normal) or you know, say, getting married.

      1d. Disposable razor blade ends. I can last on a free sample or clearance bonus pack for months. MONTHS, I say. My only real nemesis here is rust. Damn you, rust.

      1e. Expensive face wash. I use it, I love it, but again - it only works when a water source is involved.

      1f. Toothpaste. WAIT, WHAT?? You mean all that dentist's office propaganda is legit? I'm supposed to brush TWICE a day? Like, with real toothpaste and not just running the tap water to make it seem like I am concerned for my teeth and gums? Whoa.

      1g. Floss. I'm not even going to attempt to pretend here. Moving on...

   2. Long distance charges.

      Personal isolation has its pocket-book advantages! Withdrawing into oneself may be highly destructive, detrimental in the long (and short) term, and counterproductive for mood issues, but damned if I don't save myself a small fortune by not calling Grandma, Uncle Bob, or anyone I know/care for/love/associate with at 15 cents per minute!

Now, I'm not SAYING that this was on a 3-day showerless bender, and I am DEFINITELY not saying that the puppy was fully awake and aware before my BO knocked her unconscious in my arms. Nope, not saying a word on that.

   3. Entertainment Budget. 
      "What's that honey? You think it would be healthy for me to leave the house once this month? [Insert multitude of excuses as to why that would be a bad idea]. And what's that you say? It would be best if I considered showering before we left the house? Whoa no. That's just too much for one (depressed) plate. What's that you say? YOU showered AND left the house today and every day this past week? Well, that's why I love you, and clearly opposites attract!"

      You will save hundreds upon hundreds of dollars. That Marianas Trench/Maroon 5/Jay Z concert at $200 a ticket? Money in your pocket, because your shitty mood, horrible self care and unmanageable anxiety will keep you nice and firmly planted on your couch! Your partner should be THANKING you, really. That magic show? Eff that. Going to the movies? No way you want to cry in front of all those people - and no, it DOESN'T matter that it's an action movie, you will probably cry regardless.

Okay, yes I have felt this way, but clearly the stock photography place got it wrong. This woman is clearly not depressed because she took the time to braid her own hair. That's high functioning self-care, kids.

      That art festival? No, it would take too much brain power. That craft show? Too much fragrant potpourri, sparkles and sweatshirts with puff paint application. And all that sensory overload - you know, breathing air, talking to people and having to walk and be upright. Do I LOOK like a marathon endurance person to you? DO I??

Yeah, didn't think so.

Okay, that's it for the first edition. I have to pee and go to sleep. Priorities, folks.

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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Things No One Told Me About Pregnancy

18 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
I feel like all the mothers out there secretly snicker to themselves when they see one of us "newbies" coming along. Some mothers aren't even secretive about it, but I can identify the smirk that falls upon their mouths when I share that I am pregnant for the first time.

I KNEW it would be uncomfortable.
I KNEW it would be hard.

But I THOUGHT it would be glowy, and maybe a teensy bit softly romantic, and fascinating.

It is not. At least, not for me.
Being pregnant is BULLSHIT, save the reward at the end. No, not the vein-popping, vagina-ripping delivery "reward at the end" part. The part when that is over and you finally get to meet the squirmy blob that has been taking residence in your midsection for 9 months, stealing all your vitamins and nutrients.

I've wanted to write this post for a while, but kept hesitating because of friends who have had sad things happen.

Then I realized that I need to voice this toxic shit before it eats me ALIVE.

Things no one told me about pregnancy (aka likely knowingly withheld from me so as to not give me reason to never reproduce):

   1. For whatever reason, you will become a drizzly, drippy pee-er, and will constantly have to go. **Bonus points for creative ways to wipe without throwing out your back.

Ready? AIM! Splaaaaaatter!

   2. Even the most seasoned-hemmorhoided-vet cannot prepare for the carnage a growing fetus will have on your rectal region. A baboon has got NOTHIN' on a third trimester pregnant woman.

Even the obstetrician baboon on the right is shocked at the size of her arse balloons.

   3. While possibly not commonplace for most women, it is possible (as with me) to have CONSTANT abdominal pain and ache. 24 hours a day. With no relief.

   4. Throw in the fun and good times of an umbilical hernia just behind the ole belly button, and you've got yourself a freakish baby bump, extreme pain, inability to exercise or meet others at pre-natal fitness events, full-on uselessness, and the inability to do anything that engages the core/abdominal muscles. I'm sure you can all see how this is going to end well after the baby is born. Better yet, just imagine all that pushing with completely flaccid, unused-for-9-month ab muscles. Expect a horrifyingly graphic post on this come June.

You may be asking yourself, "Self, what the f_ck does this graphic have to do with an umbilical hernia and pregnancy?"... At least, that's what I said when the free image site gave me this when I searched "hernia". Oh well. Too bad. It's free, so it stays.

   5. Sleep. Hahahahaha. Propping up with pillows? Nice try. Recovery position? Nope. Side sleeping? Well, I can be on my side, but I'm still missing the sleeping part.

   6. Some/many/most? obstetricians don't give a flying fuck. You get a 7 minute appointment time, and you'd best talk fast. The best gem so far from my OB when asking about safety of medications and supplements: "Well, pretty much anything is safe to take". Really? SERIOUSLY? Are you fucking for real? Because I am pretty damn sure that is not accurate. But I'm going to go drink some Drano and take a boatload of Advil and get back to you. (Note: I'm kidding. Don't touch Advil if you're pregnant, or Drano if you value being alive. Both of 'em can be dangerous).

   7. Whining. So much whining. Hungry, thirsty, not thirsty, no room to eat, need comforting, can't get comfortable, back aches, feet are swollen, tailbone feels bruised, baby is painfully kicking my vagina/bladder/uvula....

   8. That "pregnancy glow" everyone is referring to is just a fancy term for too-goddamn-hot. I sweat like a waterfall. I need to tear my shirt off at random times because I am totally overheating. The more hot I am, the less I drink, and the cycle worsens and repeats!

I'm pretty sure he's got that pregnancy glow. AMIRITE?!?!

   9. The fatigue. Oh the fatigue. And the iron loss. I think a normal level for iron is supposed to be above 50, even better if it's closer to 100. I am sitting at 12. I can't take iron pills and I can't keep the liquid iron down. At all. And I've shared this with my doc many times. Low iron can result in low birth weight for baby, possible increased blood loss/need for a transfusion during delivery, possible increase in the likelihood of post-partum depression, and an increased risk of still birth. But hey, my OB doesn't care. Her solution? Take iron pills. Thanks.

   10. The weight gain. I was perhaps slightly underweight before the Hubs knocked me up. I have since had temporary, drastic changes in my nausea and ability to eat. I capitalize on those moments, and have managed to pack on about 40 lbs. in 6 months. FORTY POUNDS, YO. And I still have 3 months to go!!! I am going to be a tank come delivery time, and who knows how long it'll take to lose... especially if I have hernia surgery in there, too!

There's more, including reading stuff that indicates passing things larger than a mango AFTER the baby is born could mean trouble (W. T. F.?????!???!)... I just don't even know how to cope with these last months. And it only goes downhill from here...

Time to syphon that pint of cotton candy ice cream into one side of my mouth while I comfort myself with pineapple I will regurgitate shortly on the other side of my mouth.

Honey? Have you seen the antacids anywhere???

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