Top 13 Ways to Ruin Your Vacation

I'm not one to brag, but... I f_cking know HOW to ruin a vacation.

Like a champ.

Like a motherf_ cking champ, you guys.

Like, I can hear the throngs of readers gasping at my mad skills. Practically.

Here, in no particular order, are the top 13 (lucky, right?) ways to ruin your vacation:

1. Spend the 15 preceding days putting in 17-hour days with little-to-no sleep, eating one meal a day, living with severe nausea.
2. Be absolutely too fatigued to be excited/sleep properly/eat/enjoy yourself on the way or once you arrive at your vacation destination.
3. Bring a laptop and Wifi (wireless internet) device.
4. Discover that from ANYWHERE in the resort, you can and DO access internet for free (in your typical-at-home-unhealthy-addiction-to-the-internet fashion). Get sand in your Wifi device.
5. Decide to wash your only pair of pants and hang them outside to dry. See #6. 
6. Leave your hometown when it is experiencing a sunny heat wave. While gone, experience constant cloudy skies and thundershowers at your destination. Ensure you pay too much for the trip AND experience the full rain and humidity.
7. Discover that the 5-star (hahahah! FIVE stars?!? In your dreams, Breezes Grand Negril!) resort is incapable of meeting your allergy/food dietary restriction needs. Discover they expected you to bring your own gluten-free pasta/food. Commence 6 days of hunger pangs between bouts of crippling nausea.
8. Realize that a working telephone is necessary. Then realize your room phone is 97% static, and 3% sassy Jamaican attitude. Refer back to #4, and Skype the shit out of people.
9. Be too sick to your stomach to drink alcohol. At an all inclusive resort. That you paid too much for. While it's raining and you can't lay on the beach. And you are pissed at your travelling companion because they crushed your ego and spirit in a disastrous game of Scrabble a few hours before.
10. Be wholly and completely constipated. I mean 100%. Until the day of departure. Then go to the opposite extreme. EXTREME.
11. Discover far too late that you actually despise rum.
12. Have a long, relaxing, hot shower and unknowingly flood the entire hallway and part of the bedroom floor of your room. Try to call housekeeping, then refer to #8. Following this realization, spend 85 minutes trying to flush out the water into the outdoor hallway with your feet, your travelling companion's feet, one semi-dry towel and one small plastic cup. Fail at this.
13. Oh, and have your house up for sale the whole time. While you are in another country. (Does wonders for the nerves/soul/general feeling of helplessness and detachment). Also replace "people" in #8 with "Realtor".

If you need any additional tips on how to ruin your vacation, ruining a vacation to Jamaica, how to waste a lot of money on vacation, or general stupidity when planning something that should be relaxing and fun - you know who to talk to.

And if you want an even MORE painful version, talk to my husband.

Yup.

___________

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I haven't abandoned the blog

Life has just thrown me a speedball.

Not the illicit substance kind, but the "holy shit I have to deal with something really huge in a really short period of time, no exceptions" kind of speed. And ball. Or balls.

Not a curve ball, since I knew this was a possibility, but more of a speed issue.

I haven't seen my friends, I haven't done anything fun (except for my birthday last weekend, that was a blast), I haven't blogged, I've read a few emails and sent a few quick messages on Facebook.

I've missed baby showers, concerts, enjoying the summer days.
But I am hoping it will all pay off in the end.

I shall return, sooner rather than later, so don't be nixing me from your blog rolls just yet.

And don't forget to tip a stripper. You know you want to.

_______

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