$400 off a kitchen appliance? Me, break nice things?

Yeah.

Skimming through the Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales was relatively disappointing. But I can tell you, with certainty, the one phrase that will make me click away faster than a dog caught looking at cat porn on its owner's laptop.

The phrase:

"Save $400 on the _______________ for your kitchen! Today only!"

Da Fahq?

Rule #1: If you are SAVING $400, you are going to have to bleed to pay for it in the first place. Hell, even at 50% off, that's terrifying.

I would most certainly sever an artery with those pricey knives, and what the hell is with the overpriced, wonky silverware? If I'm going to pay that much for spoons, don't make using a knife even harder for me, the Bay.

Rule #2: If it is a kitchen appliance/accessory, I am not interested. If it is an expensive kitchen appliance/accessory, I will (and do) run, screaming, as fast as my feeble legs will carry me in the opposite direction.

Rule #3: The more expensive something is, the faster I accidentally break it/destroy it in the laundry/accidentally spill bleach on it/lose it.


Don't even get me started on a VitaMix.


There is a method to my madness. My $15 Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen watch? That baby lasted me over 12 years, until I dropped it rushing through my anxiety-laden trip at the Vancouver airport in July. The second hand busted off inside the watch, and it was cost prohibitive to fix.

:...(  *tear* My old tried and true, that fit on my wonky, scrawny wrist. That had more spent on batteries over the years than on the watch itself...

I hummed and hawed and debated getting an actual "grown up" watch, but I was super hesitant because I know how I operate. I knew the life of said "adult" watch would be limited. 

I finally bought myself a spiffy new Skagen watch - worth over 7 times as much as my original, beloved watch from the Twins from Full House - and I accidentally placed it too close to the edge of the bathroom counter.

It slips to the floor, passionately kisses the ceramic tile, and ends up with a crack the glass face from the tryst. This happened after already denting and damaging the steel band from being so swift as to wear it while we moved furniture in and out of the house for our move.

I leave it for a few days and attempt to wear it anyway, only to discover it is now fully cracked, and fully f_cked.

I actually cut my finger inspecting it. I clearly need Playskool branded wares.

And, to quote my very own mother, this is why I can't have nice things.

So, I tend to stick with what's safe. Corelle dishes from Canadian Tire. Cheap watches from Wal-Mart. Kitchen Aid blenders on clearance from nearly-defunct Zellers. Shit that you EXPECT to break, that often far outlasts when you think it will.

In my case, quality doesn't necessarily trump quantity. When you are this accident-prone, you need to take proactive measures. If you come over for dinner and I offer you a paper plate, now you'll know why.


__________________

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Dear Insomnia:

Dear Insomnia:

Piss off.

Love,
Me


___________

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Wedding Wire is full of shyte.

So, when I was a stressed out bride, I was searching all over the place trying to find reputable, real-person reviews of hair and make-up places, DJs, etc., so I could get the real scoop on services out there.

The best review is an honest one, so that is what I sought out.

There are a few websites that claim to offer real reviews on vendors, DJs, caterers, hair stylists and make-up artists, and pretty much ANYTHING you could possibly think of that you might want at your wedding.

We didn't go over the top. We tried to keep costs reasonable. I read quite a few sites, but found a lot of Ontario vendors on WeddingWire.com. You would have thought this was a good thing. I thought so, too. I learned fairly quickly that this wasn't the case.

I stressed about my hair and make-up, like any vain bride is wont to do. I didn't want to look like I was covered in spackle, but at the same time, I kind of wanted to be covered in spackle so as to hide the innumerable flaws on this mug-o'-mine.

I looked around. I debated. I contacted, and found that the top two I liked the most were already booked for the Thanksgiving long weekend.

Then I came across Mobile Makeovers. It looked pretty snazzy, with the "before" and "after" pictures where ordinary normal women appeared glamorized and beautified with magic.

It never occurred to me until later that there ARE things like Photoshop and sneaky marketing. DUH.

I went with my mom. I paid a deposit on May 3, 2011 for me and my ladies via Paypal to Mobile Makeover's owner, Alexandra. A while later, in September, I went for a trial run.

DEAR GOD WOMEN, ALWAYS TRY THE TRIAL RUN.

This is my face without make-up on a given day:

Dorky sexpot? No... not really. Moving on...

I have to say that Alexandra was nice enough and polite during the trial. But when I asked for a pale green eyeshadow, she didn't have it. She said she would use something close. Apparently that means PURPLE eyeshadow. I wanted a light blush. Didn't have that either.

Also? I sat in a room without the lights on or the blinds fully open, while she painted on the foundation. I cannot EMPHASIZE ENOUGH that light is required in order to see what the hell you are doing! In any situation! Unless you're working a dark room!

And after Mobile Makeovers finished my make-up in an unlit room, this is what I looked like:

WTF? Shiny. Waxy. Purple-y.

I was smiling because I hadn't seen myself yet.

Now, I know some folks prefer a more dramatic look. I, however, was not SEEKING the whore/streetwalker look for my wedding. It took all I had not to cry when I looked in the mirror. At this point, time was running out, and there was no freakin' way that I was letting Mobile Makeovers do my face.

My face after I got out to the car:

BOO, motherf_cker. Pretty natural, as requested, right? I really like how it looks like there is a dark circle of makeup around both eyes, top and bottom.

My husband thinks I look good without make-up. I didn't think he'd be pleased that I looked like a $5 whore. I figured I was worth AT LEAST a solid $250.

I hadn't wanted him to see what style my hair would be, but me and mom decided we had to stop at his work to show him just how... er... um... PRETTY? I looked.

He actually laughed. And he's a very polite fellow. I think I warranted about a two dollar coin at this point.

I ended up panicked the same day at the Keora Aveda salon in Burlington, Ontario begging the make-up artist Ashley F. to help me, and asking her if all wedding make-up had to be that thick and that poor.

Thank goodness she was awesome. She gave me stuff to wash my face and redid everything. On the day of the wedding, she went above and beyond and I was thrilled with how patient, kind and GOOD at her job she was.

Ashley F. was fantastic. The lipstick choice was my own (I bought it at Sephora two days before) and regrettably more peach than I wanted, but that was alllll me. Ashley was such a pro.

Here's the great part. I paid Mobile Makeovers a deposit, as well as for the trial run. I felt that I had a moral obligation to share my experience with other brides because.. well, holy shit, those photos speak for themselves.

I posted my review to WeddingWire.com ... remember them?

Turns out that the owner of Mobile Makeovers disputed my review and said that I had never done business with her and that I was not telling the truth.

'SCUZE ME?
The F_CK??

So I sent WeddingWire.com my screen shots of my PayPal transfer, the photos of the make-up, and forwarded the email threads from Mobile Makeovers.

They said the merchant still disputed it.

THEN, Mobile Makeovers sent me an email begging me to take down my review. She said that she would refund my money if I would take it down. I felt that was wrong, because a customer should be able to hear ALL experiences, not just the good ones.

I may have added my own tag line up there in blue.

Turns out WeddingWire.com didn't want to upset her, so they pulled my review, even though I have all of the proof to back it up. So while Mobile Makeovers tried to bribe me, turns out WeddingWire.com just needed to call me a liar and the review was gone.

So, world, consider this my review of WeddingWire.com and Mobile Makeovers in the Toronto area of Ontario.

EDIT: Just found this on WeddingBee where other brides have had the same experience. Weddingwire.com is full of shit. Look elsewhere!

I also had something not complimentary with my experience with Rockin' Robin DJ service out of Hamilton, Ontario, and a similar thing happened. Except I just got the notice a few weeks ago that I was "lying" once again, since apparently the vendor hadn't logged into his WeddingWire.com account for some time.

So, if you are looking for legitimate poor experiences to base your wedding vendor choices on, I highly recommend that you look somewhere else. You are not being given the entire picture, as long as the business/vendor challenges anything they don't like.

Happy weddings.

_____________________

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The Semi-Annual Clean: Doggy Detection

So... I hate our rental house.

I know we are lucky to have it, the yard is huge, and we had no other options for a place to live.

I get that. I should be thanking my lucky stars. Though I don't know if I actually own lucky stars, and if I do, which box they were packed in from Ontario, but I digress.

The house smells. And it's grungy. And it's got some serious structural problems and is cracking everywhere. It's the smell, combined with the aroma of two dogs' farts, that really sends me into stomach convulsions most days.

So, here my enthusiasm is nil. I withdraw into myself and don't have much get-up-and-go. Needless to say, between the hubby's work and play schedule and my general malaise and  laziness   shameful housewifery  couch-potato-ness   fatigue, the house has been, shall we say, neglected?

It's hard to be  even willing  enthusiastic to clean a place that CAN'T BE SCRUBBED. Shit is so dirty and had previously been SO NEGLECTED that it simply cannot be scrubbed clean or made devoid of the stains and spots that seem to be everywhere.

So as the MLS real estate papers pile up, the "need to file" paper list expanded, and the tables seemed to become covered with crap, I felt no pressing need to rectify anything. It was like "who'll notice?" and even "it looks better covered up", etc.

Well kids, that all changed when the Hubs let me in on a little secret. A good friend would be staying with us for a couple of nights.

HOLY HELL.

A minor sampling of what I let it get to. And the Dane. I'll let you imagine the fart/house odour.

 It's amazing what shame and embarrassment can do for a girl. I highly recommend it. Not only does it make you feel gross and inadequate, but it could make my queasy, apathetic ass turn it into high gear in the matter of a day.

The Hubs turned  me  it on. He let me go to bed early last night while he did all the large-awkward-not-immediately-needed dishes that were in the queue. He vacuumed the stairs and all the upper floor carpeting (well, you know, AROUND the stacked up piles of my shit everywhere). He gathered up all the crap that he could. He cleaned both bathrooms and scrubbed the tub. He's a good man. A lifesaver, even.

So today was my job to "tidy" up, which doesn't sound nearly as terrifying and all-consuming as it turned out to be. (Flair for the dramatic much? No, not meee.)

I did at least 9 loads of laundry. I found a pile of delicates I left because the rain started and I couldn't dry my stuff outside, so I figured I would wait for a nice day before washing it. I remembered one dress I wore to Jericho Beach and that was back in mid-September. LAUNDRY HAD BEEN SITTING THERE FOR TWO MONTHS... dear Jebus.

I washed the guest bedding, the towels, my clothes, blah blah blah.

Didn't even have a fraction of the time required to actually SORT through all the papers everywhere, so took hours just GATHERING. I wish I was joking here, but I am not.

I would have posted pictures, but the Hubs probably would have divorced me.

The best part? The dogs damn well know that we are having company today. Schultz, the Dane, has been on the lookout with hyper-sensitive-hearing all damn day.

How could the dogs know, you ask? Considering we've had two guests in the house so far?

BECAUSE SCHULTZ KNOWS I ONLY CLEAN WHEN STRANGERS ARE COMING INTO THE HOUSE.

Not only is that fascinating, it's also terribly sad.

Those two guests I mentioned? Our moms. At different times.

So not only am I a horrible house wife, I have no friends I can invite over. lol. Truth be told, I don't WANT people to see this house and its grossness. I want to get into our new house, but that's not happening until mid-February.

So, I still need to put away my semi-wet delicates. I have to hide that stack of piled papers in my bedroom closet. And I have to pretend that the dogs aren't strung out on stranger crack and hope that the Dane isn't a jackass when our friend arrives.

Wish me luck.


___________________

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Record Breaking

Now that I have your attention...

I feel like I should be posting more often, but my heart is just not in it.

Surprisingly, I shattered my page view statistics in the month of October even though I've been a slacker. I wondered why the display had changed when I viewed my stats, and I realized it was because I had surpassed 10,000 views last month. One month.

10,000.

Those stats are almost as big as this rhino. At least, in my mind anyway. FYI: In Kenya they don't seem too concerned about that thing called "liability" or "litigation" and "deadly injuries".

First of all, that 10,000 should maybe be spelled out in words, and probably shouldn't have a period at the end of it. You know, not actually being a sentence and all.

Also? That number is probably squat to most people, but I am pretty damn impressed.

I know there are lots of lurkers that read the blog (why? I have no clue, but I'll take it), and lots of misguided souls who come here via some disgusting search terms that make me shudder/lose sleep. And then there's the bajillion or so who come because they are searching for SkinnyGirl Sangria reviews. They really seem to plump up the numbers.

But it sort of blows me away that stupid images I can post on my blog, from my computer, can somehow show up in the top images in Google Image search. Of all the blogs, in all the cities, and Google walks into mine.

Or something.

I don't know. It's just pretty cool.

I started this ranting space because I found Ally Brosh so damn funny. I was bored, alone, and decided I would bitch and publish it. That was just over 2 years ago.

I haven't done anything meaningful with it. I am not terribly intelligent. Obviously. I can usually get my point across (with the unnecessary use of profanity in most cases, though I try to underscore f_ck as much as possible these days), but there is nothing special here.

So thanks to all of you who take the time to read. To skim. To care enough to peel the skin back from my face and peek into my twisted and tormented brain. Ew.

Like this, but with less skull in the way.

To those of you who stop and take the time to comment and let me know that the page is actually being viewed.

Thanks to you who know me in real life and lurk along, knowing how crazy I am, and hearing my voice tell the story. And thanks for not judging me (at least to my face) for the crazy in my mind.

I hope my mood picks up. I hope my apathy goes away. I hope some of the homesickness goes away. I hope people start responding to emails and texts from me in their real lives. I moved away, but I am lonely as hell and not dead.

I hope to be funny again, and to write more, and to keep people interested in whatever this is I am living. There are more stories to tell, more crazy things happening.

And I STILL haven't finished the honeymoon story OR the cross country story.
Perhaps I'll work on those next.

Thanks everyone.

________

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