Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Defcon Level Food Whore

I had been trying to deny it for some time.

I hadn't looked my situation on, straight in the face.

Unless said face had mashed potatoes dripping from its chin. Or maybe some milkshake. OR BOTH.

For years, as many of you already know, I've struggled with horrific nausea. I can't eat wheat without rotten consequences and Guinness-book world record level bloating. Dairy sometimes hits the "undo" button immediately after ingestion. Sometimes it sits okay, I just don't feel great. Food is a struggle. Sometimes I would eat far too much for too long, other times I was eating far too little for too long.

The first three months of pregnancy were horrific for me. Between the fatigue (couldn't do a half set of stairs without crying, usually) and the extreme nausea, I was a weak and thin shell. A weak shell with a mad carbohydrate craving. If I did eat, I had one insane, unavoidable craving and I had to give in to it or else I was the most miserable bitch ever. And I could only seem to eat after 7pm.

Then - the second trimester started. It was rough at first, and it still has many-a-challenge... but one MAJOR shift has taken place.

ALL I THINK ABOUT IS FOOD NOW. ALL.THE.TIME.

Classy shit like this should only comfort others and reinforce that Imma be a great mom! HA!


When I am out of the house, in the car, I am inventory-ing every single goddamn fast food place I pass, envisioning a food (or foods) that would really hit the spot. I will tune out conversation. I will not hear the dialogue on the radio. I will briefly consider the lack of nutritional value, then give myself a free pass because, you know, BABY.

I'm bringing the hubs down with me. He has no excuse for his newly-acquired horrific eating habits, except for the obvious Not-Wanting-To-Deal-With-A-Whiny-Hungry-Determined-Pregnant-Wife. He's a trooper.

But I am dragging him down this Skittles-streaked ditch with me. We're leaving trails of melted ice cream and Orange Julius fruit smoothies on our heels.

If I agree to go out somewhere, I am already mapping out what food places we pass, what I can get on the way home, and then I fixate on it like nobody's business. I recently went to Maui (more on that later) and the size of my carry-on shoulder bag was impressive. It was comprised of approximately 90% food products and 10% reading materials. I even planned for the return flight.

I am not myself. I am achy, tired, creeped out, sluggish, inactive and overwhelmed. But I won't be swayed, oh no.

Even the most severe constipation can't slow me down. Well, okay, yes it can. And actually literally DOES. But I will continue to stuff food into my stomach even when my brain is screaming "STOP, You CRAZY Bitch!"

I can now admit it: I am an utter food whore.

I'd type more, but this cherry applesauce is staring me down. Hey, at least it has carrot in it. 
I think.

I plan to inhale it after I finish my vanilla milkshake. Though, actually, I just realized that my sweet potato fries are getting cold... and where the hell did I put the ketchup??

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8 comments:

  1. In a just world, your excitement about new comments would drown out the food briefly. However, from the way you're going on about it, I suspect not. Those are some cravings.

    Has anyone yet dared to stand in a line up between you and food?

    Try a chipolte mayo dip next time with sweet potato fries. Much better than ketchup.

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    Replies
    1. @Keith - no one has dared yet to stand between me and food. I imagine there would be biting, growling and salivating involved (if we're being honest).

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  2. I feel ya, I'm half way there with this little boy I got... All I feel like I do it bitch and complain... Ugh!!

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    Replies
    1. @Hey Monkey Butt - I didn't realize this was so widespread! Congrats, by the way. You and me and Marianna Annadanna, and another blogger I've forgotten!

      Delete
  3. I remember the food cravings. I know one time I made hubby drive to every petrol station in a country town to find me a particular type of icecream and another time I was quite happy, sitting alternating chocolate pieces with spicy tomato salsa.

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    1. @Mynx - I love it! I sent the hubs on a fruitless mission for Lime Crush-brand soda. He was unsuccessful, but I'm happy he tried for me.

      I tend to not crave strange combos, but I get INTENSE cravings for one thing and can't focus until I get it. :)

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  4. Ah! Me too! Well, kinda. I don't like much food (more aversions than anything), but i do like chips. And cookies. And cake. And Hubby is right along for the ride! I'm almost 24 weeks right now...

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    Replies
    1. @Marianna Annadanna - I've been bad with gluten. Any baked goods (or anything with icing) just override my common sense with how I'll feel the next day.

      Case in point: About 15 pieces of pizza at the Pizza Hut lunch buffet two days ago. More of it was dessert pizza than real pizza!

      I'm only a couple of weeks ahead of you! Maybe our kids will share a birthday??

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I get far too excited when new comments come in here...