I'M STILL ALIVE

I'm just really non creative and have tried to be productive offline.

(Productivity includes eating. Lots. Just FYI).

In light of my last post, we are considering buying a treadmill, spinning bike, and cancelling my gym membership...

It's funny how sometimes I have a ton of post ideas, then a complete and utter dry spell.

Plus, I have no working camera, which slows me down. And I am too lazy to find the adapter piece to transfer pictures from my crappy dumb-phone.

Whatever.

Just letting you know I'll be back to regularly scheduled programming soon...


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New Year Bullshit Begins

Listen.

Closely.

Can you hear it?

Everywhere, in bathrooms all over the globe, people are studiously picking up and plucking dental floss from it's dust-covered station in the bathroom, last touched when it was handed free to you at your dentist's office.

Resolve to floss!

Can you smell it?

Just flare your nostrils ever so slightly.

Yoga classes from here to every uptight yoga studio, from cheap to pricey, as the masses align their newly received yoga mats side by side. Placed so tightly together in the room, the body odour is enough to resolve to never return again.

Resolve to be zen! Be fit! Be healthy!

Because THIS YEAR is different. In that it ends in a 2. Or some stupid reason. Therefore your lame ass resolutions will stick this year.

Right?

Yeah, me neither.

I give it two weeks. Or whatever. It's hard for me to type this as I shovel my face full of chocolates, gluten-free brownies, Turtles, salted cashews, Lindors, and   self-respect   this healthy apple  the reality check that my clothes don't fit me anymore  straight spoonfuls of granulated sugar.

Happy 2012, Y'all.

I'm off to go let out a few seams on my jeans. (Yeah right, we all know I can't sew. You got me).


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Awesome things to come home to after holiday travelling

In no particular order:

- A 15 degree C house
- Not a single voicemail message, and ONLY ONE MISSED CALL
- Aforementioned call being from a telemarketer
- An extreme terror of touching any and all surfaces following a full viewing of the movie "Contagion" on the airplane ride home
- A hangover/raging headache from nine shots of vodka in the Air Canada Maple Leaf Lounge to calm your pre-flight nerves
- A toboggan-esque drive home from the airport
- Discovering your new boots have absolutely no tread and/or grip, and faceplanting in your driveway/the airport parking lot/the sidewalk
-Your Wii Fit officially proclaiming you "obese"
- Finding your Christmas chocolates frozen
- Realizing your pre-holiday baking was left out on the counter and not, in fact, frozen as intended, thereby becoming ruined and inedible

Happy f_cking new year.

I hope those damn Mayans are spot on with their predictions.



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