Thursday, February 24, 2011

F-cked Up Letters: Walmart Edition

If you'd like to, check out EDITION 2 HERE, and wayback to EDITION numero 1 HERE.

Dear Walmart Bananas,

Why do you tease me so? You never, ever, ever ripen. You appear to be on the cusp of maturity, with your green tips and banana bum, convincing me that this time will be different. THIS TIME, I promise, I will ripen to yellowness and prevent the gut pain and unpleasantness that come with eating still-partly-green bananas. I won't just pretend to ripen like last time.

And the time before that.

I won't somehow still turn brown without ripening like all of the other times before.

Oh Walmart bananas, you suck. You are consistently terrible. You know what else that indicates? That *I* suck, because I fall for you every time and end up with this:

Ever-green Walmart ninja bananas turn brown without ever ripening. Well played, ninja bananas. Well played.

Screw you, evergeen bananas.


Dear Walmart Employees on Smoke Break BESIDE THE EFFING PROPANE DISPENSER,

I understand winter sucks. I feel for you (sort of... I mean, I hate being cold). I understand you have a nicotine addiction that must be fed. I understand you are cold outside.

However, it has come to my attention that your preferred smoking corner at the local Walmart is beside the wind protection of the mother-effing propane fueling station.

Hey! Walmart smokers! This is not what Aerosmith meant when they were singing "Livin' on the edge"!!

Last time I checked, propane was flammable, people. FLAMMABLE. I've heard it's even been used in crazy scenarios where it IGNITES and cooks mother-effing FOOD. The key word here people is "ignites". You use open flames beside this machine FILLED WITH IGNITABLE GAS. The goddamn DOOR is even open, further tempting fate with escaping fumes.

Every time I walk by I feel terror in my gut that you are going to blow not only yourselves up, but the mother-effing store and all the mother-effing shoppers (and that poor mother-effing Greeter).

Please stop terrifying me.


Dear Walmart Greeter,

Are you happy with your job? And that one female Greeter with the really wide eyes - are you sane? Do you truly enjoy saying hello to people and dispensing shopping carts in the cold doorway during the day to (mostly) thankless shoppers? I want to think you enjoy the social part of the job, but I would have to guess most customers are assholes.

Or, if not assholes, they are like me. Feeling weird saying hello, feeling weird being offered a cart, feeling like I am not sure if you like your job or absolutely hate it and need the money because retirement didn't work out as planned.

Do enough people smile back? If they don't, I apologize. This letter isn't meant to be funny Walmart Greeter. But I hope you really do enjoy what you do. Otherwise I feel like and even BIGGER asshole than I already am for shopping at Walmart and exploiting workers in China who ultimately give us these "rollbacks" and low prices.


Dear Walmart Snowbank I Threw Up In Last Week,

Sorry about that. I couldn't resist the urge of half-priced danishes at the grocery store and ate two faster than a slimy dude can pick off a vulnerable single woman in a dance class.

Me + wheaty, fatty, sugary danishes Proper Digestion

Me + wheaty, fatty, sugary danishes Just a hop off the bandwagon, then back to regularly scheduled programming

Me + wheaty, fatty, sugary danishes = Quick, violent upheaval of danishes onto the nearest/closest surface outside of my car.

Sorry 'bout that.


p.s. Follow up apology to snowbank beside my garage door for the same reason.

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  1. Ninja bananas-love it! haha. How stupid can people really be to smoke next to propane tanks-I'm sure the risk is minimal but still...pretty dumb.

    Loved your letters.

  2. I get the same case of nerves at one of the gas stations I go to, when they're on their smoke breaks.

    Re: Greeters. My dad, who currently runs his own magazine, aspires to be a Wal-Mart greeter, and would be, if it provided an income one could live off. So I have to assume that some of them are there for fun. They have a sick sense of fun, IMO.

  3. The people smoking by the propane are probably the same people who smoke when they are fueling up their car.
    One of our Walmart greeters has his own Facebook fan page. A really nice guy. I believe he has CP, I'm not sure about that.
    If you have mangoes near your unripened bananas they will never ripen. The mangoes suppress the chemical reaction in the bananas that make them ripen.

  4. Great post, I will have to say that the line
    NINJA BANANAS is freaking brilliant.
    Cheers, Sausage...

  5. Smoking near propane tanks sounds like an episode of Jackass. It is sad to think that there are really people that stupid wandering around out there in the world. ...Sorry to hear you yaked up your Walmart danishes but your doing so pretty much sums up how I feel about that place.

  6. I try and avoid Walmart. I rarely go there and feel funny when I do.

    It's obviously not a good idea to smoke near the propane, but If they smoked while filling up a tank I'd have much more concern.

    Bananas are a tough subject. I have bad luck with Costco ones as well, and generally good luck with my local Foodtown.


  7. Those are some messed up bananas. Weird.

    And yea I don't get the greeter thing. I used to have to do that when I worked at PacSun a bajillion years ago and it sucked. No one likes to say hi to you and they just run out of the store half the time because they don't want to be talked at. Silly jobs.

  8. Sorry about the bananas. That shit is bananas. Now I have that damn Gwen Stefani "holla back" song stuck in my head.

    I loathe Walmart and avoid that place like it has the plague. It actually does have the plague, it is called "Stupidity".

  9. I'm totally with you on the smoking thing. Are they insane?!?!?!

  10. @Jewels - Thanks Jewels! Seriously, they do it every time I am there. Summer time, too. I just don't get it.

    @Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. - I don't blame you, I've seen Zoolander, I know what can happen!! Also, I actually feel much better knowing that about your dad.

    @George - I thought that the opposite was true, that together they would both ripen faster?

    I've actually left a gas station before when someone was smoking at the pump. I was way too nervous. Also? AWESOME about your greeter! Any idea what his name is?

    @Sausage Fingers - Why thank you! I have to give partial credit to my friend Amy who called something else a Ninja poof... put the ninja thing in my brain.

  11. @The Empress - Yeah, I don't know if they realize it and don't care, or if they are oblivious to the danger? And I love the low prices, even though I don't like Walmart. I'm a hypocrite.

    @V-Tom - Anyone could come up and start filling while they are smoking... and I have no problems with other grocery store bananas, just Walmart bananas. They ALWAYS suck.

    @steph c - The bananas are just like me!?! Strange and immature. lol. And yes, an awkward job at times most definitely.

    @Oilfield Trash - Thanks a lot man, now I'm going to be singing that song all day in my head... and there isn't much room left in there! I feel bad for the employees who have to deal with idiots all the time.

    @Jumble Mash - I'd say insane or "Livin' On The Edge"!!?!

  12. @StephanieC, the real question is: if you always have problems with Walmart Bananas, why do you keep getting them there? (Let's ignore the bigger question as to why you actually go there in the first place!) ;)

  13. haha great post and yes if they work at wal-mart they are going to smoke near propane

  14. For all of you who hate Walmart, you have never lived in a town that doesn't have a department store, apparently. I have to go to the "big city" to find one.

    Stephanie.. Holy crap! They smoke by the propane tanks??? That is not only disturbing about the idiots who do it, but the idiots who run the store. I work in the safety department at a manufacturing facility. This is almost as stupid as people who smoke or talk on their cell phones while pumping gas! It's the fumes that are flammable people.

  15. Aren't there *any* other grocery stores within a reasonable distance? At least for bananas? As for the employees smoking by the propane tanks, I think their name is "Darwin".

  16. WHAT?!?! you threw up because of DANISHES???

    it's like i understand the words... but i don't know what they mean...

  17. @V-Tom - One-stop shopping, hunger and/or the look of sincerity on the new batch of bananas

    @becca - I know some really great peeps (Bloggers, too) that work there... but there are always duds ANYWHERE a person works. It's the duds that smoke there.

    @Krissy - Hey, I'm not saying I'm above Walmart (or department stores). I know they have exploit-ful business practices, but I still shop there because it is convenient, close, and cheap.

    Though I should ask to talk to a manager about the smoking/propane thing.

    @On My Soapbox - Yep, there is literally one down the road. The Walmart is just more convenient. I am a product of my own stupidity/niavity (sp?). lol @ Darwin.

    @You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... - I know, right? Seems implausible. My GI system is one sadistic, mean, motherfucker. Likes to take the joy out of eating. ESPECIALLY things with wheat.

    It ain't right... *runs away sobbing*

  18. Hi! I randomly linked from The Bloggess.

    I can TOTALLY relate! I recently posted this ( ), and I just thought you might appreciate it.

    Also? Ninja bananas! Hilarious. Oh, wait. Scary. Ninja bananas are scary!


  19. @Marianna Annadanna - Thoroughly enjoyed your post, and it looks like I am your first follower. Careful weilding those mini-oranges... you could cause a jello cup to explode!

  20. Oh wal-mart...



    You are a source of endless joy to the masses.

  21. Hahaha, hilarious. Oh wal-mart. We have a love hate relationship. I saw a post on google groups about generating traffic to your blog and look, that helped! Keep posting in groups I'd say.

    I've started following you, I hope you'll check out my blog. No pressure though. :)

  22. Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ;)

  23. @Storm. Kat Storm. - 'Tis true. So, so good, and yet so very evil.

    @TheGirlisAlright - Love-hate is where it's at these days. Unless you are getting married. Then it should probably be love-love.

    Did I post something in a google group? Yay me! I'll check you out, just don't unfollow me in two days like than Shannon chick did.

    @V-Tom - Noted.


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