Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Hair Washing 101

30 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
I just read an article in "Glow" Magazine (the magazine that Shoppers Drug Mart puts out with the odd article, essentially just showcasing all the shit they want you to buy at Shoppers Drug Mart) saying in winter it is best to wash your hair twice a week.

Twice a week?

First of all, not gonna sell a lot of shampoo that way, Shoppers!

Then I got thinking.... I just had to blow a good chunk of change to fix my horrible hair.

It was a deal for    leopard spotting bleach 2" from my roots   highlights and a  butchering  cut from one of those "deal sites" where they oversold themselves and in turn hired some random people who "may" or "may not" be ACTUAL hairdressers.

I have no doubt in my mind that Polished & Pampered Wellness hired  Coulda just been random people armed with damaging bleach and determination. One never really knows these things.

I can't be certain, but it's possible that the girl that did my hair was related to the Travelocity Travelling gnome, was sprinting through Hamilton, and was given a job opportunity she SHOULD have refused.

I digress.

The orange/spotted/leopard/hack job that resulted was pretty awesome.

Just...  tear-inducingly horrific   awesome.

I'd post a picture, but I was too vain to have that shit documented.

The hair I wanted. (Via)

Essentially, what I got. (Various Sources).


So, after getting my money back (because the "salon" was a joke and ended up COSTING me 6 times the cost of the voucher to get my "hair did" properly), my hair is now totally fried.


Back to the hairwashing... maybe if I wear enough perfume AND hats, I can salvage the white-blonde-straw that I am currently fashioning as hair, via less damage by jumping on this minimalist hair washing bandwagon.

I almost feel deceived. Even at the NEW, qualified salon, the stylist cut SO MUCH HAIR OFF, then thinned it for good measure. You know, ensuring a mullet-like-style with regrowth.... trying to fix it.

But she flat ironed it all purrrdy, and it looked reasonable.
Then I went to a wedding.
And drank far too much.
And acted like a drunkard.
And broke my toe.
And came home.
And cleaned up puppy shit for 3 hours (another day, another blog post).
And then showered and washed my hair.

Dear god, it's like a dehydrated lion. A dehydrated lion with zebra stripes.


No V-O-5 hot oil can even begin to smooth this hot, or rather, dry, mess. (You know what else is a hot mess? My comma use. Another day, another blog post).

So... perhaps in an effort to keep the over-dyed, unhealthy, over-bleached, under appreciated hair that is left on my head, I may reduce hair washing.

Lord have mercy on my pillow.
And the complexion at my hairline.


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Sunday, January 22, 2012

My feet are menstruating. More details to follow...

5 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
Trust me, there is a story here.

Just can't tell it now... tune in tomorrow!!
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Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Smartest F_cking Squirrel - EVER.

6 COOOOOOMMENTS! Now you speak up!
On many an evening walk, I noticed this small skunk that hangs around a nearby school.

He always lurks in the darkness, and me and the dog always beeline it to the other side of the boulevard/street/parking lot/postal code to avoid the stinkrafuge that his angry butt could potentially unleash upon my dog's face.

Then, one miraculous day, I walked the dog in the daylight.

And damned if I didn't come face to face with the smartest f_cking squirrel EVER. The little dark brown/black bugger has... wait for it... (are you waiting?




I hope so...




I like to build suspense...




While forcing you further down the page and closer to my advertisements...







I digress).




He's got a white tipped tail.

My eyesight + usual darkness = SKUNK.


I've never seen anything like it, and today I finally caught that shit on digital imagery! I was so happy! Then I was all worried someone would come raging and screaming out of the school to tell me to delete my harmless photos, lest a child's face be caught in the image. (I made that mistake one day at work when I was at a daycare site. Holy shit. Privacy laws are intense, yo).


Again, I digress.


So I got thinking... he's got to be the world's smartest squirrel for deceiving all who approach him into thinking he's a skunk.

Then I remembered that most dogs are pretty dumb when it comes to caution and skunks, and most dogs I know pummel themselves face-first directly into skunk ass. They wouldn't really avoid something that appeared to be a skunk, anyway.

So that left me feeling more like it wasn't the smartest squirrel ever, but that, perhaps, I was just a relatively dumb dog-walker/blogger.

Either way, that shit is epic.

It's almost like a Sasquatch sighting, but fuzzier and slightly less reliable.



I can feel your judge-y eyes. But I tell you, smartest.squirrel.EVER.


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