So Apparently Investing Isn't Just For Rich People? Here's An RRSP Calculator...

 Hello all,

I'm still kicking over here. How are you all? I've been spending most of my time on TikTok and Instagram, mostly to keep me from feeling the deep and unsettling boredom and doom that months and months and months of a pandemic has brought forward. Not even posting... just mindlessly scrolling because I want something to distract me from the anxiety.

Anyway, I wanted to come on and mention a website that helps with Canadian RRSP (Registered Retirement Savings Plan) stuff. (No, I am NOT getting paid for this and I don't benefit at all if you click through - you're a strong, independent Reader - I'm not gonna tell you what to do).

This has ALWAYS intimidated me. Anything investing. Anything taxes. I even get scared filling in the blanks in the automated online tax program we use every year. But I started talking to the Hubs and I realized that I know JACK SHIT about the right way to save up for later on, and I've always felt too intimated and stupid to look into it or get official financial advice.

Toss in a pandemic, and I'm not going ANYWHERE or INTO ANYONE'S OFFICE to ask questions.

This site lets you put in your income, how many soul/energy sucking tiny humans children you have, spouse income and CRB (not CERB!) info to tell you how much money it makes sense to deposit in your RRSP. You need your tax notice of assessment ("NOA") from last year that tells you how much "room" (aka how much you can make it rain, aka the actual MAXIMUM number of dollars the ol' government will LET you put in that RRSP) this year.

Screen shot of the RRSP Calculator (Source)

It's actually pretty cool because after using the little calculator on the site, I realized that at a certain point, it doesn't make sense to put money over a CERTAIN amount in there because the benefit to me drops off. The Hubs was faster/better at understanding and explaining it to me, but it was neat to see it laid out, and in chart form. You know me, easily distracted by colours and/or shiny things.

I always thought investment stuff was only for rich people, but an RRSP is something that anyone can start, and if you can figure your shit out, the government will actually cut you some tax breaks. 

Anyway, hope it helps. Life is pretty depressing right now. We still have to file our damn taxes. I hate taxes, but little tools that one make it suck a little less certainly don't hurt.

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Keeping Up With The Times?

I keep getting notifications that my blogger setup is all messed up. Wrong widths and gadgets that don't work. Or widgets? I don't even know. Some crazy shit about ads. Ads that have generated about $34 of revenue in the past 5 years. Lolololol. And they only pay out when it hits $100. Hopefully it'll be good to go by the time the baby is ready for college.

I started this blog years ago, when I was living in Ontario, for shits and giggles. I had really enjoyed reading a few other peoples' blogs and thought I would write the stupid things that came to my mind.

I actually researched and figured out how to personalize the template and add some "flair" so people might be able to find certain content when they search google. Now... now I have no idea what is what. I'm scared to restore to plain blogger because I may lose all my stuff. You know, all the stuff that no one reads anymore unless they happen upon the site by accident, or a disappointing Google search.

Anyway, if anyone still enjoys reading this and can't seem to actually view it on your computer or phone, drop a comment and I will actively try to re-educate myself to right it. Otherwise, I assume it is good enough because I am exhausted, lazy and short on time.

I do want to start writing again. I know just about every blogger who starts to collect dust will write that on their newest update after 6 months, but I do miss it. I'm trying to shift my thinking to not be so mean to myself, but that really doesn't make for fun reading. And this was never intended to be a blog about parenting, but it just so happens that it has become the only thing that I do all day, so obviously my content is going to be skewed.

Ah well.

Writing is good for me, so I should put more of an effort in. The nightly hour(s?) of scrolling Instagram aren't particularly helpful to my overall outlook so maybe you will see me back again soon.

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Wistful but lucky... Depression and two kiddos...

I really want to get back to writing. I miss having a creative outlet.

Just wanted to get some feelings down now, but Baby X has consistently woken from his nap whenever I have opened up Blogger.

Here goes nothing.

With Baby X over a year now, it's kind of crazy. I know I have love in my heart for more kids, but realistically I don't think I could handle more. My depression and anxiety just can't seem to be managed well. Exercise helps with the "big feelings" as I call them around here, but I've been sidelined with the worst back injury of my life since mid June and it's crushing my spirit (and my disc, too).

I was driving back from errands today, Kiddo D at a camp and Baby X briefly calm in his seat. It was a respite from his shrieking and my negotiating in the stores and the parking garage. My sunglasses were cloudy and smudged with tiny fingerprints. Baby X loves to pull off my shades and then forcefully "put them back on for Mommy" which entails jamming the arms into my mouth/nose/eyes and holding them there. It's cute. It's silly. It makes every pair bend and smudged.

I smiled. And I haven't been doing that much these days.

He doesn't sleep well. It's been getting better, but I'm still exhausted most mornings... hell, most days, all day. My coffee intake has skyrocketed in the most literal sense. I go through coffee beans like a newborn and diapers. Or a toddler with toilet paper. Or a kindergartner with liquid soap or toothpaste.

I thought that at this stage in the game I would have had a better handle on two kids. That I'd be less bitchy and have found more of a rhythm, as the saying goes. Mind you, miracles don't happen, so I'll ALWAYS be part bitch, but... ya know, less grumpy and quick to go off on Kiddo D.

Not sure if I have mentioned here before, but antidepressants seem to make me incredibly sick. I have multiple chronic conditions, including one that holds medication sensitivity as a symptom. I've done enough therapy to teach classes and write hardcover books. I mean, the classes would suck and the books wouldn't sell, but I COULD probably do it. There is essentially a holding pattern of sticking through it all, but no real improvement in sight. Not here, not in the horizon, not in the far-distant future. And that's sad. I used to think apathy was so lame... giving up. But there are certain realizations I have made now that just ARE. I'm certain my mood and anxiety will ebb and flow. There will be better days and weeks and months, and the not-so-great ones. I wish there were a magic pill that would help it... reduce it... perk me up. But I have tried almost all of them. NO JOKE. My file is a thick one, spanning decades and provinces. I am a health insurance company's worst nightmare.

But the physical side effects are intolerable. Not even just the first few weeks. It seems to get worse the longer I am on the medication, and then coming off of it it just HORRIFIC. Brain zaps and nausea and wishing death would make it stop because it's so physically uncomfortable and debilitating.

I tried a bunch of meds when Kiddo D was a baby and toddler. I was always feeling sick. It was no way to live.

Now, I have two kids to take care of, so feeling physically ill every day, even if my mood is slightly elevated, is not worth that trade off. Exercise is my best tool, but it's a tough balance between overdoing it and feeling more exhausted, and moving enough to put a dent in the stress hormones and anxiety.

I hope my kids don't look back and think I was a fool for not medicating. That my prissiness and short temper aren't a life sentence for both of them for therapy. I keep trying to be more patient and less RAGE-FACE with Kiddo D. I don't know that I am succeeding.

I always have brain fog, I can't focus, I'm SO SO SO sensitive to noise. It makes the agitation go to unbearable levels. I want to give Kiddo D my attention, but Baby X is NEEEEEEDY and curious and gets into EVERYTHING. I can't look away. So I hope, in my heart, that as he gets less motivated to kill himself at every given opportunity, that some semblance of giving both kids equal attention will come to be.

He's awake now. I should go.

But I do want to say... I am grateful. I am grateful I have these two wonderful, healthy, intense children. I am grateful I get to spend my time with them. I wish I could be a better version of myself. It's so sad to be in therapy and uncover all the layers and layers of shit you were subjected to as a child. For the therapist to say that you're doing incredibly well considering what you're dealing with. But to still fall short in so many ways.

I love my family with all of my cracked, duct-taped, dusty heart. I enjoy the moments when I can make them laugh. So so so deeply. I want to enjoy these days as much as I can. I want to be there for them emotionally - support them POSITIVELY, ask about their day, about their feelings, be able to focus and HEAR what they are saying, and often what they aren't saying, too. Sincerely. I don't want them to act in a false way to make me happy. I need to embrace the fact that they are their own little people. It's so hard. And we model what we know from when we were little. I have so much unlearning and so much learning to do...

I hope I figure it out for their sake... and soon.

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