No word of a lie, Michael reminded me of a healthier time, back in early 2009, when I took a vacation to Jamaica.
A bunch of teenagers tried this and failed before me.
I got my black-sock-fitted ass up on that high trapeze post there, and did this on my first attempt. Well, I mean, the socks were on my feet, not my ass, and all I had was black csocks... Anyway, BEHOLD:
Admittedly, I was too sore to do it again afterwards (my next two attempts were failures), but by gawd, I did do it!!!
I have decided that the following must occur in order to have a fun wedding.
Anything less will result in severe disappointment:
A flash mob must break out in the surrounding park, or at the reception.
I must be able to drink as much as I want, but still only remain 'buzzed' and coherent, so as to remember the night.
There should, nay, MUST, be people on flying trapeze. I don't care where, just within eyesight.
I expect Michael Jackson to be there. Motherf*cking moon walking. I don't care how it happens, it just needs to happen.
Like this, with more Michael Jackson, less headband, and more safety for the surrounding children.
Elvis should arrive in time to sing my parents' song.
I really hope the speeches are good/heartwarming/loving/filled with minimal content that is extremely embarrassing.
My friend must break out an x-rated rendition of "I Like Big Butts", complete with dance moves.
My dress should have a built in hoist in order to facilitate toilet usage.
Add some ribbon and lace and that should do the trick...
All of my body hair must miraculously fall off the day before the wedding, except for my eyebrows and the hair on my head.
And, finally, I hope to find the right balance between a romantic updo hairstyle and that of the Bride of Frankenstein... as well as subtle-but-flattering make-up vs. waxen whore vs. Jim Carrey's "The Mask".
Why So Serious, Eva Longoria?
Or:
You know, a nice, soft, natural look...
See? I'm easy to please. No weding diva here. Nope. Not at all.
Okay, not really... but that IS me and I actually did that in Jamaica a few years ago, and it was the most fun I had had (had had?) in years.
Also? I look terribly sexy in shorts and black sport socks.
It's okay to feel a little jealous inside. (Go ahead, watch it again, you know you want to)
Now... I am not, by any means, planning to turn this into a wedding blog, but let me tell you there is some seriously effed up shizz in the wedding world. I will be touching on some of what I have already experienced in my quest to find an affordable dress, and all that jazz.
When searching for a veil online, I came across this photo of "flower girls"
The left flower "girl" looks like she could be a dude... and the one on the right, well... I just don't know.
The "girl" on the right should maybe not be wearing the cleavage-displaying, pedophiliac delight as she appears to be. Tell me I am not the only person troubled by that photo? And lefty seriously looks like s/he could be a dude with waxed arms. Just sayin'.
I searched Kijiji for wedding dresses. (Kijiji is the cheap bastard's eBay - it's free to list and so people will list just about anything).
Found this gem, posted for you ladies out there in need of a throwback to 1982:
You might have had better luck selling this dress about 30 years ago (you know, despite it's seasonal versatility and pet-free home and everything).
I know, awesome right? You're welcome. All for the low price of $75. I think the sales pitch should have been "awesome costume for 80s-themed Halloween party!!".
One additional note. I went into Heirlooms Bridal Shoppe in Dundas, Ontario, just to see what they had in store. I asked the sales associate what, if anything, they had in my price range.
She literally looked at me like I had just shat in the front doorway. And she turned her nose up, as if it smelled like I had just shat in the doorway. She then had the nerve to SCOFF at me, and say:
"Well, we have some very PLAIN dresses here. They are about (twice your budget)" as she lazily sifted through a few "destination" dresses at the front of the store.
Wow.
Haughty, snotty bitch.
The wedding industry is like the rich girl/cool kid club, and I am SO NOT ONE OF THOSE.
I promptly told her I would look elsewhere. GAH.
p.s. I did find a dress somewhere else, within my budget.
p.p.s. Trying to find a wedding dress when suffering extreme fatigue is not fun, time consuming, and exhausting. Just letting you know.
___
