Monday, August 29, 2011

Ridiculous Wedding Wish List

I have decided that the following must occur in order to have a fun wedding.

Anything less will result in severe disappointment:

  • A flash mob must break out in the surrounding park, or at the reception.
  • I must be able to drink as much as I want, but still only remain 'buzzed' and coherent, so as to remember the night.
  • There should, nay, MUST, be people on flying trapeze. I don't care where, just within eyesight.
  • I expect Michael Jackson to be there. Motherf*cking moon walking. I don't care how it happens, it just needs to happen.
Like this, with more Michael Jackson, less headband, and more safety for the surrounding children.

  • Elvis should arrive in time to sing my parents' song.
  • I really hope the speeches are good/heartwarming/loving/filled with minimal content that is extremely embarrassing.
  • My friend must break out an x-rated rendition of "I Like Big Butts", complete with dance moves.
  • My dress should have a built in hoist in order to facilitate toilet usage.
Add some ribbon and lace and that should do the trick...

  • All of my body hair must miraculously fall off the day before the wedding, except for my eyebrows and the hair on my head.
  • And, finally, I hope to find the right balance between a romantic updo hairstyle and that of the Bride of Frankenstein... as well as subtle-but-flattering make-up vs. waxen whore vs. Jim Carrey's "The Mask".
Why So Serious, Eva Longoria?


You know, a nice, soft, natural look...

 See? I'm easy to please. No weding diva here. Nope. Not at all.


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  1. Whoa! Creepy as shit middle face up there....

  2. You forgot the vibrating panties under the wedding dress. I SO am going to do that! YES I AM!

  3. I think the Tammy Fay Baker look is in now, at least in the southern US. I thought the hoist stuff was for the wedding night frivolities.

  4. so basically, you want Michael Jackson to reanimate? Couldn't you just get a projector screen of "Thriller"?

  5. @Brandy Rose - You don't think she's pretty?

    @Daffy - Naw, I'd be too distracted. lol.

    @George - Hmmm, perhaps I am on to something... Also? wedding night = SLEEP.

    @Storm. Kat Storm. - If you mean "come back from the dead just to moonwalk at your wedding" by reanimate, then, YES!!. Projector screen is too expensive. Just send a moving corpse and all will be well.

    *note to self - buy scented candles...

  6. if by 'hoist' you mean 'maid of honor designated to hold up 17+ layers of tulle plus a petticoat while i pee' then i had a hoist too.

  7. I now believe that my wedding party should dance to "I like big butts". :o)

  8. I completely agree with #2. For some reason, in Indiana they believe you should pay for all booze you would like to consume at a wedding. Back in Ohio, however, my friends know what's up. Free booze for everyone!

  9. That lady in the is a lady isn't i...made me cry. This is really irresponsible blogging, but milk spurt outta the nose funny...


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