Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Dear Puppy: Goddammit!!

Dear Puppy*,

While your eyes are adorable, and your looks are stunningly beautiful, you are PISSING ME OFF!

That plastic I found in the hallway yesterday that you had chewed, and I couldn't figure out what it was? The only trays I own to my tooth whitening kit.

Thanks for that, goddammit.

Her stunning good looks distract me from the next damaged item...

Puppy, you know our little ghetto garden with the few sparse strawberries? Yeah, you are NOT supposed to raid it for new fruit at all times, even if the plastic chicken wire is no longer standing. That strawberry I took from you, rinsed, and figured it was still safe to eat? Well, that was just bad judgement on my part, goddammit.

While I appreciate you keeping  me company as I FINALLY begin to sort through my mounds of hoarder like papers/receipts/tax documents/insurance documents/gluten-free recipes, your compulsion to chew your bone on the assorted file folders on the floor (what?!? I am still in the organizational stage... or something...) has created wet, destroyed file folders and papers, which... um, kind of negate the whole saving and filing bizznazz, goddammit.

The fact that no matter the temperature you must, MUST, lay your head on my leg so I sweat even more is adorable, but really hot, and apparently not good for my whole alpha-dog-smoke-and-mirror facade the trainer has me attempting, goddammit.

That white-painted wooden baseboard along the carpet... you know that stuff? Where you exercise your extreme aversion to 90-degree corners, obliterating them in a near-silent chew-fest as I sit here and blog and not notice you are ingesting paint chips and lumber? It's supposed to remain in tact, goddammit! And stop licking that bitter apple spray!! You are supposed to despise it, goddammit!

"I iz carefree dawggie. Your paperz are not mah concern." *runs away into long grass*

Finally... you have allowed me to see why FeyoncĂ©™ and I have lasted as long as we have.

I can be super problematic, much like yourself, but I must be as cute to him as you are to me, which makes it all okay. Goddammit.

Now come over here and lay on mommy's leg while you try to shower me with grass and paint-infused kisses.

Good girl.

*Disclaimer: Note, this post was written in "sarcasm" font. I am very clearly aware that all of this is within my power to change, animal rights peeps. 

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  1. adorable, but i do have one query.

    why are her kisses 'paint-infused'? that sounds like she's been lapping up paint.

  2. Thank God all us bitches are so bloody cute!

  3. I have a new puppy...I remember liking dogs most of my life...but when this dog is not being cute, he's pissing me off!

  4. @steph gas - I'm a pretty rotten person, but I don't let her lap up paint!! It's in reference to the painted baseboard she has been trying to chew all over our upstairs.

    @Katsidhe - I KNOW, right?!? You and me especially.

    @Brandy Rose - Yeah... I tend to lose patience with puppy. And she just gives me her mischevious smile.

  5. ah. you should get unpainted baseboard. so her kisses will just be splintery. unless it's lead-free paint. like, you know. non-toxic. if kids can eat it, dogs can too. at least it will make picking-up-the-dog-poop time more colorful.

    also, heard about your pole fit class. sorry i missed the free show :P

  6. @steph gas - Indeed, non-toxic, splintery would be the BETTER choice. I have no idea what kind of paint is on there...

    I should start eating it, just to be fair.

    And yeah... class tonight... glad I am not a redhead. Had to get tired fast doing the "leg splays" for obvious reasons.

    Also? DAMMIT, I hate buying workout shorts!

  7. awww, pets are like kids. they do something so irritating & then look at you w/ that expression that says 'you can't physically stay mad at me for more than a heartbeat, can you?'

    also - disclaimer - OMH! i LOL'd and yet, it's sad...

  8. My parents got a new Yorkie a few months back. That POS chews EVERYTHING. Including the wiring to the thermostat that my dad has now had to replace about a dozen times since getting the dog. Then she falls asleep in their laps and all is forgiven.

  9. Yep, exactly how I felt with my puppy. She grew out of that stage though. Where she used to be all bite-bite-bite, now it's lick-lick-lick. I don't know which is worse but this new stage is a lot more tolerable :)

  10. Wow, your puppy takes "Dog ate my homework" to a whole new level. I've only ever had countryside, roam-free dogs that were half wolves and only came into the house to be pet, so I'm afraid I have no training advice whatsoever. She is absolutely gawjus, though :)))

  11. It's still better than having a cat.

  12. Your puppy is cuteness. With cuteness, comes great responsibility. But not on the dogs' part. Their job is being cute, duhhhh.

  13. @carmar76 - I can only IMAAAAGINE my resolve with children. lol.

    @J.Day - Time to move the thermostat HIGH UP ON THE WALL... lol. And of course, a sleeping little fluffball in your lap makes it Alllll better.

    @JinJin - She likes to do both, but I look forward to less chew-chew-chew days. Also? Firefox will NOT let me view your blog???!?

    @Chris - Why thanks, wish I could take credit for her beauty. And wolves? AWESOOOOME!

    @George - I loved my kitties, especially my blind ones. Did you read my post about my other pets?

    @Annah - She does her job well. I need improvement in mine, OBVIOUSLY. ;)

  14. My dog is almost 2 years old and she is still like that! :)

  15. @Paula - Gaaaaaaaaah! No! I thought terrible twos were relegated to children only!!!

  16. Oh the joys of being a puppy owner! you should train her to do exciting things-- like getting your beverages out of the fridge. That way, when she is getting on your nerves, you can just tell her "get me a beer!" and she will go do it. it keeps them occupied for about a minute. another way to occupy a dogs time is a bubble maker-- keeps them chasing bubbles for hours (or at least 15 minutes) ... long enough to get more work done. ps- your dog is adorable!


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