Embarrassing Realizations (Part 1 of ∞ )

In no logical order:


I went bra shopping the other day. I found out that I am neither a B, C or A cup. Go figure. There are no half sizes, so I am kind of fucked pooched on that one. Also - nipples are ugly, weird creatures. Ladies, don't even TRY to deny that one.

Or lack thereof, or knowledge of the correct size...

Trying to find a smart word to use and failing miserably makes you sound like a stupid douchebag; simply use simple sentences when you are fatigued and not-at-all articulate. (Yes, I just used 'douchebag' and 'articulate' in the same sentence - that takes talent, my friends). Though I may have misused the semi-colon, despite The Oatmeal's teachings... oh well, I'll use the hell out of the beloved ellipsis to make up for it.


Farting Passing gas with an mp3 player on and headphones in your head is still audible farting to the people around you. Seriously. You need to accept that and remember that. The same goes for being on the phone at the office and lifting a cheek. Sure, the person on the other end may not be aware, but your co-workers sure as hell are!

I realize that I panic when I get close to a drive-thru window and have, more than once, hit the wrong button to put the window down because I get all flustered when I have to place an order. Even for a coffee.
I'd like to blame this on my old Impala that my Dad helped re-configure (the driver's side window button fried out, so he finagled a way to switch the 4-pad window controls to allow me to control the windows on a diagonal, and backwards). But in truth, I just get all antsy and push buttons randomly. Awesome.



That having a coupon and inviting your mom and sister to shop at a store in your hometown is not enough reason for them to want to spend some time shopping with you if you live 28 minutes from their alternate store/destination. They will find a coupon elsewhere, and shop together without you. You will shop alone. And you won't find a bra that fits. And, see paragraph below.

(p.s. THANKS A BUNCH G.D. for the COUPON!!! MWUAH!! You are a doll!).

That trying to save money by trying on all of the cute tight fitting clearance dresses will end up costing you more than you bargained for when you realize the next day that your belly ring (purchased at a real, actual jewelry store, despite BF's stern, but short-lived, objections) busted off and is likely stuck on the inside of one of said dresses, somewhere in the store. Alternately, it may have been swept up in the change room and thrown in the trash. Way to save.

See? At least I learned about clearance stuff since my last post... no wait...

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I Am Expecting...

So... all the tell tale signs are there.

• Tiny stomach paunch
• Crazy food cravings
• Increased appetite
• Sluggishness and fatigue.

Yes people, I am expecting.... to gain a shit load of weight in the next month or two on my recently prescribed medications.

*GENERAL EXTREME LET DOWN OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS WITH CHILDREN COMMENCES...  THEN ENDS*

So, yes, following my specialist's appointment, I have been put on 4 new medications, 3 of which cause weight gain. AWESOME. I have already been waking up with swollen face, which is totally awesome and almost got a photo for the blog (but eye crusties and pure laziness down-voted that idea faster than a ... um... all I can think of are rude sexual remarks so I will forge on).

Medication weight gain + increased appetite + Christmas season & associated all things sugary + Cannot drink alcohol.

Merry fucking Christmas y'all.

However, on a pregnancy related note, I wanted to let you all know that you can, in fact, buy a pregnancy test at the dollar store for $1.25 plus HST (13% tax for my non-Canadian friends). And it works (or at least I hope so, because it said it was negative).

The specialist phoned me at home and requested I take a pregnancy test before I underwent some tests at the hospital. (He didn't seem to understand that sex is required in order to become sperminated, but I digress...).


$18 pregnancy test kits are for suckers!! (Unless accuracy is important)....


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Do I Sound Like A Tool? Do You?

So Simple Dude got me thinking (bravo Simple Dude, that is a rare occurrence, my friend!) and questioning my online speak, my blogging etiquette and my general social networking retardation in general.

Wordnet Web would like to let you know:

S: (adj) retarded (relatively slow in mental or emotional or physical development) "Stephanie was so out of touch with internet speak, her social networking skills became exceptionally retarded".

So, moving forward, what the hell?

I feel so out of touch with what is correct online anymore. You all know I've griped about “text-speak” and the like.

Wow, I just said "and the like"... I think I am older than my 30 years.

Tell me wonderful people of the Interwebs, what kind of language is acceptable these days?

• Is lol / LOL / lol'ed appropriate any longer? Sometimes there are funny blogs/comments/Facebook updates that do actually make me chortle (If you haven't yet, you have to read 27b/6) aloud, but as I commented on Simple Dude's post, if you still internally snicker/giggle or outwardly smile at something, how else do you relay that without sounding like a tool? I find "hehe" "haha" "just kidding" or "I found that particular comment somewhat amusing" just don't suffice. Plus, they take too long to type (yes, even hehe, it still technically contains one extra letter).

Yes, my laptop is free-standing and the lower half of my body isn't attached to the top half. Thanks for asking.

Apparently all other bloggers are large-nosed, fingerless, dread-wearing chicks who blog while in yoga chair pose.

• Even *I* know that nobody uses ROFLOLing anymore. I think. (Except one time recently when BF said one of my posts was funny and I was whiny about why he never laughed. His reply? What, do you expect me to roffloll... *snickers*. Yes, he sounded it out. On purpose. I hope think am pretty sure.)

• Is it appropriate to use emoticons? You know,  ole smiley :-) , winky ;-) , big smiley :-D , surprised guy :-O , nearly forgotten sticking-out tongue-at-you dude :-P, cheesy-assed heart <3 (that I TOTALLY use in google chat because it turns right-side up and turns RED people, it turns motherffing RED!).

• Is it appropriate to link back to your own blog with your web address, or reference a related/somewhat-related/not even remotely related post in your comments?  I do this often, as it seems we are a sharing community that way.  I will invite people to say hello, or use html to shorten that shit down.  I've even tried to work it so that if someone clicks on my link it will open in a new window (so as not to divert traffic from the blogger's site I am commenting on) but usually "new window" targets are not allowed in commenting.  I don't mind. Though I think if you leave your url at the bottom of the comment (if not referencing a particular post) that it speaks on its own to check out the site. You don't really need to finish with anything more than the web address itself.  What do you think? Cool?  Not cool?

•  These bullet points are actually really long paragraphs. Just sayin'.

• I know it's my own personal discussion board/venting outlet/creative tool, so I can do whatever I damn well please with it, but if you generally fall into a particular genre (for most of the bloggers who follow me, I would say observational humour), is it appropriate to post deep thoughts, emotional posts, serious topics?  My ”It Gets Better” post was scary and honest and true and I put it out there for all to see. And despite the number of page hits and views, despite the content, it only received 5 comments (2 were from family). On something I think everyone has an opinion on or can relate to at some level. So - is there no place for that here? Thoughts?

Curious to know your honest thoughts, though I'd like to think I will be defiant and post whatever the hell I want to.

• What other uncool stuff have people pulled on their blogs, or in your comments? What other faux pas should be avoided? I want make sure I have a semblance of what is truly appropriate with all you more experienced folks out there, and other non-bloggers who know the social media circuit and these interwebs here.

• Is it okay to have a Twitter account and only update it occasionally when you get an email that someone is following you?  I see other people's regular funny comments, and figure I am doing it wrong.  I kinda sorta totally hate Twitter.

• Is lol cool on Facebook?  Is it annoying as hell to post new blog links as my status?  I figure it is the only way some people might remember to check it out (who aren't regular blog followers or readers).  I worry it comes off spammy, but kind of don't give a shit, either.  I made a Facebook page, but only 9 people seem interested.  Hint, hint.  Just kidding. 

• Oh yeah, I will continue to express myself, of course, and stick it to "The Man" while blogging (hahahaha) <---- see that right there should be an lol, shouldn't it?  No?  I'm so confused.

Who the fuck says cheerio? Seriously.

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