Monday, December 6, 2010

Embarrassing Realizations (Part 1 of ∞ )

In no logical order:

I went bra shopping the other day. I found out that I am neither a B, C or A cup. Go figure. There are no half sizes, so I am kind of fucked pooched on that one. Also - nipples are ugly, weird creatures. Ladies, don't even TRY to deny that one.

Or lack thereof, or knowledge of the correct size...

Trying to find a smart word to use and failing miserably makes you sound like a stupid douchebag; simply use simple sentences when you are fatigued and not-at-all articulate. (Yes, I just used 'douchebag' and 'articulate' in the same sentence - that takes talent, my friends). Though I may have misused the semi-colon, despite The Oatmeal's teachings... oh well, I'll use the hell out of the beloved ellipsis to make up for it.

Farting Passing gas with an mp3 player on and headphones in your head is still audible farting to the people around you. Seriously. You need to accept that and remember that. The same goes for being on the phone at the office and lifting a cheek. Sure, the person on the other end may not be aware, but your co-workers sure as hell are!

I realize that I panic when I get close to a drive-thru window and have, more than once, hit the wrong button to put the window down because I get all flustered when I have to place an order. Even for a coffee.
I'd like to blame this on my old Impala that my Dad helped re-configure (the driver's side window button fried out, so he finagled a way to switch the 4-pad window controls to allow me to control the windows on a diagonal, and backwards). But in truth, I just get all antsy and push buttons randomly. Awesome.

That having a coupon and inviting your mom and sister to shop at a store in your hometown is not enough reason for them to want to spend some time shopping with you if you live 28 minutes from their alternate store/destination. They will find a coupon elsewhere, and shop together without you. You will shop alone. And you won't find a bra that fits. And, see paragraph below.

(p.s. THANKS A BUNCH G.D. for the COUPON!!! MWUAH!! You are a doll!).

That trying to save money by trying on all of the cute tight fitting clearance dresses will end up costing you more than you bargained for when you realize the next day that your belly ring (purchased at a real, actual jewelry store, despite BF's stern, but short-lived, objections) busted off and is likely stuck on the inside of one of said dresses, somewhere in the store. Alternately, it may have been swept up in the change room and thrown in the trash. Way to save.

See? At least I learned about clearance stuff since my last post... no wait...

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  1. I'm apparently a size 42A.

    They don't even *think* about making those.

  2. I have to disagree, nipples are cool.

  3. Hahaha, too funny. Especially the farting one. I don't really have trouble finding bras because my size is pretty normal. Shoes are the same way. I'm average. Although a lot of the times they are out of stock BECAUSE of it being the norm.

  4. You're such a weirdo. OH! You won a prize at Glitter Frog!

  5. Oh and add people on planes ripping silent ones at end of flights... we can still smell them people!

  6. Im thinking of that senifeld episode with the manzeere. why? I dont know. =)~

  7. Size does matter...ever since losing the weight, my bra size has gone down a bit (as opposed to my huge thighs and huge behind; they ain't goin' nowheres). --.--"

    Why? WHY?!

    -Barb the French Bean

  8. *Sarah Elizabeth - where on earth do you buy your bras? I guess I should stop complaining. You must pay an arm and a leg!

    *George Wells - only if it's cold out!

    *Jumble Mash - true enough. The downside to being typical = already sold out of stuff in your size. I guess there are drawbacks to just about everything but D-cups. Just kidding, that would equal back pain.

    *vickilikesfrogs - did you read the post? That seemed like a generic comment, Vicki, and I am only validated if you read the post. :-P Thanks for the froggy, he will be on display soon.

    *Clare and Gary - aaaahhh yes, when everyone stands up even though it just makes for more claustraphobia because there is nowhere to go? The worst? If they do it while YOU are sitting and they are standing!. Welcome to the blog and thanks for commenting!

    *The Phoenix Rising - would you be ashamed if I said I don't know that episode? I need details!

    *Barb the French Bean - i KNOW! Not fair! Saddlebags are just fiiiine sticking around, but the boobs take the next train to Tallahasee as soon as there is weight loss. *grumbles*

  9. I don't even want to get into bras... Someone (a man probably) decided one day that if you are anything bigger than a D then you don't really need a cute bra... Hello just because my boobs are bigger than most kids' heads doesn't mean I don't want a cute lacey polka dotted bra! (sorry a bit of a rant there) I also hate it when someone squeezes one out right as they are leaving an aisle at the super market... Hello just because you moved on doesn't mean your fart didn't stay and linger.. gross..

    Ok i'm done...

    check out my blog @

  10. you are too funny girl and farting thing absolutely true but yet guys think it a fact

  11. *laugh* good observations. kinda *edit* to be made to shop alone, tho. 28 minutes? i drive that to work every day. yeesh.

  12. I have done a ton a bra research somewhat recently. If you are in between cups, you can go either way since the size is subject to fluctuate a bit with lady things. It's all about band size really, as long as that is right, cups should be easy to figure out, but depends on the brand and blah blah. Victoria's Secret's cups tend to run a little bit small if that helps.

    @Amber: Gurrl, I know what you're sayin'. I special order Victoria's Secret because they don't carry my freak of nature size in store. I suggest the BioFit, it is the most amazingly comfy and cute bra that I have ever had. (it's new, I'm excited, I'm sorry.)

    And Stephanie, I bet that you knew you looked good in those dresses when you were trying them on, isn't that worth anything?

  13. *AmberLaShell - first off, I apologize on behalf of all of the failed-sneaky-aisle-farters. Second, I kind of wish that my boobs were as big as kids' heads, but I can imagine your frustration with shopping. Maybe Amy can help you on that one?

    *becca - why thank ye. :-) I know, you wouldn't believe the behaviour BF is subjected to at times. He knows the truth.

    *carmar76 - yeah. I'll admit I cried. But then again, I am a wuss, and I also should expect that kind of stuff by now. Oh well.

    *Amy - I was trying lots of different brands and couldn't get a decent band, either. I just know 34 will never happen, and 36 - 38 sneaks up my boobs eventually. This stupid weight fluctuation stuff sucks arse.

    I didn't look all that hot in the dresses, to be honest. I bought one for a work function, but realize now it looks like a star trek uniform. Long story. Also... thanks for sharing, hopefully Amber can find a cute bra now, too!

  14. You underestimate my love for Star Trek.

  15. OF COURSE i read the post, you silly wench. It's just that I was farting silently when I read it and you embarrassed me! ;)

  16. Eck. Nipples are weird!

    Fun post, by the way. The farting portion made me laugh out loud. No fart-induced laughs, though - thankfully ; )

  17. *Amy - i would never underestimate anything about you. However, having said that, I don't know that my co-workers or clients share that same love. So pencil skirt it is. I need help with the shirt though. Maybe I will make a narcissisisisssitic post and get your feedback.

    *vickilikesfrogs - oh, I <3 you, that made me lol.

    *A Chicago Blogger - glad that you were able to 'maintain control' while lol-ing. ;-) Welcome to the blog and thanks for commenting! As you see, I have no shame. Or, well, some shame, then I talk it out. On my blog. And stuff.

  18. It would be a lot easier to understand the bra discussions if you posted pictures of your boobs. ;)

  19. *V-Tom - nice try, but hells no!. I'm sure the male readers applaud you for your attempt, though.


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